Robbie Mcclellan | + Follow Poet |
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Alfa Male Not Too Fast

So we took Bonnie the Border Collie to the vet yesterday for a wellness check and to update his shots. While there we discussed Bonnies dominance issues over Crusher the female Doberman, especially when he holds her to the ground by her throat. He explained it all came down to who’s alfa male and if his dog ever nipped at him he would immediately hold the dog down by its throat to assert his dominance as the alfa male. That made sense so I decided the next time I hear Bonnie beating up Crusher I was gonnna catch him in the act and show him who’s the alfa male around here....which happened to be at 4 AM this morning. I heard Crusher screaming so I jumped out of bed wearing only my boxers, slipped on my flip flops and put on my my LED headlamp then headed out the door. I grabbed my back brace along the way to avoid throwing my back out when I throat slam my beloved pooch to the ground. I ran outside and they’re still going at it in the doghouse. As soon as my foot touches the ground I stepped in one of Crushers behemoth turds which made me do a split like I was sliding into second base. I kept my composure and hobbled to the doghouse in my one flip flop and banged on the side of the dog house. They immediately stop fighting and out comes Bonnie holding his big blue toy ball. He looks so cute and excited to see me with his tail wagging thinking that I’m going to play fetch with him. I try to stay focused and keep thinking...Okay, I’m the alfa male. Now show him you’re the alfa male! I grab the ball he’s still holding and a five minute tug-of-war ensues with lots of slobbering and grunting mostly from me. After winning the ball battle I quickly grab Bonnie, push him on his side and hold him down while saying NO! BAD DOG! He’s squirming thinking it’s all a game so I upped the ante by growling (I read somewhere this works). Just then Crusher’s big daloofus ass comes galloping out of the dog house and decides to join in on the 4 AM 38 degree morning playtime Bonnie and I are having and proceeds to climb on my back but not before triggering the 10,000,000 candle power flood light which turns night into day. I’ll leave the rest to y’alls imagination. I’m just so tired and dirty right now and I have to get up for work in 30 minutes. Bonnie’s still the alfa male and out there right now chewing up my flip flop.

(On a sidenote my cousin suggested trying to use Ambien but Ambien makes me do weird things at night)

Copyright © Robbie Mcclellan | Year Posted 2018

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