Poetry Forum

Melanie44 - all messages by user

12/23/2017 10:08:18 AM
Looking for critique	Grief in Stages And in your death my soul is tethered A presence yet unsevered Tragic loss not well weathered Empty in your absence Unspeakable resurgence And implausible resilience Suffering in silence As none can console Not within control An altering of the soul Never again to be whole And not meant to be Of this I will agree Although did not foresee The depth of change in me Expected not the gain That which was my bane Affords comfort in the pain As it assures me you remain And in your death my soul is tethered edited by Melanie44 on 12/26/2017
1/1/2018 12:30:06 PM
The Doors of Perception	Dear Levi, What I sense in this poem is a desire for knowledge and meaning. I think the unanswered questions are because you, yourself are still searching. I think that makes this poem fascinating.I feel as if you are processing many aspects of what you are learning or have learned and I find writing about such things brave and vulnerable. I believe that may be why I am drawn to it. Just a few suggestions that may improve flow while keeping within the framework of your thoughts…I hope. First, there is no real need for the punctuation as the break in the line offers a natural pause. If the line in the stanza is carried on from the previous line consider starting with a lower case. Cutting back some of the extra words while keeping the thought may be helpful for flow… For me, the first stanza seems to represent your quest for knowledge and your curiosity. I thirst for a thousand shades of gray liquid matter (liquid matter does not strike me as important here) but your thirst for understanding what is not defined comes through. And I crave to pass through humanity’s walls. Repeating the idea of thirst with crave is nice here and I sense the desire to break through barriers. Unhinging the doors of subliminal perception. I read this as removing the barriers of what we are expected to see. Experience curiosity of reversed protocols. (nice rhyme scheme with L2) I feel this is how you want to be able to look at the universe…differently or the other way around. Suggestions: Thirsting fora thousand shades of grey craving passage through humanities walls unhinging doors of expected perception curiosity served with reversed protocols Stanza 2 seems to represent your exposure to information but that it is not completely understood and you are still making sense of it. The air is now light and the light is air. Your ideas are coming together but this sounds repetitive… see suggestion The micro details of matter are now bare. Sounds like you are suggesting that details are becoming more apparent All life’s limitations are moving opportunities. Suggesting that limitations may not be as such in the scheme of the universe. All flaws are perfect while perfection is rare. Recognition flaws are part of the human existence but possibly also that while abstracts such as line and pattern may be perfect it is not so for being. However, I suggest changing “flaw”as it tends to indicate wrong or less than. Suggestions: Light and air become one details of matter, bare limitations afford opportunity difference perfect as perfection rare The 3rd stanza took a few more reads but this is what I took away from it. Unravelling the beauty of the universe is vision. I hear this as suggesting that there is insight to gain from looking at the universe The vision through doors, people, and atoms of all kinds. Suggests the universe is everything Peaceful coexistence is purview of our purpose. Suggests that peace and unity can be anticipated as our goal – to keep with the theme of the poem, I suggest understanding in place of peace and coexistence The doors of perception are signs posts of our minds Exploring the universe is how we understand being? Suggestions: This last stanza felt a little cluttered, maybe strip it back a bit? Beauty of an unravelled universe visions, existence of all kinds understanding the purview of our purpose it’s doors, the sign post of our minds I am not sure if my interpretation was accurate but it is what I read and felt in this. Here it is with the suggestions as that is all they are. Play with it a bit but don’t give up on it… Thirsting fora thousand shades of grey craving passage through humanities walls unhinging doors of expected perception curiosity served with reversed protocols Light and air become one details of matter, bare limitations afford opportunity difference perfect as perfection rare Beauty of an unravelled universe visions, existence of all kinds understanding the purview of our purpose it’s doors, the sign post of our minds I wish you the best. Would be interested is reading your final version edited by Melanie44 on 1/1/2018
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