List of limericks and other funny tricks I

I always go where the real fun's at. These days, that usually Maggie's flat, where a dinky girl with big breasts entertains the evening's guests with her pussycat in a cocked hat. A young woman from Glascow named Myrtle was as strong as the shell of a turtle. Once, when an intruder snuck in, she bare knuckled his glassy chin, then floored him with her iron girdle. I asked this new guy, "Know where Jeez is?" He says, "Don't even know who Jeez is." "He's the only son of our boss, always sports this big cross. So, clearly, one of the big cheeses." There was a lass from the Isle of Man deemed to have Man’s most sensuous can by the blokes who daily would stare at her near perfect derriere and fantasize finding pleasure there. I went to a clairvoyant in Rheims who could interpret all kinds of dreams. I said, "I dreamed of a monkey pinning a tail on a donkey." "Soooo! You're obsessed with asses, it seems." Furthest I ever got with Anne ~ was a tittle past the church of St. Stan. And then she bolted from my car, yelling, "This time you've gone way too far! See if you drive me to church again ~ Dan! I once saw a stripper in Raleigh whose bulge made girls go, "Oh, my golly!" And he'd jigger that snaky thing into something as riveting as the art of Salvadore Dali. I once knew an old bookworm from Maine. One day, the worm snuck into his brain, and there, ate many a cell, and much gray matter as well, till he went wacky ~ which is insane! Last week, I near tossed my religion. I had lost faith, smidgen by smidgen. Then, walking down Broad Way to Vine, I asked God to show me a sign, and I got shat on by a pigeon. Of the festival of "Peace and Love," I had very quickly had enough, after Jacques de Bere barfed on my hair, and Two Ton Tess ripped her panties off. The French waitress scowled, "Ferme la bouche!" The bum said, "I just asked for couscous!" She said, "It's in my purview, if I don't want to serve you, till you first go home and take a douche." In the medieval city of York, I saw a baby deliver a stork, and the young son of a wizard chomp off the head of a lizard, and feed it to the stork ~ with a spork. Sinbad, that wealth-squandering sailor, sorely needed an expert tailor. His pants had ripped at the crotch, which bothered him very much, cuz his crew could see his wassailer. Cruising in her Hyundai Sonata, listening to a Bach cantata, she killed the overhead light and mused, “For dinner tonight, I'd love your twelve-inch enchilada.” The lady was being downright crass. She straight up told me to kiss her ass ~ then, tried to have me arrested, for doing what she requested ~ planting a smouch on her cracked crevasse. That night, when Adam watched Eve undress, she saw what words could not yet express. Underneath him, something went "boing." Then, they heard a nightingale’s "soing." And then Abel was conceived, we guess. After making red-hot love to Beth, I was nigh completely out of breath. What she did to my tool was too cool to be cruel, and mighta caused a weaker man's death. My doggy sure does love his lassie. Together, they can act so classy. When he smacks his lips, she’ll wiggle her hips, and then he'll turn to sniff her assy. She had a plane tattooed on her breast. She joshed, "That's for flying East to West." "And what if I fly down under?" "That'd be a grievous blunder. I'd have to put you under arrest." I once knew a young man from Brazil who could bend any gal to his will. Heck, he'd even cut them in half, and watch the crowd nervously laugh, bracing for the blood about to spill. Everyone agrees that by and large, I am the favorite beau of Marge. She has many other lovers who get treats under her covers, But only I ~ get 'em free of charge. "Okay, tell me, who's gonna be next?" said the writer of the too-long text. "No, please, not me," said the lean noun. "Cut that fat verb there, two lines down." And they all watched, with their faces vexed. I never once said that you were fat. I'd never be as nasty as that. I think you’re a real cutey. I just adore your booty. But look ~ you're tummy ain't all that flat! When they questioned me that fateful day, I said, “Please! I got nothing to say!” "But you're our only eyewitness!" “Oh yeah? But I was scared sh-tless, so I was looking the other way!” When Jill and I vowed to go all the way, we were both very excited, I'd say. Till we got to the road less taken, where we were both a little shaken. Should we do Paris? Or just do Marseilles? Ever wonder what it was like ~ for Hans to shove his finger up that dike, and prevent her roily spillage from inundating his village, and drowning each gent, biddy ~ and tyke? I went to my mother to ask it, "Am I going to hell in a handbasket?" She answered, "No, no, no, dear Chip, you're going there in a rocket ship ~ for not doing chores when I task it. Went to Lourdes to see if it could heal my totally broken sex appeal. Some old nuns glared at me askance, but when a girl ask me to dance, I knew for sure. This place was for real! There was a small boy from Nantucket who plunged into a Honey Bucket. A man, happening to walk by, ran to help out the little guy, saying, "That sure was some bad luck, kid." During a wild game of strip poker she teased a guy trying to poke her, “The rules of the game are such, you can look, but you can't touch! ~ unless you slip me that there joker.”