What If

The first of my screw ups, Possibly anyways, I know I could have gone down in flames with that one; I am almost positive that it’s what started it, The untrusting, The apprehension towards the one thing I want the most; I can’t exactly say I was burned, Because in reality – I wasn’t, But I might as well have been, It left the same effect on me, It caused me to do the same things, And either way I was left out in cold, Alone, Without ever knowing why; The question why comes to mind a lot, Why was I suddenly alone? Why was I lied to? Why did I fall like that? Why did I believe the things I was told? I honestly do not understand a thing about it all, Or him for that matter, He built up this hope in me, This….hope, Hope that I don’t even know why I had, He convinced me of things, Things I’d never heard before, And then disappeared without a trace, Didn’t come back, And I couldn’t find a thing; Sometimes I nearly forget about it all, And it’s just a faint memory way in the depths of my mind, I know all too well that it’s still there though, Still there to eat at me every once in a while, Still there to make me skeptical of things I should know by now, Still there to make me contemplate it; I am almost positive that it’s what started this chain reaction within me, And I can’t seem to let that go, I can’t seem to figure it out, And because of that it lives on; I keep wondering, What if it happens again? What if it always happens? What if it happens this time? I don’t think I can handle it, And that’s what I’m afraid of, That’s what scares me more than anything, What if it does happen this one time? What if I never get over the ‘what if’? What if I never let this go?