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Tristine Thomas Poem
A young girl who’s lost & wandering in the darkness cries out
“If there’s a God out there please save me!”
The darkness replied with silence
But she kept listening so intently to the nothingness around her,
Clenching and unclenching her disheveled, fragile little hands
That eventually she wasn’t able to decipher the sound of her own breathing
From the sound of the wind rustling the leaves on the trees around her.
Her mind was torturing her with traumatizing flashbacks
That she had pushed so deep into her brain hoping she would
Never have to relive those feelings again.
She could also feel the poking and prodding of every worry she’s ever had
Resurface and commence fire on her soul.
All she could think about was how lost, afraid, and miserable
She had become and wondered why it happened to her.
She’s tried fighting so hard to regain her hope,
And take control over her thoughts,
But one girl can only fight for so long after she’s endured what feels like
Years of trying to escape from quick sand
And never being able to get out.
She had become mentally and emotionally exhausted
After fighting in the most difficult battle of her life.
She had been bullied to the point where she would be forever damaged, and was
Constantly being criticized for how and why she took every step in her life,
Beat by her previous boyfriend
Multiple accounts of being a victim of sexual assault,
And lost her father.
When she was younger she was always smiling
And doing goofy stunts and talking in odd voices
Just to hear people laugh.
She loved making others comfortable around her
And feel safe expressing themselves to her.
She was always trying to understand the reasons behind people’s actions
Because she just knew
That if she could even slightly comprehend a person’s thought process
Then she could help them.
She could do her to best to relate to them.
She could save them.
A young girl that was once nothing but sunshine and happiness
Is now a young woman that feels there is no meaning in life
And that she will never be good enough.
The pain of her experiences has ripped her reality in half
And shattered all of her plans, hopes, and dreams into
Nothing but little fragments of the girl she used to be.
Eventually her body started showing signs of neglect
An arm full of raw and bloody slashes that are carved into her skin
That she hid because she was afraid of being ridiculed
For her different way of coping.
She only removed the long sleeves,
The stack of bracelets,
And the layers of bandages from her arms
When she craved the cold sting of
A blade slicing through her skin that gave
The release she’d grown addicted to.
She still tried as hard as she could to find something to rekindle her hope
And maybe resuscitate her spirit to get back on her feet
But her body started changing so quickly she became unrecognizable to
Even her closet friends within a matter of weeks.
She looked like she had been through hell and back,
Trying to survive and trying to find help in a place that ignores
Her attempts at getting the help she knew she needed
While the world told her she was at fault;
She put it all on herself so she doesn’t deserve empathy
And it was a phase she was going through she’d get over in a week
And she hurts herself for attention
so she’s an attention ****
She’s a ****
A Skank
****
Emo
Freak
Psycho
Idiot
Worthless
Insane
Weird
She was reminded daily of all the things suddenly became
The second people knew of her vulnerability.
Her eyes were not sunken in and her hair thinner than before,
The saturation in her skin was receding more with each day,
And her bones were poking out from under her skin like a deformity
Or like her paper thin skin might rip any time she moved.
When she would look into a mirror and stare at her own reflection
All she could ever do was pick out her every flaw
And obsess over what she needed to change
In order for her to feel good about herself.
She hated herself and her appearance so much
She would get physically ill and her mind would
Attain, capture, and distribute thoughts throughout her conscious
Of how repulsive she believed herself to be.
She only felt relief from the thoughts obscuring her to think rationally
When she would isolate herself and proceed to damage her youthful body.
While kneeling over a toilet and forcing herself to vomit,
She tells herself to imagine the vomit as her feelings being expelled
From her body and aiding to numb the pain her heart was drowning in.
A young girl who’s lost and wandering in the darkness pleaded one last time
“If there’s a God out there please save me!”
She sat in the dark planning her final words
When something in the black emptiness reached for her.
She felt soul push it’s way out of her rib cage
Fleeing from her lifeless, cold body
And let herself be taken away in the arms
Of the God she knew had heard her all along.
-t.j.t.
Copyright © Tristine Thomas | Year Posted 2015
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Tristine Thomas Poem
He has the biggest heart.
He enjoys doing things for other people
Just because it’s the right thing to do, and
Knowing he made someone happy makes him happy too.
He’ll do whatever he can to satisfy
Everyone around him.
But what about himself?
He always says the right things at the right time.
He’s the first to console an upset friend
And take care of anyone who is in need.
Why doesn’t he take care of himself?
He’s the friendliest guy ever.
Everywhere we go there’s always someone
He waves to, or stops to have a conversation with.
Making friends for him comes so naturally,
It’s as if he was genetically wired to be so sociable.
The friendships he has made are valued to him
Like they are his very own gems to treasure.
But why doesn’t he value himself?
He can make anyone laugh with ease.
Anyone that has ever been in his presence
Can testify that not being amused, entertained,
Or laughing until your stomach hurts
Is never a problem.
His humor is addictive in the sense
That if it were a drug, just a taste of it
Would drive you insane.
How can he not see how much we love that about him?
He’s extremely motivated.
Always striving to get done what he needs to get done,
He lines up the necessary steps to reach his goal.
When he wants something bad enough
He will go out and fight as much as he can until
He is successful.
Does he know how much he is capable of doing in the world?
He’s like a protector to anyone he becomes close with.
Never have I felt the stomach-twisting pain
That fear tends to trigger when he’s around.
He’ll make sure that if anyone ever
Disrespects, hurts, or humiliates
The people that are close to his heart,
They will not get away with it.
Why can’t he protect himself the way he does to others?
He is the best liar I know.
He has a way of tricking anyone
Into believing even the craziest of stories
And they won’t have the slightest idea
That he is lying.
How can he not see that his lies are pushing us away from him?
He can be extremely manipulative.
His words can blind you and
He can convince you so flawlessly
Of whatever he wants.
Why doesn’t he realize he’s hurting everyone around him?
He has a drug addiction.
He craves the thrill and rush
Of anything that will alter his current
State of mind.
Saying no has never been simple for him;
It’s like his mind goes blank
And the only thing he can think about
Is how he can satisfy the urge to use.
Does he even realize what he’s done to himself?
He thinks he’s invincible.
Even after rehab attempts,
Multiple different occasions where jail time was needed,
Endless amounts of money spent on drugs,
Threats being made to him from gang members,
Numerous phone calls and text messages from people wanting their money from him,
And losing most of the people who have tried to help him over and over and over
He will not stop.
When will it stop?
He’s fully aware of how many people he is hurting.
He knows the affect his decisions have on others
And how his actions shatter the hearts of the people who love him most,
Causing them to put him in their past because they were sick of
Him hypnotizing them with words they wanted to hear instead
Or just telling them the truth.
He realizes how many people he’s lost and how deeply he’s scarred
Some of our hearts,
Leaving us no choice but to give up and move without him.
When will he realize that someday he could be doing this alone?
He relies on drugs to temporarily numb the urgency of his own problems.
It could be meth, heroine, or marijuana –
Or maybe morphine, ecstasy, or Adderall –
He’ll do them all and the consequences won’t falter his decision even slightly.
It’s a daily chore to fund his addiction
Along with mentally and emotionally distressing
Due to the constant worry of his health or
What he’s going to do while he’s under the influence.
Will he ever take control over his addiction?
He overdosed after an episode of binge drug use.
He was found unconscious and pale crumbled on the bedroom floor
With an empty bottle of pills to his left
And a syringe still supplying heroine dangling from his arm.
Why did he do this to himself?
He’s been in the hospital for days now.
The overdose has put him into a coma and
No one knows what will happen next.
Crowds of family and friends flow in and out of his room
Tucked away in the intensive care unit
Biting their nails, pacing the glossy floors,
Staring at his lifeless body, or crying until their
Minds grow restless and weak.
The doctors have no reassuring words to reduce our anxiety,
They only tell us to keep our heads held high
And pray for a miracle.
Did he even think this many people cared about him?
He’s been taken from us sooner than he should have been.
His eyes are closed and his body is finally still
And as I look down at him in his casket, trying to memorize
Every last detail of him I can into my brain,
I can’t help but wish that I were laying there with him.
Is this what he wanted to happen?
Maybe he finally realizes that his life could have been so much more.
We’re all gathering around him for the last time
Talking about the good times and the bad,
While tears stream down everyone’s faces and
The sickening feels of grief and sadness
Settle into our guts.
To lift our own spirits we lecture ourselves
That he is in a better place now that he isn’t
Battling his addiction, he isn’t in heaping piles of trouble.,
And he can finally be at peace with himself.
He never cared about the state of his own being
And his life has no slipped away
From all the people who were desperately trying to keep him alive.
Is he happy now?
-t.j.t.
Copyright © Tristine Thomas | Year Posted 2015
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Tristine Thomas Poem
Sometimes I feel so
Insignificant.
I have yet to understand why I’m here.
What’s my purpose?
Will I be forgotten easily when it’s time for me to go?
Or will I be remembered by many?
It’s difficult to pinpoint what makes me wonder.
Billions of human beings are experiencing the same thing;
Life.
But do they wonder too?
Feeling important or worthy in a world where society has preached to us
Since the day our eyes opened
That unless you complete expected educational requirements
To pursue a career you’ll work in for the remainder of your life;
A choice were pressured to make around the age of 18 years old
When we can’t even grasp the concept of what
‘the rest of our lives’
Really means.
To survive in reality:
You must be robbed of your youth before
The chance to enjoy being young is accessible,
You must work as often as you can,
No excuses
Because life doesn’t care how tired you are.
You must sacrifice your daughter’s 2nd birthday party since
Work is way too important to miss -
Especially to watch the family you created, carried, and suffered
Unexplainable amounts of pain to produce –
Grow up.
You must forget about the hobbies you have outside of work and
the goals you’ve been writing in a beat up blue notebook since age 10
that’s tucked under your mattress –
There won’t be time for those things.
You must drain your brain of what it once thrived on and
Give up the addiction of the sweet warmth of happiness
that pulses in your veins.
You must live your own life according to society
Otherwise
You are not significant.
A seed is placed in your head as a child containing
every single moral you’ll posses
all the traits that contribute to your personality
and the beliefs you’ll acquire about priorities in life
That slowly sprouts as you grow older into a pure human being
But can only do so when nurtured delicately.
Most do not reach full maturity meaning
Most people do not receive what the seed designated for them.
Unfortunately society is ruthless;
she attacks just as the seed produces a tiny sprout,
because she knows that by corrupting as early as possible
she’ll warp it’s fundamentals permanently -
ceasing any opportunity for a soul to be exactly what
was intended for it to be.
Society considers you microscopic until you surrender
yourself to be under her control.
Many have attempted to fight this disgusting plague –
This idiotic way of thinking,
This barbaric sense of how a human should be judged,
This horrific, gruesome, appalling method used to train humans
To be obedient as if they were dogs –
And have lost their battle
With nothing but more prominent feelings of
Insignificance.
Society can convince you that you are not good enough
Until you buy a certain product claiming to improve your looks,
Or earn a set amount of money a year,
Or own the most expensive car in your neighborhood,
Or participate in athletics throughout the school years,
Or wear high end brands of clothing, shoes, and accessories.
Rarely do we think for ourselves.
Rarely do we chase what would create happiness with ourselves
Instead of a society full of people we’ve never met.
Rarely do we listen to ourselves.
This is a war continuing to escalate
Contorting the minds of all who offer a listening ear
Or a burning sense of curiosity
To find out themselves if society has been
Telling the truth or not.
Lately we’ve become nothing what is expected of us.
-t.j.t.
Copyright © Tristine Thomas | Year Posted 2015
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Tristine Thomas Poem
If I ever begin to crumble or if I have somehow lost my way,
May my Father send me his strength to make it through the day.
If I ever think about giving up or giving in,
May my Father remind me not to worry, but instead to always rely on him.
If I ever start to believe the harsh words of people or fall victim to their games,
May my Father call me silly and tell me to just forget their names.
If I ever wander too far off the path that leads to the person I’m supposed to be,
May my Father grab my hand and shake me for being so easily lost at sea.
If I ever need someone to comfort me or soothe the aching of my heart,
May my Father set fire to the sorrows that have tried numerous times to tear his daughter apart.
If I ever get too stubborn or refuse to step up to responsibility,
May my Father lend me his motivation for just a day so I can learn from his nobility.
If there’s ever a day that I don’t give thanks or have become too greedy,
May my Father alter my thoughts to get rid of the idea that it’s okay to be so needy.
If somehow I forget the power of a Father’s love or need a reminder that I’m not alone,
May my Father send me comfort from the clouds while he rests upon his heavenly throne.
-t.j.t.
Copyright © Tristine Thomas | Year Posted 2015
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Tristine Thomas Poem
Not only an attention seeker and a pathological liar, but unfaithful too,
Don’t ever believe a man that claims he’ll never do a thing to hurt you.
The words may sound sincere but darling haven’t you been told
That listening to a man who can say exactly what you want to hear
Is not what love is at all but rather a horror story he’s about to unfold.
Listen all you want, but know that words aren’t sincere
Until he proves to you how special you are by treating you like gold
And never igniting the flame of what you shouldn’t have to fear.
Anyone can say ‘I love you’ then leave you disheveled and in tears
Without even regretting the way he they treated you
Or changing in future years.
-t.j.t.
Copyright © Tristine Thomas | Year Posted 2015
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Tristine Thomas Poem
The feeling of comfort
Is one of the most incredible and humbling
Emotions that has ever flooded through my veins
And caressed every nerve in my body.
Having all of your troubles be lessened
And the ache of your troubled heart soothed
By opening your mind and expelling your sorrows
To someone who saw through your contented façade
Is beauty defined so simply.
When that same someone reaches for you
And heaves your shattered soul onto their shoulders
Then proceeds to coddle you, cooing consoling words into your ear
While rubbing methodic circles on your back,
The relief of your problems draining from your body
Causes you’re entire being to go limp,
Finally giving the body no longer resembling you
A chance to rest.
Once the pores covering your skin start to work again
A wave of serenity will settle inside -
And just like that,
Your world becomes more bearable.
Incredible had an empty definition to me.
I assumed I knew as much as I needed to about the word,
But the day I watched an angel resurrect grotesque remains of a girl
Who was left to rot after collapsing on her bathroom floor because
She could no longer attain strength within her muscles to get up again;
Despair ate the flesh off of her bones,
then left her to suffer
Her death alone.
Lullaby-like words carrying the warmth of an angel’s breath
Were spoken into her skin,
the warmth hovering above to insulate her body.
I watched the pigment creep back to the surface of her skin
And her body appear fleshy again.
The angel pulled her into a firm embrace
And refused to release the girl until she was saved.
I watched as the girl, seemingly lifeless, took life into her lungs
Until her chest rose and fell normally.
Eventually the girl filled out her skeleton that used to drown her.
Still in the arms of the angel, she rubbed the darkness out of her eyes
So she could see the one who saved her more clearly.
When she tipped her head far enough to get her hero in sight
She began to cry hysterically;
An angel did not bring her back.
An ordinary human being,
Her father,
heard her cries of agony
putting him in agony as well.
The determination to hold his daughter’s head
Above water until the storm passed
Brought her back to him,
His little girl was cradled in his arms
Sobbing and weak
Reminding him of the first time he held her
On the day she was born.
That’s the magic of comfort.
It’s universal – everyone understands it.
It may be expressed in different manners,
But the same inner peace is found in everyone
Who’s been blessed with a person that somehow
Puts their worries to rest.
It’s easy to comfort others when
You, yourself,
Has been in the nurturing hands of someone
That has had their turn as the battered soul;
Lost and incapable of thinking anything positive
Due to hopelessness clouding their mind.
Emotions don’t have different languages.
If you understand even a small portion of what someone is feeling
Comfort them.
Help them regain their esteem,
replenish their brain with hope,
and a newborn sense of compassion that all humans
are able to project, receive, and recognize.
Do not ever abandon the hopeless in the dark
For they may never return to the light.
-t.j.t.
Copyright © Tristine Thomas | Year Posted 2015
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Tristine Thomas Poem
Welcome to my mind
it's easy to get lost in here
everything is such a mess -
a whirlpool of who I think
I am and who I think
I'm not and even
who I think I want to be.
It's a struggle to make
sense of it all
and if often gets lonesome
trying to piece together this puzzle
alone.
As you can see,
I am not myself.
How can one be them self
when they don't even know
who that is? Who they are?
It's a crisis, I know.
I thought I had become
lost
but it was even worse;
Stranded.
Maybe it doesn't matter though
since I'll fade away one day
and so will this writing
but until then I thought it would
help me untangle, unweave,
unwravel -
what exactly? Myself? My thoughts?
I'm not quite sure.
I never imaged
a person could be drowning in pain and
misery and sorrow and scream
at the top of their lungs for such
a long period of time without a single soul
listening.
I just want you to know -
Yes I want this paper to know -
that I am forever grateful
for the words you let me
express without judgement.
I see no other way of
my life ending but
by my own timing.
It could be now
It could be in the future
Sometimes I wish I was
transparent.
-t.j.t.
Copyright © Tristine Thomas | Year Posted 2015
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Tristine Thomas Poem
"Independence.”
In dependence,
You rely on another’s
Hand to help you up
Instead of just
Using your own feet.
-t.j.t.
Copyright © Tristine Thomas | Year Posted 2015
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Tristine Thomas Poem
Red river, red river
Runs thinner, runs thinner
Scrapes and scratches
Lead to silence
As your heart
Collapses
Black coffin, black coffin
Soothe, Soften, Soothe, Soften
When nobody listens,
The gray grave glistens
Copyright © Tristine Thomas | Year Posted 2015
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Tristine Thomas Poem
This fake smile is wearing away,
These happy feelings are beginning to stray
“Stay strong,” is all I’ve been told,
But it’s just not that simple after I lost someone
I rarely got to hold.
This heart of mine is giving way and
Too many emotions are being held at bay;
Please, come back Dad, there’s so many things that
I never got to say.
Thoughts of you constantly drip into my mind
And everyone’s telling me to move on, like it’s easy
To leave your Daddy behind!
It breaks my heart knowing I’ll never hear
“I love you Tristy” be spoken by you again
I can’t accept reality, please Dad,
This can’t be the end
Copyright © Tristine Thomas | Year Posted 2015
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