List of more limericks and funny tricks -- updated

Lately, I've just let my beard grow. Why? Do you really wanna know? First, I broke my new toilet brush. Now, the damn thing won’t even flush. Sh-t like that depresses me so. I tried to put my life up for sale. As it turned out, to no avail. There was little to no interest, not on Etsy, nor on Pinterest. Might it be my life was just too stale? During a wild game of strip poker she teased a guy trying to poke her, “The rules of the game are such, you can look, but you can't touch! ~ unless you slip me that there joker.” Relaxing in a super hot bath, I felt atoms tickling my ass. There must've been zillions ~ or ~ maybe just trillions ~ not sure, cuz I'm so bad at math. An atom's proton asked the neutron, "Hey, Bud. Do'ya know what's going on?" "Yeah, sure. We're about to be split. So, that'll be the end of it. Watch out for the flash. Keep your shades on." I find it so effervescent that you let me explore your fertile crescent. I know ~ my requests are incessant ~ I'm such a total adolescent. But thanks for being so acquiescent. This morning, my yard was hopping with squirrels and rabbits busily shopping for pine needles, berries, and cones, perfumes, oils, and sweet colognes, to entice partners for this evening's bebopping. If there was ever a time for now, it looks to me you missed it somehow. Though, I’m sure that I did mention it's best if you pay attention. Or is that now what you'll disavow. I asked her if she wanted to go. She said, "To where?" I said, “I don't know.” She said, “Wow, that’s really wild! Ever since I was a child ~ that's where I longed to go ~ how'd you know?” Because of the very hot weather, lovers should shun sleeping together. The rubbing of very dry feet on a combustible bed sheet might cause a fiery coming together. I sure miss the old halcyon days. They were so great in so many ways ~ not like these dog days of summer ~ that make people dumber and dumber. Please ~ pass the catsup ~ and mayonnaise. A float on the gay Seine was the scene for the crowning of our beauty queen. And a straight guy in drag, so proudly waved our flag for HeSheThey ~ and all in between. What I saw in your vicinity was delicious femininity. And the wiles that entered my head, I very quickly put to bed for fear of the Holy Trinity. Holy bejeezus! Time ran out for getting things right with Jesus! And now I'm dead, with only the prospect of hell ahead, when in fact, I’d wanted to go somewhere where it sometimes also freezes. Jill and I don't speak in many words. We tend to communicate like birds. In zany tweets and wacky twitter, she teases me, whereas I kid her, in fab fields of sillies and absurds. Let our bygones be bygones, my dear. And let's quaff the last of this beer. And while the old moon gapes, let's traipse like some wild apes, haply into a phosphorous New Year. "No, no, no, no, no!" said the bawd to the beau. "You may be better looking, but that don't mean I'm cooking, or doing dishes ten days in a row.