Poetry Forum

sivey01 - all messages by user

7/9/2017 6:47:08 AM
Don't forget to close the door	The meter and flow of this poem is very nicely done until you get to the line, "Just another shattered heart in your repertoire." It starts to have a longer syllable count here. This is also true for the second couplet, "And live with my own personal strife." It is off a little here as well. The last line of the second stanza is an additional rhyme with the previous two, to make a tercet. I don't know if this is really necessary for this poem, it just doesn't go along with the rest of your piece. However, other than those points, the rest of the poem is excellent. I especially enjoyed the repetition of the "don't forget to shut the door." Also your last three lines at the end of your poem packs quite a punch and is very effective for this poem. Your first stanza is quite professional. You could end the poem right after that stanza and it would be a finished and well polished write. But I understand that you wanted to write more to explain yourself further. That is ok, but remember that sometimes less is more! You don't have to write a long poem for it to be effective. I feel you have a wonderful start to an excellent piece, just some minor tweaks and you will have a perfect poem.
pages: 1

7/9/2017 6:47:08 AM

The meter and flow of this poem is very nicely done until you get to the line, "Just another shattered heart in your repertoire." It starts to have a longer syllable count here. This is also true for the second couplet, "And live with my own personal strife." It is off a little here as well. The last line of the second stanza is an additional rhyme with the previous two, to make a tercet. I don't know if this is really necessary for this poem, it just doesn't go along with the rest of your piece. However, other than those points, the rest of the poem is excellent. I especially enjoyed the repetition of the "don't forget to shut the door." Also your last three lines at the end of your poem packs quite a punch and is very effective for this poem. Your first stanza is quite professional. You could end the poem right after that stanza and it would be a finished and well polished write. But I understand that you wanted to write more to explain yourself further. That is ok, but remember that sometimes less is more! You don't have to write a long poem for it to be effective. I feel you have a wonderful start to an excellent piece, just some minor tweaks and you will have a perfect poem.

pages: 1