List of limericks and other funny tricks

A young woman from Glascow named Myrtle was as strong as the shell of a turtle. Once, when an intruder snuck in, she bare knuckled his glassy chin, then floored him with her iron girdle. I asked this new guy, "Know where Jeez is?" He says, "Don't even know who Jeez is." "He's the only son of our boss, always sports this big cross. So, clearly, one of the big cheeses." There was a lass from the Isle of Man deemed to have Man’s most sensuous can by the blokes who daily would stare at her near perfect derriere and fantasize finding pleasure there. The lady was being downright crass. She straight up told me to kiss her ass ~ then, tried to have me arrested, for doing what she requested ~ planting a smouch on her plump crevasse. Furthest I ever got with Anne ~ was a tittle past the church of St. Stan. And then she bolted from my car, yelling, "This time you've gone way too far! See if you drive me to church again, Dan! I once saw a stripper in Raleigh whose bulge made girls go, "Oh, my golly!" And he'd jigger that snaky thing into something as riveting as the art of Salvadore Dali. The first time I fell deeply in love, t’was a love I made a real hash of. There were tons of unforced mistakes, that still cause her to do double takes, and curse me to the heavens above. Last week, I near tossed my religion, having lost faith smidgen by smidgen. Then, walking down Broad Way to Vine, I asked God to show me a sign, and I got shat on by a pigeon. In the medieval city of York, I saw a baby deliver a stork, and the young son of a wizard chomp off the head of a lizard, and feed it to the stork ~ with a spork. Sinbad, that wealth-squandering sailor, sorely needed and expert tailor, cuz his pants had ripped at the crotch, which he did not like very much, cuz his crew could eye his wassailer. Cruising in her Hyundai Sonata, listening to a Bach cantata, she killed the overhead light and mused, “For dinner tonight, I'd love your twelf-inch enchilada.” I went to a clairvoyant in Rheims who could interpret all kinds of dreams. I said I dreamed of a monkey pinning a tail on a donkey. "Soooo! You're obsessed with asses, it seems." I can’t believe this guy! He just tried to pick the apple of my eye! I said, "Are you serious? You think she would want you? That's hilarious!” Two weeks later, guess who I saw walking by. After making some hot love to Beth, I was nigh completely out of breath. What she did to my tool was too cool to be cruel, and mighta caused a weaker man's death. Each time I hear Hark, the angel, sing, I think "Wow, what an amazing thing!” Hark can as thunderously bellow as any other show biz fellow, and knock off her socks and everything. I'm a real pragmatist through and through. When she asked me, "Do ya wanna screw?" ~ I said, "Show me the plan. What do you expect from a man? And what can a man expect from you?” Be careful when you go to Crete. The cops there aren't any too sweet. Hell, they'll even give you a ticket, if you buy an ice cream and lick it on the wrong side of the street. Everyone agrees that by and large, I am the favorite beau of Marge. She has many other lovers who find fun under her covers, But only I ~ get it free of charge. We serve water from toilet to tap. Surprise, surprise! It don't taste like crap. We make the water just as pure, as fresh spring water, that's for sure. Why are you holding your nose, old chap? That night, when Adam watched Eve undress, she saw what words could not yet express. Underneath him, something went "boing." Then, they heard a nightingale’s "soing." And then Able was conceived, we guess. So yes, I would much rather than not take a good, hard look at what you've got. And if you've got too little, I might be noncommittal. But surely not if you've got a lot. I never once said that you were fat. I'd never be as nasty as that. I think you’re a real cutey, with a good looking booty. Although ~ you're tummy ain't all that flat. She was such a delectable dish! She said, “I’ll see you around 8-ish?” So I rang the bell on her door, a good fifteen minutes before, cuz I didn't wanna be late-ish. Jill and I don't need that many words. We tend to communicate like birds. In zany tweets and wacky twitter, she teases me, whereas I kid her, in fab fields of sillies and absurds. When they questioned me that fateful day, I said, “Please! I got nothing to say!” "But you're our only eyewitness!" “Oh yeah? But I was scared sh-tless, and I was looking the other way!” Let our bygones be bygones, my dear. And let's quaff the last of this beer. And while the old moon gapes, let's traipse like two wild apes, haply into a phosphorous New Year. The fox said to the wolf in a huff. "We're making this problem way too tough. You take that pig, Sandie, and I'll take that lamb, Randy. And we split Bugs, if that ain't enough." Holy bejeezus! I didn’t take the time to get things right with Jesus! And now I'm dead, with only the prospect of hell ahead, when in fact, I’d wanted to go somewhere where it sometimes also freezes. "No, no, no, no, no!" said the bawd to the beau. "You may be better looking, but that don't mean I'm cooking, or doing dishes ten days in a row. So much of online poetry is sh-t. I confess, I’ve made a big contribution to it. Here's another one ~ just for you. It’s a short poem about a shoe. Try it on ~ cuz who knows? ~ it may just fit.