Poetry Forum

I think this is a good draft. It definitely outlines the direction the author wishes to go in. The goal of the poem seems to be a reclaiming, an act of self-definition, a declaration of unity and humanity across time.

I think the first line should be examined carefully, as it does not refute the image of the black body as emblematic of slave-hood. Rather than redefine the metonym of the black body, it says "but..." and proceeds to list a litany of abstract, intangible qualities that seem to be an attempt to counterbalance, or excuse the reality of having the body of a slave. I think there is a stronger way to approach the topic.

I think the poem should refute the image of the black body as being emblematic of slave-hood, by grounding each of the abstract qualities listed in this draft with images of the black body. For example "The passion of our hospitality..." is a rich opportunity to delve into the topic of soul food, hands with dark skin stirring steaming pots, or steam from cooking at the skillet leaving a beautiful sheen on fingers. You could even extend the theme of black being beautiful to including the image of a cast iron skillet, how its dark skin creates magnificent food that holds communities together. You could have images of people hand in hand before dinner giving thanks together, etc... You could even go around the table describing each smile and how each person's skin is a little different, some a little more red, some more gold, some lighter, some darker, some new and smooth, others wrinkled and weathered, but all unified by the melanin they've inherited from their ancestors, etc...

There could be an image of a young black woman as valedictorian of her college giving a speech at graduation, and you could extend the metaphor as black as beautiful by emphasizing the black robes of educational achievement and excellence, etc...

"There's an energy, strain..." could be related as an image of protesters taking the wheel of democratic process in their hands, black lips speaking truth to power, her black skin more righteous than the black armor of white officers; the image of black as beautiful could be extended to the black roads that are the life-veins of civilization, etc...

There are lots of ways that you can use images of the black body to illustrate love,