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Milton Toran Poem
Turkey's on the table, both legs up
Everything was fine, 'til I made the first cut!
The turkey unleashed a "CACKLE!", then jumped onto the floor
All you could see was basted skin, bolting out the door!
"Catch that turkey!!", I screamed,..."That's our evening meal!!"
The neighborhood looked on in awe, while asking,..."What's the deal?!"
The turkey rounded the corner, boy, that sucker was quick
Dashing like a sprinter, pumpin' those massive drumsticks!
It darted down an alley, disturbed a hobo's nap
And there, seated in a corner, he jumped upon his lap!
"Thank you Lord!", the hobo cried..."Today I won't have to beg!"
"Maybe I'll start with a wing, or perhaps I'll have a leg!"
"Put the turkey down!!", I roared,..."That bird belongs to me!!"
All I could see was a tailwind, as the hobo decided to flee!
I chased him down the alley, perhaps a quarter mile
Acting a fool in public, was never quite my style!
We dashed across the freeway, dodging every car
All I want is my turkey, can't stop, I've come too far!
The chase led to a corner, right past a city cop
He stood there like a scarecrow, talk about a useless flop!
Suddenly, it ended, the bum tripped over his laces
He broke his leg quite viciously, in fact, several places!
I woke up the next morning, thank God it was just a dream
With a hangover and an achin' skull, "OUCH!!" is what I screamed!
I looked over at the table, what do you think I'd see?
That same ol' basted turkey, lying there peacefully!
I stumbled to the table, laid that bird in a box
Packed two sides with a bisquit, then staggered on down the block!
I came upon that alley, peeked behind a garbage can
And there, sleeping like a baby, was a ragged ol' homeless man!
I placed the box beside him, never did I say a word
I penned a note which kindly read,..."Hope you like the bird."
Copyright © Milton Toran | Year Posted 2009
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Milton Toran Poem
I wanna write a poem,
but I ain't got no pen;
I'll sit here lookin' stupid,
my patience is wearin' thin!
I wanna write a poem,
but I ain't got no paper;
"Brain fart's" my middle name,
that's my latest caper!
I wanna write a poem,
but I ain't got no words;
Perhaps I'll go to the litterbox,
an' count the kitty's turds!
I wanna write a poem,
but I ain't got no hope;
My chances are slim to zero,
maybe I'll call the Pope!
I wanna write a poem,
I'm runnin' outta gas;
Guess I'll go to the bathroom,
Ideas are stuck in my..."BLEEP!!"
Copyright © Milton Toran | Year Posted 2009
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Milton Toran Poem
Dracula needed dentures,
That's the story I've been told
The man was getting up in age,
Nearly seven centuries old!
He refused to see a dentist,
While losing his fatal bite
He soon became a laughing stock,
Not a soul feared him at night!
The Transylvanian Drooler,
His newly appointed name
He lost his reputation,
His bite was rather lame!
Each time he'd suck a neck,
His victims failed to succumb
He had no fangs to penetrate,
For all he could do was "gum!"
No more humiliation!
It was time to buy some teeth;
His remaining shred of dignity,
Sank to the gutters beneath!
A brand new set of choppers,
Created a lovely smile
Soaring back to action,
Has always been his style!
Behold, another damsel,
How could she escape?
He swooped around the corner,
Binding her with his cape!
He took one mighty bite,
With very little effect
When he tried to pull away,
His teeth were stuck in her neck!
His face turned red as a beacon,
What a mockery to the undead
His victim cried with laughter,
Then smacked him across the head!
Dracula quit the business,
Heeding retirement's call
Suckin' down Bloody Marys,
Toothless and gummin' a straw!
Copyright © Milton Toran | Year Posted 2013
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Milton Toran Poem
Santa challenged Jesus,
his words were cold as ice;
"I bring toys and happiness"
"I love this festive life"
"I travel around the world,
bringing lots of cheer"
"I have my own shop,
with strapping reindeer"
"I can fly up a chimney,
with a finger aside my nose"
"My elves are working daily,
with bells upon their toes"
"I have a huge mansion,
beyond the North Pole"
"Everybody loves me,
from the youngest to the old"
"I can see the naughty,
the nice and witty too"
"Tell me, dear Jesus,
what exactly can you do?"
Jesus answered quickly,
And this is what he said,
"I can heal the sick,
and even raise the dead"
"I can walk on water,
make a blind man see"
"Your elves are my disciples,
who follow faithfully"
"You say you have a mansion?"
"My Father has many"
"My children's humble prayers,
are answered by me"
"I can turn water,
to the purest of wine"
"I can cast out demons,
to the lowest of swine"
"I can soothe mighty seas,
I can feed the multitude"
"I gave my life for sinners,
you're one I must include"
"I was born for a purpose,
do not forsake this cause"
"Without my resurrection,
there'd be no Santa Claus"
"I will have the final word,
prepare for Judgement Day"
Santa bowed to Jesus,
he began to weep and pray
Santa visits once a year,
Jesus is twenty-four seven;
Ho, ho, ho, and mistletoe,
won't get you into heaven
Merry Christmas!
Copyright © Milton Toran | Year Posted 2012
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Milton Toran Poem
While sitting on a hollow log
I was kissed by an ugly frog
It turned into an ugly queen
My oh my, what a hideous scene
I'd rather pull ticks from a dog!
Copyright © Milton Toran | Year Posted 2013
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Milton Toran Poem
I joined a nudist colony,
Was that a big mistake!
Everyone's naked, in the buff,
Sippin' soda by a lake
A big ol' gal named Marsha,
Stepped on a banana peel;
Our feet got tangled together,
As we tumbled down a hill!
My life had flashed before me,
Flesh was crowdin' my space;
By the time we hit rock bottom,
Her moon was in my face!
I fought like hell for freedom,
Her butt was crushin' my skull;
I was feelin' rather groggy,
My vision was goin' dull!
Mounds of sweat overwhelmed me,
Six others came to assist,
Beneath that skin I was tastin',
The biggest butt I ever kissed!
With a heave and a ho, I was free,
My body was a mangled mess;
I spent a week on the sofa,
An ugly sight, I must confess!
You might say I'm stupid,
It'll roll right off my back;
I never used marijuana,
But I've had my share of crack!
Copyright © Milton Toran | Year Posted 2010
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Milton Toran Poem
dear tormented soul,
what are you out to gain?;
why do you toil in misery,
why are you in so much pain?
persecuting others,
because of what they say;
if you want to teach them,
try the Christian way!
your heart's in total anguish,
you claim that you don't lie;
only Christ walked on water,
take that beam from your eye!
write about something happy,
remove that awful frown;
a frown is nothing but a smile,
when it's turned upside down!
life brings you sorrow,
this we truly know;
stand and dust those cob webs,
sometimes you must let go!
the world's not always ugly,
take a look around you;
script a poem about nature,
perhaps a haiku will do!
read the morning obituaries,
do you see your name?;
at least you're among the living,
stop crying and finish the game!
Copyright © Milton Toran | Year Posted 2010
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Milton Toran Poem
I'm so doggone ugly,
I look like a faded roach;
If I were a pile of roadkill,
The buzzards wouldn't approach!
Oh sweet mirror on the wall,
Why stab me in the back?
You tell me that I'm beautiful,
Then fall to the floor and crack!
I went to a local photographer,
Here's something you won't believe,
He took one look at this ugly mug,
And paid me just to leave!
I can't go to the chicken coop,
To gather a single egg;
Those hens won't let me enter,
Unless I grovel and beg!
I never committed a crime,
Though my picture's on the wall;
Ugliness is a criminal act,
It's certainly against the law!
A cop pulled me over,
I asked what I did wrong;
He took one look at this sourpuss,
And said..."Nuthin', please go home!"
When I walk by flower beds,
The petals begin to wilt;
Every time I play pinball,
The game automatically tilts!
I married an ugly woman,
Someone uglier than me;
We bought ourselves an ugly dog,
Now we're as happy as can be!
Copyright © Milton Toran | Year Posted 2012
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Milton Toran Poem
Poor old Mr. Perry,
Became a lowly pawn;
His ugly neighbor's dog,
Kept poopin' on his lawn
Big ol' piles of logs,
Standing inches high;
An odor so vile and funky,
You'd swear you're gonna die!
Retrieving the morning paper,
Would make him gag and yield;
Dodging mounds of doo,
Was like a wicked mine field!
"Keep your dog off my lawn"
The old man kindly begged;
The dog walked up and growled,
Then peed down Perry's leg!
That was the final straw!
It was time to sink the axe;
Perry hatched a wicked plot,
A box of chocolate Ex-Lax!!
Early one Friday morning,
Just at the break of dawn;
There appeared that ugly dog,
Ready to poop on his lawn
A big ol' bowl of grub,
Enough to swell a horse;
Perry smiled as he woofed it down,
Nature would take its course!
The mutt took his daily poop,
Went back from where he came;
The sands of time were calling,
His neighbor would go insane!
An hour or so had passed,
No one made a sound;
All of a sudden, there's cussing,
"Get out, you mangy hound!!"
The scheme worked as planned,
Crap sprayed the floors and walls;
His neighbor's house was a rotten mess,
Funk had decked the halls!
Old Perry was the victor,
At last, he found his peace;
That rotten dog kept off his lawn,
The poopin' finally ceased!
Copyright © Milton Toran | Year Posted 2008
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Milton Toran Poem
Have you heard of Charlie Kemp?
The man was dumber than a poorhouse pimp
He stuck his foot in a lion's cage
Stupidity had to be the latest rage
Now see him walk with a limp!
Copyright © Milton Toran | Year Posted 2012
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