List of limericks and other funny tricks II

There was an old biddy named Nancy, who despised all things that were fancy. She wanted everything to be plain, and wished to God her name had been Jane, because Nancy was just too schmancy. I once knew a charmer named Nancy, who was a pro at necromancy. She'd conjure up the ghost, you'd wanna see the most, and make 'em do a song and dancy. Be careful when you go to Crete. The cops there aren't any too sweet. Hell, they'll even give you a ticket, if you buy an ice cream and lick it on the wrong side of the street. Till I was still relatively young, she'd smooch the air right out of my lung. Now that I'm relatively old, and half my rotten teeth are gold, she won't even kiss me with her tongue. I'd have loved to make to love to Louise. But come near her ~ and I'd start to sneeze. So, though she was really pretty, I was afraid to get flirty. The closer I got, the more I'd wheeze. Is that Taylor Swift? I thought it was a truck with bad gear shift. Naw, I'm just joking. It's just a little fun I'm poking at a girl by whom I got stiffed. I'm a real pragmatist through and through. So when she asked, "How'd you like to screw?" ~ I said, "Show me the plan. What do you expect from a man? And what can a man expect from you?” I once had a neighbor named Rosco, who did all his shopping at Cosco. It's where he met his first wife, who really cheapened his life, running off with his best friend, Bosco. The old tree on which I carved your name? ~ during last week's windstorm, down it came. That staunch, indomitable oak, that saw you prod and watched me poke, is firewood now, ready for the flame. Couldn't see her forest for her trees. Couldn't see her knickers for her knees. Couldn't see the lightning of her thunder, No! Nothing of her top nor nothing from down under ~ though I pleaded, "Show it to me ~ please!" Wonder how Meg's doing in heaven. Still going to 7-11 for her daily bag of chips, and wax balm for her dry lips, and stuff for her bourbons and seven? When a collie sheds, there's much to do ~ hair on the rug, and all over you. It sure can overwhelm a little ~ that sea of hair, with you in the middle. And the dog? He don't give a fiddle! We're two of the world's hottest lovers. We heat things up under the covers. We play games ~ from zoomy to reeps, and don't care if anyone peeps ~ though he who does ~ never recovers. Here's a question, just between you and me ~ did anyone ever see Jesus pee? I know of no book where it's recorded, but was anyone ever afforded a peek, say, by the Sea of Galilee? So yes, I would much rather than not take a good, hard look at what you've got. And if you've got too little, I might be noncommittal. But surely not if you've got a lot. Seventy-five ~ and life's as boring ~ as watching this old dog snoring. Wait ~ I see teens strutting outside. Will one get taking for a ride? Maybe that's something worth exploring. I sure miss the old halcyon days. They were so great in so many ways ~ not like these dog days of summer ~ that make people dumber and dumber. Please. Pass the catsup ~ and mayonnaise. Because of the very hot weather, lovers should skip sleeping together. The rubbing of very dry feet on a combustible bed sheet might cause a fiery coming together. I find it so effervescent that you let me explore your fertile crescent. I know ~ my requests are incessant ~ I'm such a total adolescent. But thanks for being so acquiescent. This morning, my yard was hopping with squirrels and rabbits busily shopping for pine needles, berries, and cones, perfumes, oils, and sweet colognes, to entice partners for this evening's bebopping. The fox said to the wolf in a huff. "We're making this problem way too tough. You take that goat, Sandie, and I'll take that lamb, Randy. And we'll split Porks, if that ain't enough." There was some tumultuous to do in the pouch of the glum kangaroo. The twins were jumping and springing, doing summersaults and singing, making mommy kangaroo ~ so blue. Tiny birds scooting across the street, hopping on their three-toed, little feet. A car misses them by inches ~ they'd be dead if they were finches! Birdies! Get off of the street! Tout sweet! I asked her if she wanted to go. She said, "To where?" I said, “I don't know.” She said, “Wow, that’s really wild! Ever since I was a child that's where I longed to go ~ how'd you know?” Oxygen, hydrogen ~ one on two ~ that's what these two gases tend to do. And just to be funny, ha, ha, ha ~ they form a perfect ménage à trois, to make water for me and for you. What I saw in your vicinity was seductive femininity. And the wiles that entered my head, I very quickly put to bed for fear of the Holy Trinity. Holy bejeezus! Time ran out for getting things straight with Jesus! And now I'm dead, with only the prospect of hell ahead, when in fact, I’d wanted to go somewhere where it sometimes also freezes. Sometimes, bad verse creeps into my brain, and echoes there like a sick refrain. And when I beg it to please go, it sometimes flatly say, "Hell no," and willfully decide to remain. He lifts his leg. Not a drop of pee! For Bix, it's marking try #twenty-three. By now, his bladder is plum dry, but that won't stop this little guy. Mass marking is in his pedigree. "No, no, no, no, no!" said the bawd to the beau. "You may be better looking, but that don't mean I'm cooking, or doing dishes ten days in a row.