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Christmas Day has arrived; the thought fills me with such dread
For over twenty years they’ve come to me; it's doing in my head!

I get up at the crack of dawn to get the turkey in the oven
Gran moans about my cooking – she belongs in a witches’ coven 

I always arrange the festive table last thing on Christmas Eve
I don’t sit next to granny; her table manners make me heave!

My sister is so overweight; you should see the size of her fanny
She belches loudly when she eats, so I’ll sit her next to granny 

The taxi arrives at twelve o’clock and I crack open the sherry
When they sit down at the table they are starting to get merry

I slave over a hot stove; no one moves they act too grand
I’ve given up asking for help, they treat me so off-hand

Well this year I’ve rebelled and put laxatives in their soup
I’ll smile secretly when off to the toilet they will all troop

The soup has been devoured and I clear away the plates 
When the laxatives take effect they’ll be in dire straits!

The turkey has been carved; all the vegetables are piled high
Uncle Albert grosses out; he needs a trough in a pigsty!

Turkey, and all the trimmings they will quickly devour
Granny moans about the sprouts she said that one was sour

I quietly sit seething whilst they get all get steaming drunk
Uncle Albert farts loudly – he’s worse than a blinking skunk!

Christmas pudding is eaten, followed by juicy mince pies
Sister Annie stuffs her face, as more fat piles on her thighs 

Single handily I clear the table, and then we open up the gifts
It costs me an utter fortune; you should have seen their lists

Annie has knitted me the most disgusting baggy jumper
I smile sweetly and thank her, but I really want to thump her!

At four o’clock the taxi comes and they all go off home
I sit by the fire with a cup of tea, I’m so glad to be alone 

Next year it’s going to be different; I’m going to go away
Booked a luxury cruise – I’ll be abroad on Christmas Day!

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