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Inappropriate church behavior ... a funny story or two - Painted Hunter's Blog

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Inappropriate church behavior ... a funny story or two

Blog Posted:5/28/2014 8:46:00 AM
  Hey y'all. Been busy around here and haven't had much time for the soup, but I've got some free time today so I thought I'd post a blog, maybe a poem, and read some poems, too. Also, I have an amusing story or two for ya.

   Okay, so I have an uncle ... Uncle Leon. He's actually my wife's uncle. His whole family does their best to avoid him...yeah, he's THAT kind of uncle. He's 76 years old with a big, crazy mop of snow white hair. He's big, too. At 75 years old he's about 6'2" and weighs in at about 275 lbs. He's crabby and he likes to argue, but for some reason he took a liking to me when we first met about 15 years ago. (Oh yeah...he's rich...which is the only reason that most of his family puts up with him at all. And seeing as how he doesn't have a wife or children of his own, they're all just waiting to see what they get....pathetic, I think) He knows I don't give a rat's behind about his money, and I think that's part of the reason he likes me so much. Anyway, Leon and I have had several little adventures together. He likes to be out and about, and he doesn't embarrass me like he seems to embarrass his blood family, so I don't mind doing stuff with him. He DOES guard his money pretty closely, however....course, he gives my kids about 20$ a week, each, and that's cool. They got more money than me...;) 

   Once, when Leon and I had been out to eat, which, by the way, turned into a 4 hour ordeal, we stopped at a gas station to fill up and get him a candy bar. I filled the truck up and he went in to pay. I waited, and waited, and waited. Finally, I went in to see what was the hold-up. He was raising hell with the cashier over 3 cents and a Mr. Goodbar. I had to drag him out. He complained about being overcharged the rest of the way home. Also on that trip, we stopped in the middle of the highway 3 times so he could pee, and nearly had a head-on collision with a cop once....I drove after that incident.

   He was recently banned from riding his hoveround in town on the grounds of reckless driving. I thought that was pretty cool, and congratulated him on a job well done. There are 5 or 6 restaurants in town here and he's banned from most of them.

   Anyway, he decided to show up at church last Sunday. We sit in the balcony...I like my little hidey-hole up there...;) I guess someone downstairs told him I was up there because I heard him when he was coming up the stairs. It was after the singing was over so it was fairly quiet and then I hear...."TALUM! TALUM! Where's Talum? He up there? Hey Talum!"....yeah, he hasn't gotten my name right in 15 years and I've resigned myself to being called Talum. I jumped up and ran down the stairs to meet him, tell him to shut up, and help him up the stairs....which I did all those things. When told him to shut up he said, "Oh...gotta shut the hell up in church, huh, Talum?"...haha.

  So the service went on and he cleared his throat every chance he got ... even burped and yawned a few times(LOUD). I elbowed him on several occasions and said, "Be quiet, dangit...you're embarrassing Amanda."...and he was. Another cousin of ours who WAS sitting next to us had gotten up and moved to the other side before Leon and I had ever made it up the stairs. His reply to my elbows was to hold his throat and say, "I can't help it, Talum....I can't help it."........Me..."Yeah, whatever, man"

   I was a little nervous that he would start talking to me...the dude can't whisper. Plus, he cusses a lot and I just knew he was gonna drop the F-bomb at the worst possible moment...not that ANY moment is the RIGHT moment to drop the F-bomb in church. Waiting for the bomb to drop, I thought back to anotherr situation in church where a word bomb was dropped at the best, or worst possible moment.....

   There was a guy in town named Clyde. He's dead now and this was maybe 10 or 12 years ago. Clyde had been hit by a train when he was a young man and it messed him up pretty bad. Before the accident, he was going to medical school...and was something of a genious. I used to mow his mom's yard where he lived and I'd always drink a cup of coffee and visit with him while I was there....so I liked Clyde. He was not only physically messed up....the train accident had messed his mind up as well. He spoke REALLY loud.

   Back to my story...Clyde showed up at church one day. He was sitting right in the center aisle where people walk past. It was the part of the service after everyone is done mingling and the pastor gets up front and calls attention....and then it gets really quiet...you church going folks know what I mean. Well, the associate paster, Homer Collins, was an old running buddy of Clyde's in their younger days. Apparantly, they hadn't seen each other in a long time. So, as Homer was walking past to go up front, he stopped to shake Clyde's hand and whisper, "Hi, Clyde, good to see you here"....or something like that, I'm sure. Clyde looked up at him, recognized his old buddy, and at the top of his voice declared, "WELL GOD**MN!!! HOMER COLLINS!!!"  Oh mercy, it was beautiful. There was an immediate and sharp inhale of breath throughout the entire congregation...all at once....and every head spun. It was total shock. Homer smiled in a very embarrassed sort of way, patted Clyde on the shoulder, and made his way up front in shame. HA...It was awesome. My brothers and I couldn't stop laughing...neither could my dad...our wives elbowing us in a frantic sort of way. Don't get me wrong...we weren't making fun or anything...because Clyde didn't know the magnitude of what he had just done. But it was SO DARN FUNNY. I have to think that even God found that one amusing. Clyde was just an innocent, after all. The pastor took it in stride. He smiled and said, "Well, I guess that's our cue to get started." I'd give darn near anything to have that service on video...;)...Inappropriate church behavior...gotta love it.
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Date: 6/19/2014 3:57:00 PM
Caleb, Thanks for the laugh ! Love your awesome, genuine real life stories. Very well written and entertaining :)
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Date: 6/5/2014 4:42:00 AM
Hey Caleb Enjoyed this and had a good laugh. I can relate as my father-in-law-- in his mid 80's is the same in church. Speaks in church loudly to us, and can't stop fidgeting. One Sunday he fidgeted so much with his chair (he is a handyman by trade) he broke it !!! Keeps complaining the sound system is too soft on the top of his voice, but refuses to wear a hearing aid. My husband sits there cringing, but I think it is quite humorous.
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Date: 5/29/2014 9:46:00 AM
You want to her about inappropriate church behavior... read my 'Fire and Brimstone'. Silly Dragon!
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Date: 5/28/2014 9:15:00 PM
Caleb, it's so good to see you again and read your funny stories. I hope you will email me sometime and tell me what ever happened with the baby? Anyway, I really know the feeling you describe. I have sat next to a few people who talk way too loudly in an inappropriate situation. I feel so embarrassed. But gosh, what can ya do?? GREAT stories.
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Hunter Avatar
Painted Hunter
Date: 5/30/2014 2:15:00 PM
Yup, I'll give you a holler sometime and let ya know how it's all going....no change as of now...
Date: 5/28/2014 2:34:00 PM
Where the heck have you been? I missed you.
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Painted Hunter
Date: 5/30/2014 2:16:00 PM
;)
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Debbie Guzzi
Date: 5/28/2014 4:48:00 PM
harvest? I haven't gotten my first piece of lettuce? How can the most handsome man with the most beautiful wife & the most gorgeous children be in a funk [ you have heaven in your arms!]
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Painted Hunter
Date: 5/28/2014 2:53:00 PM
I missed you too, Debbie. I've been in a little funk lately, I guess. Plus...trying to get ready for harvest season...boooo
Date: 5/28/2014 12:48:00 PM
Awesome stories. My husband would liven up the room with comments that were inappropriate too, especially in church weddings and even funerals. Gotta love 'em.....
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Painted Hunter
Date: 5/28/2014 2:54:00 PM
Sounds like my kinda guy...;)
Date: 5/28/2014 9:15:00 AM
Loved your story!
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Painted Hunter
Date: 5/28/2014 2:54:00 PM
thanks Carol!

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