I Turn My Back on Bitterness
I wish we could have justice,
not just under the law, but for those who mistreat, use, and deceive us.
For those who break promises and hearts with no compunction, no apology.
If I could sue you or accuse you in a court of law, with a judge, prosecutor, defense attorney, and jury…If I could rip away the muzzle you put on me and finally speak…I would prosecute you, I would tell my story loud and clear with my head up and my back unbent.
Maybe then, after I look at you face to face, and told you how much you hurt me, broke me, wounded and scarred my soul
Maybe then,after everyone heard the full truth and knew you finally for who you are
Maybe then, after you saw the anger, disappointment, disgust and heard the guilty sentence
Maybe then, once they all knew I was the victim in this..NOT YOU…and understood how many lives you ruined, how many hearts you broke and the depths of your depravity…
Maybe then, just Maybe…
But no.No!
I refuse to do this anymore.
This bitterness and agony broke me once,
when the wound was fresh and still bleeding and drawing flies.
My heart was so mangled that it seeped that corruption into my mind…and broke me.
I, not in my right mind, leaped into the hands of oblivion, the gnarled and cruel hands of death.
So, no.
I refuse to do this…I reject it. I abjure it.
I turn my back on it.
For this obsessive compulsion of pain that I continue to probe with my tongue, like an empty bloody socket…
this bittersweet agony can only hurt ME!
It will not even stub your toe or tickle your ribs. So for my sake and with my Heavenly Father holding me up right…
I choose to forgive you…today…maybe only for this minute…and then the next, each tick of the clock I will choose to forgive.
There will be moments, minutes, hours, or even days when the bitterness wins but fortunately I don't believe one must feel forgiveness to offer it.
Only choose to do it. Not for you, but because I have been forgiven as well.
God has every right to prosecute me for my sins but has given me grace. Unmerited favor.
If I don't offer that to others then I am not worthy of it myself.
However, only He can change my heart.
I can choose to forgive you but God will have to make that choice more than just obedience to Him…
He can give me empathy for you and heal me enough to allow me to feel forgiveness for you. That will come with time and no one else, not even myself can make that happen.
I hope you will come to a place of honesty with yourself, a place of humility where you can ask God to forgive you, and feel sorry for what you have done.
Otherwise God will judge you one day.
Unless you repent sincerely, in which case that offense will be blotted out and you will be washed clean of it. You can’t con God though…you have to truly change and repent.
And so do I.
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