Love Has Gone and Left Me
Love has gone and left me
Yet the day continues on
I wake to ruminations
Plaguing me from dusk till dawn.
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My feet now hit the carpet
As I gather up my wits
Rub my eyes and stretch my limbs
And persevere if time permits.
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I fill my day with chaos
To relieve me of my thoughts
Seek out others in a quest
To rid my stomach of its knots.
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Put my sadness on a shelf
As I quietly reflect
On the battle waged between
My narcissistic intellect.
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And the narrative I tell
As I try to disengage
From the darker musings haunting me
While stuck inside my cage.
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Brush my hair and then my teeth
As the tears spill down my face
Grab my breakfast and my keys
Try to permit myself some grace.
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And though I grasp onto this fear
In a haze of secrecy
Swap my angst for bad behavior
In a frantic reverie.
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Of choices made in gaping
Crevices of mania and such
Preying on those who I love
And depend upon so much.
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Head to work with the amygdala
I lovingly unfold
In a dance of fierce restraint
Of big emotions I withold.
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From those I deem as lacking
A mild and healing sympathy
Abandon tact to pathologize
My fears ignorantly.
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Without regard for how sincere
Of all the efforts I procure
In my divergence from the norms
Of Autism that I endure.
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So I rant among the stanzas
Holding me in their embrace
Go about my day contending with
The tortuous rat race.
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Curb my stims so I resemble
Those society approves
Fit into their puzzle pieces
With behaviors that I choose.
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And these behaviors, I admit
Fail to properly address
Ruminations I acquire
And the feelings I express.
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But I will ensure I fight
So that my fears will dissipate
Use my tools to manage symptoms
That I constantly create.
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So that love will once again emerge
Within the jaded crowd
Be who I am and know
That I can share my thoughts out loud.
Copyright © Carrie Farrar | Year Posted 2024
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