Poetry Forum

I don't really get the sense that the description of the sunset is necessarily expressing something unique, but I think it is a worthy image to explore.

The main ideas of the poem seem to be a) sunsets are beautiful b) this beautiful quality evokes a sense of something greater than appearances (an artist behind the beauty; artistry being an act of intention and deliberate design) c) (?) that the beauty of the sunset misdirects a careful observer from a sense of mortality?

If my reflection of "c" is correct, this is the closest the reader comes to an original expression in the work. It's a clever turn, or volta, whose brevity of articulation might indicate that it would be interesting to see the work rewritten as a Shakespearean sonnet.

All in all, my attention began to drift halfway through; I did not find it nearly as compelling as a real sunset.

you can look up the rules for a Shakespearean sonnet if you like. writing them in iambic pentameter can be a bit nightmarish if you're completely new to meter. Still you might enjoy adopting the stanza structure.

juxtaposing the classical beautiful sunset motif with awareness of mortality is something i haven't read before. each half has been used before, but I've never seen them used together. using them together that way creates the opportunity to make a statement about how we relate to beauty and how desire shapes perception of reality.

it could turn into a lovely exploration if you wish to develop it in that direction.
edited by superlativedeleted on 5/3/2018

superlativedeleted wrote:


But that's the thing, I really appreciate your comments but I do not have a lot of insight when it concerns the technicalities of my poems. I would really love to learn. Once I start a poem it just flows and I don't know what it will become until it's finished. I'm not even sure if my poems are ballads. I read about the different kinds and I guess mine looked more like ballads. That's why I welcome the insightful comments and I'm willing to learn from them. I read some more about the Shakespearean sonnets. Thank you.
edited by wendyme on 5/10/2018

Very positive and whimsical content.

One of my personal pet peeves is poems that tell the reader how to feel or promise the way they will feel. I suppose if it were a poem for a children's book, maybe.

My main suggestion would be to experiment rewriting it as a lyric poem in first person.

I often find enjoyable poems that accomplish the amazement of the reader through powers of description rather than simply telling them they'll be amazed. I like the promise on the menu, but I'd rather have the steam of the steak rolling up into my notrils, the sting of steaksauce on my tongue, and the smooth warmth of mashed potatos in my mouth. No need to say "you'll love our steak and mashed potatos." Give us steak and mashed potatos!

Rewriting as a lyric poem i think will help the author focus on experiencing and expressing its own amazement and wonder, which is sure to resonate at a universal level with others, rather than overly focusing on the reader and trying to figure out how to get them to feel amazed.

lectures are not poems. strong opinion. weak poem.




the work is almost entirely devoid of sensory detail, and is entirely devoid of inner sensation. It is not something the reader can experience; the author is talking at the reader. Those that agree with it will be delighted by it; but poems are not subject to agreement or not agreement, as they are experiences which the reader is asked to process and make their own impressions of.





If we remove the device of end rhyme, the façade of poesie falls compeletely away. There is the simile of the poisoned lollipop, but it is a simile that could even be included in casual conversation or prose.




If the author wishes to transpose the work into poetic form, it would best be done by illustrating scenes that engage the senses that capture the dynamic the poet wishes to express, hopefully refraining from editorializing.




the draft is a great road sign directing the author in the direction it wishes to go, but it has not arrived yet.

This is great. Universal situation married with authentic emotional truth, expressed in conversational voice that speaks intimately/caringly to the reader as if each reader is the only person that will read it. The use of second person is validated by the narrative persona. Though second person is used, it is clear the persona of the poem is speaking of itself and is expressing its authentic emotional truth, and is sharing this experience to the reader in a with a private voice. The use of second person is not used to tell the reader what to think or feel.The use of second person is also validated by conveying the restrained detachment, the ambivelence of feeling something but not wanting to feel it. Describing what the reader might go through to actually describe the experience of the persona created for the poem is a wonderful and clever device. Each reader will feel the poem was meant for them, rather than simply having been requested to witness the life of the persona. The poem creates a space for the reader to exist within it, as an equal to the persona. Wonderful!
edited by superlativedeleted on 10/7/2018