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Best Poems Written by Robbie Mcclellan

Below are the all-time best Robbie Mcclellan poems as chosen by PoetrySoup members

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Knocked Out By a Coffee Pot

I decided to clean the kitchen counter today but almost got knocked out after hitting myself in the head with the coffee maker. It was stuck to the counter from some spilled coffee and after pulling gently a few times I finally gave it one big yank and it let loose. Now I’m seeing stars and have 'Mr. Coffee' spelled backwards on my forehead ???? #EEFFOCRM

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Day of Death Embarrassment and Condiments

To say today has been a strange day would be an understatement. It started off this morning when I went into the den where our eldest cat, Paint, was meowing up a storm. I petted her head a few times and no joke she keeled over and died right then and there. We were kinda expecting it but damn what a way to start the day.
A few hours later I had an appointment to inspect a truck for a family and nobody speaks English except the kindergartener. I pull up to their house and this yard is a mess. Trash everywhere. I see the truck I needed to inspect parked in the yard and the cutest looking little sleeping puppy curled up next to the front tire and yep you guessed it...I go straight to ’selfie with an unsuspecting dog mode’. Here I am kneeling down trynna get the best angle for the perfect selfie and reach out to pet the pooch and this dog is cold and stiff as a rock. Just then the entire family (Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents 2nd and 3rd cousins) pours out of the front door and here I am hovered over their dog trying to explain to a bunch of people who don’t speak a lick of English that their dog is dead. Stupid me is pointing at the dog while pretending to slit my throat...the international sign for your dog is dead ????? The Mexican father reached down and pokes the dog then starts jabbering something about El Diablo and giving me the stank eye. The grandmother breaks out her rosary beads and begins saying the Lord’s Prayer and finally the English speaking preschooler comes toddling out and interprets for me....I didn’t kill your dog! I just want to get the hell out of there so I begin taking photos of the truck. Here comes the funny part. I accidentally step on either a tarter sauce or ranch dressing condiment container and produced what sounded like explosive diarrhea and spewed white looking pelican all over everybody’s pants and shoes. The toddler giggles and I just grin and keep on keepin on. Fast forward to the end of the day I’m digging a hole to bury my cat ‘paint’ and out of the ten acres we own I pick the exact same spot I buried another cat-dog-chicken or chupacabra a decade earlier and there’s bones and ribs everywhere. Anywho I feel like I need a shot of tequila or twelve.

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Skin Tag Fiasco

So I found a small skin tag on my inner thigh a few weeks ago and me being the YouTube king ‘Do it yourself-er’ started researching on how to remove skin tags without going to a dermatologist. I came across this handy little gadget that painlessly removes skin tags, moles, warts, freckles and tattoos. Two days later thanks to Amazon prime shipping my package was delivered. Well I decided I needed to learn how to use this little miracle device and who better to be my first Guinea pig than Tasha. She has a small skin tag on her neck and after putting on a sales pitch that would make the Sham-Wow Guy jealous she agreed to the procedure. Now this thing has a zero to eight setting so I started kinda low at three. I steadied myself and touched the tip of the needle to her neck and she let out a scream that could be used in Hollywood horror movie soundtracks. I slowly backed away cause she gave me ‘the look’ and retreated to my bathroom to deal with this bothersome skin tag on my leg. So I sit on the bathroom counter with plenty of light to perform my first self surgery and set the device to (1) cause 3 didn’t agree with Tasha very well. I touched the tip of the needle to the skin tag and there was baaaarely a tingle felt. I upped the setting to 2 then 3. All I could think of was what a wuss! Now this device is pretty much a needle that shoots out an electrical arch and burns away anything it touches. I worked around the base of the skin tag cause that’s what I remember the old lady in the Youtube video saying. Setting # 3 really wasn’t getting it so I continuously turned up the juice until I was finally at the highest setting. It hurt some but hey I’m saving money by doing this myself and I don’t have to drop my pants in front of a dermatologist. After about ten minutes of burning the $#!t out of this little thing looking like some kind of crazed tig welder it was still hanging on for dear life. I decided to stop after the bathroom started smelling like Jeffrey Dahmer’s kitchen on BBQ night. I could have swore the old lady in the video said the skin tag will fall off after a few days. Well the next morning I dropped my shorts and looked down at my leg and discovered what I had done. Not only did I fail at removing the little fellow but I had obviously angered it. It was like I had a third nipple on my leg and not the size of my own God given nipple but rather the kind a lactating third trimester first time nursing mom would have. Never again will I attempt this!

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Dog Food Volcano

Over 50 bags of dog food to choose from at tha Tractor Supply and the one I pick up and throw in the buggy has a hole the size of Mt. Everest. I emptied that entire bag into the buggy and buried my shoes up to my ankles in chicken flavored Alpo. Was it the small 10 pound bag of food for MissFortune and other ankle biters? Noooooo. It was the freakin monstrosity 52 pound bag (now with 10% more free) made just for cousin Eddie on Christmas Vacation and could feed Cugo for three months. I panicked and quickly grabbed another nearby buggy then continued my shopping experience. I left a trail of dog food kibbles falling from my pants cuff throughout the store leading up to the checkout register. As I was leaving I could hear, cleanup on isle 5!

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Alfa Male Not Too Fast

So we took Bonnie the Border Collie to the vet yesterday for a wellness check and to update his shots. While there we discussed Bonnies dominance issues over Crusher the female Doberman, especially when he holds her to the ground by her throat. He explained it all came down to who’s alfa male and if his dog ever nipped at him he would immediately hold the dog down by its throat to assert his dominance as the alfa male. That made sense so I decided the next time I hear Bonnie beating up Crusher I was gonnna catch him in the act and show him who’s the alfa male around here....which happened to be at 4 AM this morning. I heard Crusher screaming so I jumped out of bed wearing only my boxers, slipped on my flip flops and put on my my LED headlamp then headed out the door. I grabbed my back brace along the way to avoid throwing my back out when I throat slam my beloved pooch to the ground. I ran outside and they’re still going at it in the doghouse. As soon as my foot touches the ground I stepped in one of Crushers behemoth turds which made me do a split like I was sliding into second base. I kept my composure and hobbled to the doghouse in my one flip flop and banged on the side of the dog house. They immediately stop fighting and out comes Bonnie holding his big blue toy ball. He looks so cute and excited to see me with his tail wagging thinking that I’m going to play fetch with him. I try to stay focused and keep thinking...Okay, I’m the alfa male. Now show him you’re the alfa male! I grab the ball he’s still holding and a five minute tug-of-war ensues with lots of slobbering and grunting mostly from me. After winning the ball battle I quickly grab Bonnie, push him on his side and hold him down while saying NO! BAD DOG! He’s squirming thinking it’s all a game so I upped the ante by growling (I read somewhere this works). Just then Crusher’s big daloofus ass comes galloping out of the dog house and decides to join in on the 4 AM 38 degree morning playtime Bonnie and I are having and proceeds to climb on my back but not before triggering the 10,000,000 candle power flood light which turns night into day. I’ll leave the rest to y’alls imagination. I’m just so tired and dirty right now and I have to get up for work in 30 minutes. Bonnie’s still the alfa male and out there right now chewing up my flip flop.

(On a sidenote my cousin suggested trying to use Ambien but Ambien makes me do weird things at night)

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Fast Flatulence

A conversation between me and my son a few years ago about the man who jumped out of the balloon from the stratosphere

I was trying to explain to the kids about Baumgartners jump from the balloon today and how he would be traveling faster than the speed of sound. Tyler asked what would happen if he farted? I said I guess he wouldn't hear it until his parachute deployed and his fart caught up with him. Then all the questions turned to weather he would smell the fart as it passed by and I completly lost control of the conversation when he started talking about fart parachutes.

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Pictures On the Wall

Gray haired man hobbling down the hall
Forty years of pictures hanging on the wall 
From diapers to kindergarten and their very first bike
That time at the beach when we flew our first kite
Boy Scouts & Girl Scouts, T-Ball & soccer 
Dressed up on Halloween as a little punk rocker
Camping trips & Disney World more than I can count
These were my best years without a doubt
Grammar school, high school, college then gone
Married your sweethearts & have your own little home
A timeline of treasures with family and friends 
It seems like yesterday when we first moved in
As I gaze over the memories of the ones I adore
A tiny little human comes crawling on the floor
Grandpa! I love you! The little child speaks
As the tears of joy flows down my wrinkled cheeks.

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Trampoline Troubles

I decided to have an Andy Griffith moment with Tyler and Violet last night and brought them outside to check out the once every century meteor shower. After nearly tripping down the stairs because I was blinded by Violets 220 volt 10,000 lumen light up ‘sparkly’ shoes I stepped in dog poo...barefooted while making our way to lay on the trampoline. Five minutes into our ‘bonding’ time I was abandoned outside by myself when Violet SWORE she saw a UFO. After both kids ran in screamin to mama about alien abduction I was finally enjoying the peace and quiet of the night when all of a sudden I heard a POP!....then another. All of a sudden it sounded like a gatlin gun going off and every spring broke loose from the trampolines fabric and I hit the ground like a sack of potatoes. My Tyson’s refugee/rescue chicken (Chickie-Wah-Wah #2) comes running out like a confused velociraptor and proceeds to peck my head. I think I may have fractured my ass bone and still have dog poo under my big toenail....didn't see a single meteor.

#TrampolineAndTailboneTroubles
#wantedToBuyTrampolineMat
#WeHadChickenForDinner

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Goofy Gringo

So I'm inspecting this truck at a kind Hispanic woman’s house mid July and the poor woman didn’t speak a lick of English. Me being me tries to make small talk with her and I start fanning my face trying to signal how hot it is today. I think she misunderstood me because she became really agitated and began smelling her clothes and checking the bottom of her shoes. I tried pointing towards the sun but she must have interpreted that as armpit body odor when I lifted my arm ?? No more small talk unless they speak English.

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Mental Mentstral Man

So I'm sure everybody's used the text to speech thingamajig on their phones by now. It comes in so handy for me because I'm always driving and having to get in touch with my appointments so all I have to do is hit a button and speak what I need the text to say. You can even say exclamation Point and it will give you a ! You can say question Mark and it will give you a ? You can say the word hashtag and it will give you a #. I texted my next appointment and said, I'm sorry it's taking so long. It's been one of those days. I'm on my way. But instead of texting I'm on my way with a period at the end it texted...I'm on my period. I didn't realize this until after I had left the appointment. I was wondering why they were looking at me in such a strange way and being so nice. I bet they were thinking.... that's the best cross dressing woman I've ever seen but I'd better not say anything cause I don't wanna piss her off while she's on her period. Now if you will excuse me I have to go powder my nose and change my pad.