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7/4/2017 2:35:28 PM Jay Vee Posts: 8	Don't forget to shut the door Open mind and open heart I knew I loved you from the start. Forgot the poison you became You carved my heart and etched my brain. My aim was true, my arrow missed I close my eyes and bite my fist. You drag your feet across my floor Please don't forget to shut the door. A breech of trust with ill intent? I'll never know just what you meant. Insisting "i can't do this now" Your angry shot across my bow. Circle, triangle and now a square It's more frustration than I can bare. No shame, no sorrow and no regard You drag your feet across my yard. You're walking out again,"it's too hard" I lay in pieces on the floor Please don't forget to shut the door. Time heals wounds and this will scar Another shattered heart in your repertoire. I walk, I talk, I live my life And battle my own personal strife. I think about you now and then My thoughts control my weary pen. My water is calm, give or take Again I've weathered your mighty wake. My yard is patched I've cleaned my floor It's finally me, who shut the door. edited by joejamvig on 7/12/2017 edited by joejamvig on 7/12/2017 edited by joejamvig on 7/12/2017
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7/4/2017 11:28:58 PM Michael Warner Posts: 1	I dig the ending. The geometry line was a bit confusing and broke the rhyme scheme (or didn't? I can't tell). I'd take another look at that
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7/8/2017 6:03:47 PM Jay Vee Posts: 8	The geometrical line represents the circle of two people in a relationship, the triangle 3 and the square 4.
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7/9/2017 6:47:08 AM Russell Sivey Posts: 2	The meter and flow of this poem is very nicely done until you get to the line, "Just another shattered heart in your repertoire." It starts to have a longer syllable count here. This is also true for the second couplet, "And live with my own personal strife." It is off a little here as well. The last line of the second stanza is an additional rhyme with the previous two, to make a tercet. I don't know if this is really necessary for this poem, it just doesn't go along with the rest of your piece. However, other than those points, the rest of the poem is excellent. I especially enjoyed the repetition of the "don't forget to shut the door." Also your last three lines at the end of your poem packs quite a punch and is very effective for this poem. Your first stanza is quite professional. You could end the poem right after that stanza and it would be a finished and well polished write. But I understand that you wanted to write more to explain yourself further. That is ok, but remember that sometimes less is more! You don't have to write a long poem for it to be effective. I feel you have a wonderful start to an excellent piece, just some minor tweaks and you will have a perfect poem.
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7/9/2017 10:34:45 AM Jay Vee Posts: 8	Thank you for your critique! I really appreciate the feedback. Perhaps this would work better or make more sense as free verse? I am very influenced by Leonard Cohen. I actually hear him when I read things out loud. I know I should be my own writer, but I can't think of anyone better to emulate. Thanks again for reading my piece. I'll make some tweaks and see how it goes.
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7/10/2017 4:14:40 PM Beverly Read Posts: 3	I also like the first stanza and agree that it could stand alone. In the second stanza, fourth line, you use You're instead of Your. Also in the last stanza line two. You're is a contraction of "you are" and is not a possessive which is what should be in those two places. I agree with sivey01 on the meter and flow items. Otherwise, nice write and I also like the ending lines. Very powerful.
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7/11/2017 8:41:19 AM Jay Vee Posts: 8	good lord! what have i done to the queens English?! i will fix the grammatical error immediately. thanks for the input.
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