Jan Allison Poet Couplet

Notes About The Poem

Christmas With the Relations - Fictional Write

Christmas Day has arrived; the thought fills me with such dread
For over twenty years they’ve come to me; it's doing in my head!

I get up at the crack of dawn to get the turkey in the oven
Gran moans about my cooking – she belongs in a witches’ coven 

I always arrange the festive table last thing on Christmas Eve
I don’t sit next to granny; her table manners make me heave!

My sister is so overweight; you should see the size of her fanny
She belches loudly when she eats, so I’ll sit her next to granny 

The taxi arrives at twelve o’clock and I crack open the sherry
When they sit down at the table they are starting to get merry

I slave over a hot stove; no one moves they act too grand
I’ve given up asking for help, they treat me so off-hand

Well this year I’ve rebelled and put laxatives in their soup
I’ll smile secretly when off to the toilet they will all troop

The soup has been devoured and I clear away the plates 
When the laxatives take effect they’ll be in dire straits!

The turkey has been carved; all the vegetables are piled high
Uncle Albert grosses out; he needs a trough in a pigsty!

Turkey, and all the trimmings they will quickly devour
Granny moans about the sprouts she said that one was sour

I quietly sit seething whilst they get all get steaming drunk
Uncle Albert farts loudly – he’s worse than a blinking skunk!

Christmas pudding is eaten, followed by juicy mince pies
Sister Annie stuffs her face, as more fat piles on her thighs 

Single handily I clear the table, and then we open up the gifts
It costs me an utter fortune; you should have seen their lists

Annie has knitted me the most disgusting baggy jumper
I smile sweetly and thank her, but I really want to thump her!

At four o’clock the taxi comes and they all go off home
I sit by the fire with a cup of tea, I’m so glad to be alone 

Next year it’s going to be different; I’m going to go away
Booked a luxury cruise – I’ll be abroad on Christmas Day!

C form contest
Sponsored by Broken Wings
12~30~16

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Reason A. Poteet January 9, 2017 at 7:56 PM On the edge kind of humor, we all have the same relatives. Congratulations on proving your talent is varied; the sarcasm here speaks. Congrats too on your placement Jan Allison January 12, 2017 at 12:08 PM Thanks so much Reason:-) hugs Jan xx

Agnes Krampe January 9, 2017 at 2:54 PM back with congrats! Jan Allison January 12, 2017 at 12:08 PM Thanks so much Agnes:-) hugs jan xx

Seren Roberts January 9, 2017 at 1:15 PM Great write Jan....Seren Jan Allison January 12, 2017 at 12:09 PM Thanks so much Seren:-) hugs jan xx

Kim Rodrigues January 9, 2017 at 8:56 AM Her next adventure will be the better one! Congrats on your humorous win, Jan! Jan Allison January 12, 2017 at 12:09 PM Thanks so much Kim:-) hugs jan xx

Barry Stebbings January 9, 2017 at 7:31 AM Just dropping back back with Congratulations for your win with this funny piece. // Barry. Jan Allison January 9, 2017 at 8:50 AM Thanks Barry I had fun with the theme and form:-) hugs Jan xx

Afzal Nusker January 9, 2017 at 6:37 AM It's very funny the way you mentioned it all with your grand poetic skills. Congratulations, Jan and I'm looking forward to know, what happens when you get on that luxury cruise, next year. Jan Allison January 9, 2017 at 8:49 AM I doubt we will be cruising lol first and last cruise we went on was on the Costa Concordia in 2006 - it wasn't the greatest experience for several reasons and sadly a few years ago the ship sunk which has put me off totally:-( hugs jan xx

Dan Cwiak January 6, 2017 at 7:41 AM What a wonderful write this is at the right time, too. We have given up the relative mingling bit, but only because the Matriarch passed away and we all realize we don't enjoy each other that much... I saw everyone of my relatives in your work, except for granny...she was a sweetheart as I think you are. Great write! Jan Allison January 6, 2017 at 2:01 PM There is a little truth in my lines but I'm not admitting which ones lol:-) For the first time since 1992 we had Christmas on our own I was ill and couldn't risk mum taking my germs to her care home and my son was in London... it meant we could 'do our own thing' eat when we want and totally chill out!:-) hugs Jan xx

Robert Lindley January 3, 2017 at 9:24 PM I feel the truth in this poem my friend. BROUGHT ME BACK TWO DECADES PAST AND IN-LAWS FROM TWO EX-WIVES. lol You write any form so well! Jan Allison January 6, 2017 at 1:59 PM It is a pretty stressful time of year for many Robert!:-) hugs Jan xx

Barry Stebbings January 1, 2017 at 4:46 AM Brilliant Jan. I can recognise some people there myself. Good luck with the Contest. Happy New Year. // Barry. Jan Allison January 1, 2017 at 6:05 AM LOL Barry I am sure there are elements to the poem many can relate to lol:-) Happy New Year:-) hugs Jan xx

Darren White December 31, 2016 at 12:03 PM Hopefully you didn't eat soup? LOL So funny :D You did get yout little island, although there are more people living there. Darren White December 31, 2016 at 11:29 PM \o/ Jan Allison December 31, 2016 at 5:08 PM Of course the soup was for everyone but me ... i was too busy acting as a skivvy lol - there is some truth to the poem but I'm not admitting what little bit ... but YOU are safe to eat my soup lol:-) hugs Jan xx

Demetrios Trifiatis December 31, 2016 at 9:24 AM With such fun writing certainly one can enjoy Christmas to the maximum! A seven dear, Jan! Happy New year! Jan Allison December 31, 2016 at 5:09 PM I had fun with the poem Demetrios:-) Hope 2017 is a great year for us all:-) hugs jan xx

Paulette Calasibetta December 30, 2016 at 10:02 PM Jan, your artfully expressed "Christmas Relations" speaks for many of us. Jan Allison December 31, 2016 at 2:09 AM There is a little bit of truth woven into the poem for me ... but I won't admit which bit lol:-) hugs Jan xx

Tim Smith December 30, 2016 at 9:24 PM Very funny Jan Jan Allison December 31, 2016 at 2:08 AM Cheers Tim I hope Constance likes it:-) hugs Jan xx

Arthur Vaso December 30, 2016 at 8:39 PM Nona better more hilarious well written xmas poem that I think we all can say we have felt at some point! loved this! Jan Allison December 30, 2016 at 8:41 PM There is a little bit of truth in it for me - won't say which bit lol:-) I did have fun with the poem and hope Constance likes the humour:-) hugs jan xx

Agnes Krampe December 30, 2016 at 7:59 PM So very glad it is fictional for you! Thanks for the chuckles. Jan Allison December 30, 2016 at 8:02 PM I had fun writing this one Agnes - its mainly fiction there is a degree of truth in it lol:-) hugs jan xx

Doug Vinson December 30, 2016 at 6:22 PM Stay home where there's no way any cruise ships will sink, where it's safe to get steaming drunk. : ) Jan Allison December 30, 2016 at 6:35 PM I am not the best sailor Doug but if you had relatives like that I think it wouldn't take much to get me on that boat lol:-) hugs jan xx

John Beam December 30, 2016 at 6:13 PM I can almost see the characters, LOL very good write, Jan.xxoo Jan Allison December 30, 2016 at 6:21 PM Glad you enjoyed my fictional family lol:-) Well there may be a bit of truth in some lines ... but I'm not telling lol:-) hugs Jan xx

Mama Bear December 30, 2016 at 5:24 PM This is not fiction for some people I am sure. Well thought out and nicely descriptive It was a fun read and I could imagine the group at the trough Sadly this does happen to people and no one corrects their behaviour Off to the cruise with you If this were true would go with you Hugs and a big 7 from me Edith Jan Allison December 30, 2016 at 5:30 PM I guess it is reality for some :-( We did go on a cruise in 2006 ...Costa Concordia - it was only 6 months old at the time - tragically it sunk a few years ago - put me off cruising lol:-) hugs Jan xx

Joseph May December 30, 2016 at 4:58 PM Enjoyed this fun write Jan...best wishes Jan Allison December 30, 2016 at 5:06 PM Thanks Jospeh I had fun with the contest I hope Constance likes my fun poem:-) hugs jan xx

Chris Green December 30, 2016 at 4:49 PM Now that was funny. I hope the laxatives don't go into action while they are in the taxi, that could get really messy. :) Oh and one other question, in your last line should abroad be two words? :) Just kidding. Really funny Jan, this needs to be a Christmas classic here on the site. Jan Allison December 30, 2016 at 4:57 PM I had fun with this theme - thankfully its total fiction for me. I hope the poem is not too long and people read through to the end:-) A broad abroad lol - there has to be a poem in those lines Chris!:-) hugs Jan xx