Susan Ashley | + Follow Poet |
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Notes About The Poem

April 23, 2025

~ First Place ~
Premiere Contest: Poetry Marathon Mile 25
Sponsor: Mark Toney

~ Ninth Place ~
Premiere Contest: Plagued By Memories
Sponsor: Ink Empress

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I Remember When I Prayed

not like a Christian, but like a victim.
I prayed like a woman afraid,
afraid I was the sacrifice to his vice. 

I would lie awake then.   I lie awake now…

as my heartbeat hammers 
my breastbone like a blacksmith,
I remember.   I remember.

In a pale cringe, I sniffled. My blood polka-dotted
a white floor that smeared an inkblot of me.
A split lip, half-wit tamed by the maim of his fist.

His madman’s magma buried me,
a lingual lava flow that hardened as it cooled. 
My sense of self turned to obsidian. I fractured. 
Tears slashed like shards. I bled self-esteem. 

He preyed on me as I pleaded with him like a god. 
Please forgive me! It’s all my fault! On my knees
I was dead to myself. 
He split my skin. Stripped me to my bones.
His vulture needs...   I remember. 

My emotional remains he savored,
flavored with backhands and vodka bottle bottoms.
I seethed in sour juices of moonshine abuses.
I counted moons and contusions. I counted
each stitch needled through my skin. My heart sutured
with I love you. I'm sorry. It'll never happen again. 
I seized my breath so's not to moan or implode.
As I exhale...  I remember.   

I fantasized of blasting him to the belly of Hell,
when I’d usher vengeance inside our door.
Reaper’s reckoning when this battered forget-me-not
shattered bones with buck-shot scatter. Damn!
I’d have paid the devil for a jail cell to be free.

Candlelit night bruised by cruiser lights.
I remember I prayed like a victim to 911.
Oh God! Please God! Help me! He's gonna kill me!
Bleeding heart flowers pressed between diary pages,
diary pages without words cried to be heard. 

Concussion dreams panic my pulse, dilate my eyes!
Oh, dreamless sleep, grant me deceased peace…
until night hags of nightmares die,   

I will remember...

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Kim Rodrigues Date: 11/9/2025 5:14:00 AM Fantastic write! Digs into the pain, suffering, frustration, and all. What it does not do is humanize the abuser. Who do we care about…the abused. No matter the abuse, minute or long, it is not forgotten. Congrats on a noteworthy win, Susan! Fave Login to Reply

Ann Peck Date: 11/8/2025 12:09:00 PM I just found your poem, Susan. I'm so very saddened that you lived this horror, hoping he would change...but they never do. My heart breaks for you, dear one. Login to Reply

Beata Agustin Date: 11/5/2025 7:55:00 PM Congrats! Thanks for sharing this... another masterpiece from your poetic soul and spirit... God bless you, my poetry mentor. Login to Reply Susan Ashley Date: 11/7/2025 5:40:00 PM Dear Beata, I’m humbled and honored by your precious thoughts and kind congrats. Thank you my dear poetry friend. Warmest wishes.. ~Susan

Tom Woody Date: 11/4/2025 5:19:00 AM Such a vivid, emotional description of the nightmare memories branded into a victim's soul. I remember this winner and it's done it again - this time a topper. Congrats! Login to Reply Susan Ashley Date: 11/4/2025 7:24:00 AM Dear Tom, I relish your return visit and your heartwarming congrats. Thank you for sharing in the harrowing imagery of this poem once again. Your poetic spirit here is truly appreciated. Warmest wishes, my poet friend.. ~Suze

Andrea Dietrich Date: 11/2/2025 9:55:00 PM Wow this is off the charts crazy good and such a well deserved win. Congrats and a fave (I see I commented on it just half a year ago. A wonder I didn't fave it back then,) Login to Reply Susan Ashley Date: 11/4/2025 7:22:00 AM Dear Andrea, I delight in your return visit with your kind congrats and I'm honored to receive your fave. Thank you for sharing your inspiring thoughts, they are treasured. Warmest wishes, my poet friend.. ~Susan

Karen Jones Date: 11/2/2025 3:03:00 PM Congratulations on your top trophy win Susan! Login to Reply Karen Jones Date: 11/2/2025 8:05:00 PM You’re so welcome Susan Ashley Date: 11/2/2025 4:02:00 PM Dear Karen, it’s wonderful to see you! Thank you for visiting with your kind congrats. Warmest wishes.. ~Susan

Maclawrence Famuyiwa Date: 11/2/2025 8:49:00 AM This truly worths being so highly rewarded. You have written this into a great poem that will stand the test of time. Login to Reply Susan Ashley Date: 11/2/2025 4:04:00 PM Dear Maclawrence, thank you for your heartwarming comments. They are treasured. It’s wonderful to receive your gracious visit. Warmest wishes, dear poet.. ~Susan

Valsa George Date: 11/2/2025 2:37:00 AM Dear Susan, back to your poem with huge Congratulations on your prestigious trophy win in the Marathon mile contest and for being the voice of the voiceless women who are tortured and manhandled by those who should actually be their guardians. I know many women who bleed their self esteem not once, but on a daily basis after the drunken bouts of their husbands. But l can't write like you. Susan you are specially gifted. Thank God for your special gift. Login to Reply Susan Ashley Date: 11/2/2025 4:13:00 PM Dearest Valsa, soulful and gifted poet, I am deeply touched and truly honored by your heartwarming words of congrats. Thank you for your precious thoughts and for sharing in the emotions and imagery of this poem about a battered woman. Indeed, there are many who suffer everyday in the cycle of domestic violence. The beauty of your empathy shines in your enlightened voice, my sweet poet friend. Thank you for your poetry friendship.. I admire you so. Warmest wishes.. ~Susan

Mark Toney Date: 11/1/2025 12:05:00 PM Susan, your poignant “Prayer” is not out of reverence but out of desperation seeking deliverance from domestic violence and spiritual trauma. Your poem takes us from panic to fury and finally deliverance with “I remember” three times to the final “I will remember..” A Fav poem for me. Congratulations on your trophy win on Mile 25 of my 2025 Poetry Marathon Contest. Keep your running shoes on, because Mile 26 has already started. Only 1 mile to go before the Qualifiers’ Final Placement contest! Login to Reply Susan Ashley Date: 11/2/2025 10:57:00 AM Dear Mark, indeed, one's prayer can come from many perspectives and circumstances. Thank you for sharing in the emotions and imagery of this poem with me. Your enlightened comments and heartwarming congrats are treasured. I'm honored by both my poem's placement in your contest and by your fav! Thank you, once again, dear poet. Warmest wishes.. ~Susan

Ray Zottola Date: 9/20/2025 11:51:00 AM The victim is on my mind. A sad story to tell or to know. Powerfully spoken! Z Login to Reply Susan Ashley Date: 9/20/2025 3:28:00 PM Dear Ray, it’s wonderful to see you! Indeed, domestic violence, and its aftermath for the victim, is always sad. Hopefully, victims can rise above the pain. Thank you for the compassionate spirit of your comments. Your thoughts are held in my truest appreciation. Warmest wishes, my poet friend.. ~Susan

Beej Simrov Date: 7/21/2025 8:05:00 PM I absolutely love "split lip half-wit tamed by the maim of his fist buried by a madman’s magma"...you have an intense and amazing way with words, power to you Login to Reply Susan Ashley Date: 7/30/2025 11:18:00 AM Dear Beej, it's a pleasure to receive your visit and your amazing comments. Thank you for sharing in the emotions, imagery and domestic brutality of this piece with me. Your poetic presence here is truly appreciated. Warmest wishes.. ~Susan

Lyric Man Date: 5/26/2025 2:46:00 PM I loved your Black-Eyed Susan write! Your piece is raw, visceral, and unforgettable—a scorching purge of trauma and rage wrapped in unrelenting, poetic ferocity. The imagery is vivid and brutal, almost too much to bear—and that’s what gives it its power. It doesn’t blink. It doesn’t flinch… just like you, Susan! I’ve missed you girl. I’m back on the dance floor and I’m asking you now, please save me a dance.. or two! Login to Reply Susan Ashley Date: 6/7/2025 10:04:00 AM Thank you for your additional comments, Lyric Man. I just read your poem "Echoes Of The Broken" and was deeply touched by your compassionate, reflective, urgent call to action from each and every one of us. A breathtaking piece! Thank you for your kind words, I am humbled and honored to know I was a small part of your inspiration for this heart-aching but heart-opening poem. Your golden pen spills revelations that reverberate... Lyric Man Date: 5/31/2025 8:48:00 AM Sweet Susan.. for many years I worked overseas in more than a dozen countries serving the most vulnerable in our world. You were my inspiration to write a new poem entitled, "Echos Of The Broken". Hoping we become fast friends united in our love for the "least of these" and our love of poetry! Susan Ashley Date: 5/28/2025 7:15:00 AM Dear Lyric Man, it's wonderful to see you! I relish your fervent response to my poem. Thank you for sharing in the imagery and emotions of this piece with me. Your time spent with my words is truly appreciated. My heart bleeds for women (and children) who suffer abuse at the hands of someone they loved and trusted. Warmest wishes.. ~Susan

Richard Evans Date: 5/11/2025 11:30:00 AM Wow. Such raw emotion. Incredible verse. God Bless you dear friend and thanks for sharing....................peace! Login to Reply Susan Ashley Date: 5/18/2025 8:00:00 AM Dear Richard, my wonderful poet friend, thank you for sharing in the emotions of this poem with me. I'm both honored and humbled by your expressive response to this piece. It's great to see you! Warmest wishes my inspiring friend.. ~Susan

Tom Woody Date: 5/7/2025 5:44:00 AM Oh boy how did I miss this gem? The painful memories of past abuses is palpable. Black-eyed Susan is not a nickname anyone would want. Stanza four reminded me of two country songs - independence day by Martina McBride and Goodbye Earl by Dixie Chicks. Emotional poetry Susan Login to Reply Susan Ashley Date: 5/9/2025 7:44:00 AM Hi Tom, I'm so glad your found the pain this verse to be palpable. Your words shine with the beauty of empathy. My heart goes out to women, children, people caught in the horrid cycle of physical and emotional abuse. Thank you for sharing in the emotions of this piece with me. In regards to stanza four, I'll have to listen to the two songs you've mentioned. Your thoughts are treasured my poet friend. Warmest wishes.. ~Suze

Zyrool Gifford Date: 4/30/2025 5:44:00 PM Hello Susan, this is brilliantly written and very touching. I hope and pray it’s your wonderfully creative mind at work and that you are sharing it with us. Sending blessings your way my friend. Login to Reply Susan Ashley Date: 5/3/2025 9:19:00 AM Dear Zyrool, my soulful poet friend, it is indeed my creative mind at work. Fortunately, this poem is not about me, I'm blessed to have a wonderful husband, but my pen bleeds for those women who suffer heart-wrenching abuse at the hands of someone they loved and trusted. I embrace both your beautiful poetic spirit and kind visit. Warmest wishes.. ~Susan

Jennifer Proxenos Date: 4/30/2025 11:46:00 AM Hi dearest Susan, a frightful horrible character and such apt wishes you had, which he richly deserved me thinks, that he should go to hell, a man who abused you, who shattered your bones and left you wishing death would enfold you, what a life! AN EXCEPTIONAL write, penned with passion and awesome imagery. I am amazed at your poetic wealth which I remain in awe of. Hugs, love and blessings, Jenny. Login to Reply Susan Ashley Date: 5/3/2025 9:16:00 AM Dearest Jennifer, my soul sister and wonderful poet friend, thank you for sharing in the imagery and emotion of this poem with me. The golden light of your empathy shines like the May sun in a blue sky. Your thoughts are cherished. Fortunately, this poem is not about me, I'm blessed to have a wonderful husband, but my pen bleeds for those women who suffer heart-wrenching abuse at the hands of someone they loved and trusted. Your gracious visit and kindness is embraced with my appreciation, dear sis. Warmest wishes, love and hugs sent to you on rays of sunshine.. ~Susan

Gershon Wolf Date: 4/27/2025 9:35:00 PM I read the first paragraph and shuddered. After the second, I muttered. And with the third, I stuttered, 'Wh-wh-wh-a-t-t-t- hap-p-p-p-p-p-ened--d-d-d-d- to that sw-sw-sw-swee-ee-ee-eet-t-t-t-t S-s-s-s-s-u-s-s-s-an Ash-sh-sh-shley I once knew? ~ Utterly Overcome and Gershunied to Wolfishness Login to Reply Susan Ashley Date: 5/1/2025 12:01:00 PM Dear Gershon, of course! You are the epitome of good fun! :) I'm delighted by your wonderful and smile-full comments. I can write about the dark side when I frown and scowl and try real hard.. hehe! So glad my poem had you shuddering, muttering and stuttering! haha! Thank you, my dear poet friend. Warmest wishes.. ~Susan Gershon Wolf Date: 4/27/2025 9:36:00 PM All in g-g-g-g-ood f-f-f-f-fun, of course. Keep Smiling, Gershon

Andrea Dietrich Date: 4/26/2025 9:28:00 PM Back with my congrats to a very talented poet. Login to Reply Susan Ashley Date: 5/1/2025 12:04:00 PM Aww, thank you, dear Andrea, for your return visit. I'm honored and humbled to receive your kind words. Both your congrats and comments are heartwarming and appreciated. Warmest wishes, my poet friend.. ~Susan

Hilda Greenhough Date: 4/26/2025 2:36:00 PM Thank you for this verse. Nothing can be worse than the calculated brutality that is inflicted. Login to Reply Susan Ashley Date: 5/1/2025 12:15:00 PM Dear Hilda, my sweet poet friend, thank you for sharing in the emotions and imagery of this piece with me, which for too many women is a brutal, heart-wrenching reality. Your thoughts are precious. Fortunately, this poem is not about me, I'm blessed to have a wonderful husband, but my pen bleeds for those women who suffer abuse at the hands of someone they loved and trusted. Warmest wishes.. ~Susan

Beata Agustin Date: 4/25/2025 11:59:00 PM Congrats! Thanks for sharing this, and for sharing your talent. God bless you. Login to Reply Susan Ashley Date: 5/1/2025 12:05:00 PM Dear Beata, both your gracious visit and words of congrats are uplifting and truly appreciated. Thank you and warmest wishes, my poet friend.. ~Susan

Valsa George Date: 4/25/2025 9:05:00 PM "my soul a weeping blistered sore my heart a gangrene amputee pus-green-memories rupture to plague me"..... Wow... ! What emotional depth! What torment....! I take the poem to be fictional or did you really pass through such harassing experiences... ? After reading this, I feel that your poetry is a gift God has specially bestowed on you to forget your past. Amazing poem, dear Susan. I wonder how I could gain a place with you in the contest! Login to Reply Susan Ashley Date: 5/1/2025 12:11:00 PM Dearest Valsa, soulful poet friend, thank you for sharing in the pain and torment of this poem with me. Your comments fill me with such joy as the power and beauty of your empathy shines in your words. Truly, I am humbled and honored by your precious thoughts. Fortunately, this poem is not about me, I'm blessed to have a loving husband, but it does represent a brutal and heart-wrenching reality for too many women around the world. Thank you, my sweet friend, I appreciate your golden presence gracing my poem and my heart. Warmest wishes.. ~Susan

Paige Hind Date: 4/25/2025 5:48:00 PM "black-eyed Susan pressed between diary pages" simply beautiful, you have my condolences that you went through all this, your writing is amazing <3 Login to Reply Susan Ashley Date: 4/26/2025 8:56:00 AM Dear Paige, my soulful poet friend, thank you for pointing out the "black-eyed Susan verse" and for sharing in the emotions and imagery of this poem with me. Your concern for me is deeply moving, but for me, this is a piece of fiction (thank God). But for many women this poem represents a brutal and horrifying reality. Your kindness and lovely comments are truly appreciated. Warmest wishes my inspiring friend.. ~Susan

Frederic Parker Date: 4/25/2025 12:25:00 PM dear poet, dear friend, pretty powerful poem you have here I trust it was creative, I hate to think it wasn't...congratulations...Frederic Login to Reply Susan Ashley Date: 4/26/2025 8:50:00 AM Frederic, dear friend, dear poet, thank you for sharing in the emotions and imagery of this poem with me. Indeed, this was creative.. for me this is a piece of fiction (thank God) but for many women this poem represents a brutal and horrifying reality. Your kindness and friendship is truly appreciated. it's a wonderful honor to share the podium with, my dear friend. Warmest wishes.. ~Susan

I Am Anaya Date: 4/25/2025 11:23:00 AM Susan, I'll begin here with this stunning metaphor “candlelight nights bruised by cruiser lights black-eyed Susan pressed between diary pages concussion dreams panic my pulse and dilate my eyes....” looking at the beautiful yellow daisy with the black center as the beautiful protagonist--the abused woman, just took my breath away, what a clever thought! How does she rid of the trauma forced upon, memories are forever. I felt her sorrow! Congratulations on your win poetess~ Sunshine wishes Login to Reply Susan Ashley Date: 4/26/2025 10:19:00 AM Dear Anaya, I cherish your gracious visit and revel in the beauty of your deep empathy for the abused protagonist in my poem. Thank you for sharing in the emotions and imagery of this piece with me, which for too many women is a brutal, heart-wrenching reality. Indeed, "memories are forever." We both "felt her sorrow!". Your congrats warm my heart like the spring sun. Warmest wishes my sweet friend.. ~Susan

Ink Empress Date: 4/25/2025 1:49:00 AM Dear Susan, Youv written on a powerful subject using so many poetic techniques and weaving of words in a creative manner, i especially love the lines "candlelight nights bruised by cruiser lights black-eyed Susan pressed between diary pages concussion dreams panic my pulse and dilate my eyes sleep of the dead heal me with deceased peace" how creative and how soulfully moving! Brilliant ending! You have a way with words, so clever! Thank you for sharing and for joining: congratulations on your placement in my contest Login to Reply Susan Ashley Date: 4/26/2025 8:45:00 AM Dear Ink, thank you for my poem's placement in your esteemed contest. I'm honored to share the podium with the gifted poets on your list. Your insightful comments and heartwarming congrats are gratifying and truly appreciated. It was a joy to write for your contest! Warmest wishes my soulful poet friend.. ~Susan

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