What If
The first of my screw ups,
Possibly anyways,
I know I could have gone down in flames with that one;
I am almost positive that it’s what started it,
The untrusting,
The apprehension towards the one thing I want the most;
I can’t exactly say I was burned,
Because in reality – I wasn’t,
But I might as well have been,
It left the same effect on me,
It caused me to do the same things,
And either way I was left out in cold,
Alone,
Without ever knowing why;
The question why comes to mind a lot,
Why was I suddenly alone?
Why was I lied to?
Why did I fall like that?
Why did I believe the things I was told?
I honestly do not understand a thing about it all,
Or him for that matter,
He built up this hope in me,
This….hope,
Hope that I don’t even know why I had,
He convinced me of things,
Things I’d never heard before,
And then disappeared without a trace,
Didn’t come back,
And I couldn’t find a thing;
Sometimes I nearly forget about it all,
And it’s just a faint memory way in the depths of my mind,
I know all too well that it’s still there though,
Still there to eat at me every once in a while,
Still there to make me skeptical of things I should know by now,
Still there to make me contemplate it;
I am almost positive that it’s what started this chain reaction within me,
And I can’t seem to let that go,
I can’t seem to figure it out,
And because of that it lives on;
I keep wondering,
What if it happens again?
What if it always happens?
What if it happens this time?
I don’t think I can handle it,
And that’s what I’m afraid of,
That’s what scares me more than anything,
What if it does happen this one time?
What if I never get over the ‘what if’?
What if I never let this go?
Copyright © Gillian Brumbaugh | Year Posted 2005
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