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Jillian Conway Poem
The taste of a warm, clear liquid runs through my throat.
The bitter taste of love, feelings and emotions all in one clear bottle of venom.
How did it end to this, how did i end up doing this?
The taste gets bitter and bitter just like the flavor of you.
The fiery burn is hotter than hell itself, but i continue going on.
With every drink is another memory to forget, with every drop is another story to be forgotten.
The numbness of feeling no pain gets stronger and stronger, Every action, every word ever spoken completely disappear with just another drop.
I soon forget but that doesn’t make me stop, why?
Shouldn’t the void clear up now? shouldn’t the emptiness fill up with the venom, filling me up?
Shouldn’t the dark turn to a grey color and shouldn’t i be satisfied with the warm, fuzzy feeling of forgetting?
No, because how could you forget the emptiness, how could you forget those words, how can you turn an addiction to nothing more than a piece of forgotten string.
How can you turn love into hate, and how can you turn me into a person?
With the month of addiction, the month of trial and error how did i end up being hurt the most?
How did i end up turning into someone i’m not, how did i turn to the venom for forgiveness and hope.
5 years old, 8 years old, 10 years, 11 years old I swore to myself i wouldn’t.
I swore the poison would never go into my body, and become my only resort to the paradise called hope.
I swore i would never let substance control me.
But the ashy taste of cigarettes and the burn of venom became my best friend.
They became the only thing that let me forget, and let me feel something more than an endless void, a dark hole in my heart and vibrant colors in my mind.
They became the only thing to look forward to in the day, the only thing i wanted.
It became very clear to me that the venom i depended on was the poison you left me with.
The only thing i had left was the taste of the warm, clear liquid showing me hope..
Copyright © Jillian Conway | Year Posted 2014
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Jillian Conway Poem
Don’t call me beautiful til you have seen my scars and flaws,
Don’t call me beautiful until i tell you my fears and dreams,
Don’t tell me you want to see my body, tell me you want to see my heart.
Compliment me on my intelligence, on my beautifully heart-breaking poetry, on my wonderous weird thoughts.
Don’t tell me you love my looks, don’t tell me you love how my eyes shine in the light or how my breasts could be used in different ways.
Don’t tell me i’m perfect, because what the hell is perfection?
Don’t call me beautiful until you’ve seen every inch of my precious, undiscovered, hidden land.
Don’t tell me i’m amazing til you’ve heard me cry myself to sleep at night, til you’ve seen me smoke just to feel alive, til you’ve seen inside my own mind.
Don’t tell me i’m strong until you’ve seen me fight off demons just to save other people, until i’ve fought my own demons, because baby the battle has just begun.
Don’t tell me to think differently, tell me my thoughts are just lying to me.
Don’t call my beautiful until we’ve lied awake together in the silent night, until i kiss you out of no where, until i tell you i’ve fallen in love with you.
Don’t call me beautiful when you only want to use my body, when you only want to get satisfaction of pleasure from me.
Don’t tell me you love me, unless you can imagine the rest of your life with me, the rest of eternity.
Don’t tell me you can’t live without me, i don’t appreciate liars.
Don’t tell me you want me then ignore me,
Don’t tell me i’m beautiful because odds are i won’t believe you.
Copyright © Jillian Conway | Year Posted 2014
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Jillian Conway Poem
The first time i picked up a cigarette I told you and you fought me
because you said they were wrong,
After that i steered clear of them afraid of what would happen if i touched
them again, afraid of what rage you would put over me.
You were right though they were wrong, but you were worse,
You took over many lands that i owned and stripped me clean of freedom,
you tried taking the one good thing i had that made me feel innocent,
you held me down and took the covering off my body and whispered “trust
me”,
I stopped you before you went too far and you looked through me angrily,
angry that i didn’t let you, angry that you didn’t get what you wanted.
You tried over and over to get it,
and i fought every time to never let you get it,
You put me through mental hell and physical pain and hate,
after the constant rage and abuse i finally tried leaving,
you grabbed my wrists staring through me with pits from hell for eyes, and
you followed me home.
You stalked me and made me hate myself even more,
you blamed me for your mistakes, for everything you did
you left demons under my skin,
i can’t look in a mirror anymore without seeing “worthless” written on my
forehead.
The demons live in my head now and they’re never leaving,
they are stuck there, drowning me from the inside out.
I smoke cigarettes and drink a lot now too,
hoping if you ever came back you would not come near me since cigarettes are
wrong.
Copyright © Jillian Conway | Year Posted 2014
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Jillian Conway Poem
Why am i sad?
Why am i sad when i should be happy, when the sky is full and the sun is shining and the birds are singing, why am i sad?
Why am i afraid when the sun goes down and the sky fills up with darkness and it feels like i’m suffocating and choking on my own words and silent screams of help.
Why am i sad when i have the person of my dreams right next to me, telling me they love me, telling me they want to be my world,
Why am i drowning in tears, afraid of my fears coming to life, being choked by every little demon that has burrowed a nest in my head.
Why am i sad when it should be the best day of my life, when i’m moving on with the people i need right next to me.
Why am i so sad that the voices are telling me to swallow more pills and things are telling me to open up the veins under my skin, letting the stench of death fill the room as i fall to sleep.
Why am i sad when life is perfect and everything is going right for once, why am i sad?
You see, sadness is an emotion,
an emotion that fills you up and puts you to the point you sometimes want to give up the fight,
an emotion that takes away your light and your breath so you only see the darkness,
so you only hear the voices calling to you to just jump, to just cut, to just swallow the rest of the sleeping pills.
an emotion that makes someone count 5 reasons to stay but 10 reasons to leave,
because sadness is a bully,
a bully that never gives up the fight, that doesn’t give up til you give up and you’re laying 6 feet under.
Sadness is a monster that is out for revenge, to taste the sweet blood, to feel the coldness still of your body.
Sadness is my worst enemy, but also my best friend.
Copyright © Jillian Conway | Year Posted 2014
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Jillian Conway Poem
You said “i wish people would stop loving me”
baby, I could try if you wanted me to, but that would be damned near impossible,
Maybe it was when we first met,
or when we became closer, I fell in love with you,
with you i discovered who i was, who i want to be, and how i was in love with you.
Maybe it was your beautiful eyes shining in the sun, opening up another secret you,
maybe it was your safety and warmth, being protective over me as you took me up underneath your wing, whispering “baby i got you”
maybe it was when we first started talking, I opened myself up to you,
because i knew you were my one.
I might not be your one, but i have this feeling you are my one and only, forever and always, the please don’t go and stay with me.
Maybe it was the time i snuck you in just to cuddle, i wanted to whisper so badly “baby, please don’t go, i love you”
Maybe it was all those things i could’ve done to make life easier for you,
But never did because you are my forever and i didn’t wanna lose that.
Maybe it was me actually speaking out, but taking it too far with “I’ve fallen in love with you.”
Maybe it is in the way you carry yourself, determination on your face, being strong til no one sees you, maybe it’s in the late night conversations about how we feel,
Maybe it’s in your smile, the way you smile makes your face light up, and makes me want to see that when i wake up each morning.
Maybe it’s in your kisses, the soft, warm, passionate ones where we just stand there hugging for minutes because neither one of us wants to let go.
Maybe it’s the way you take over my mind, around every corner, between shelfs, you’re just there telling me stuff, reminding me that i love you, that i want you, that i need you.
Maybe it’s in our first kiss, you kissed me out of nowhere by a body of water, you told me you’ve thought about that for awhile, after that i think our love is water.
Whatever it is, command me to not love you and i’ll try forgetting all the reasons,
I'll end up killing myself trying to kill the reasons to love you,
baby i love you and i don’t know if i want to stop but i do know I can't stop.
Copyright © Jillian Conway | Year Posted 2014
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Jillian Conway Poem
I remember when I was little
We had a pool the color of the ocean,
We even had the grainy, tan sand.
It felt like a beach, you know a weird beach where you’d have to climb a ladder to get in and out of the ocean.
I remember on warm days I’d go outside and play in the sand.
I’d pretend it was quick sand and act like I was getting eaten up slowly, going further and further into the sandy depths.
I remember going out there just to stick my feet and cover it up with sand imagining I was really at a beach.
The wind flowing through my hair
The sound of the currents splashing the side
The sound of birds and the smell of salt water going through my head
I remember feeling safe there, safe in my own mind on my imaginary beach.
The funny thing was I have never been on a beach, I still haven’t
But I imagined my own beach, I imagined my own little world
I remember when I was little I didn’t have to worry what people thought
I didn’t have to deal with the hateful comments and the events of the cruel world,
I didn’t have to save myself from drowning in the pools in my head,
I didn’t have to explain why my body was covered in battle scars, I never even knew what battle scars were
I didn’t have to fight off the demons in order to sleep at night,
I just had to imagine a Beach on a warm day,
I just had to imagine my own little world
But now imagining a beach on a warm day, with my hair flowing in the wind with the smell of salt and the sound of birds around me,
Or imagining I’m being eaten by quicksand going further and further down, doesn’t work anymore
But god I wish it did work because life would be easier if I could imagine being on a beach in my own imaginary world.
Copyright © Jillian Conway | Year Posted 2014
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Jillian Conway Poem
It’s hard to breathe when I know I’m not myself anymore,
To know what you did, you brought me to my knees
with burning tears stinging down my face,
and the agony of rage bursting in my chest.
it’s hard to sleep when I am haunted everyday by a nightmare,
It can’t be repressed,
and It can’t be spoken of,
For it is the definition of hell.
It’s hard to live knowing I can’t change anything that happened,
where my body wasn’t my own and where no never applied to you,
the sight of your blue eyes and shaved head makes me cringe,
the sound of your voice saying “it’ll be fine” makes me mask my body with more of a blanket than ever before
do my silent screams and muffled “no’s” haunt you?
you told me you wanted to die afterwards,
but how can you turn everything to you?
how can you feel so bad when your privacy wasn’t invaded and your temple didn’t get torn down and left to ash.
It’s hard to tell what happened that warm, sunny day,
where outside the birds were singing and the trees were swaying,
but inside that room the storm was brewing.
You became a tornado, destroying everything in your path,
your 100 mile-per hour winds smelt like the strong dank you smoked and the cologne you wore.
my world and my life destroyed in the wreck,
My thoughts and my mind slipped while My innocence and confidence were stolen away from me,
I am completely broken with my pieces scattered about, unable to repair the wreckage you made, tell me, How does it feel shattering my life?
Copyright © Jillian Conway | Year Posted 2016
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Jillian Conway Poem
Medicated with the sweet and calming taste of sleep,
Drugged with just a half a pill, that shuts your brain off, slowly and slowly,
Just as each department closes for the night another feeling creeps towards the surface,
Thoughts and feelings that wished they could’ve came out and played while you were wide awake
Haunt you, open your mind wide while all the responsibles went to bed,
with many “You should’ve, You could’ve, why didn’t you’s” echoed through the empty rooms,
Telling you to just do it, but when they have to disappear for the morning they hide,
leaving you clueless and all alone.
It’s easier to just be medicated and drugged,
All of the voices come out to play, and you’re not stuck clueless,
all the should’ve, could’ve, why didn’t you’s, turn into you did.
Copyright © Jillian Conway | Year Posted 2014
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Jillian Conway Poem
The first time you kissed me it was by a body of water,
The sun was shining so bright it was blinding, just like your kiss,
I never seen it coming, it was like a car crash in a blind side,
Before then, i didn’t imagine being more than best friends,
i didn’t imagine that kiss or my life with you,
But now, i want our love to be like that body of water,
i want it to be Deep and everlasting,
where people stop and stare to see the beauty in the colors of the water,
I want to be wrapped up in your waves, drowning in your love.
I want to be how the fish are to water, living there because that’s the only way
they could survive.
I want my lungs to fill up with you making it so i can’t breathe because isn’t that
what love is?
I want to be able to float even when i’m almost sinking,
I want to look at you, and see my reflection on who i want to be, and where i want
to be,
You can be a piece of art every time i see you, filled with words and emotions, but
also full of life.
You are like the water, warm and embracing if you allow it,
I want our love to be full of colors and life, carrying the reflection of others, but
also carrying the waves of joy and passion.
I want our love to be like an ocean, that we will remember forever.
Copyright © Jillian Conway | Year Posted 2014
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Jillian Conway Poem
1.I laid face down in a pillow, in hopes I would suffocate and stop breathing, and the sadness would just disappear.
2.I stayed up all night, maybe if i was sleep deprived the lack of sleep would turn me crazy and the crazy would run out sadness.
3.I smoked cigarettes, one after another believing the burn would somehow burn the sadness away.
4.I turned to anger believing hitting and calling names would satisfy the sadness monster.
5.I drank, drink after drink until i got sick, maybe the liquor would take the sadness away.
6.I self harmed, slicing my skin hoping i could cut the sadness out.
7.I ran away thinking I could run away from the sadness.
8.I faced death, Pills and blades. I faced it knowing if i died it all would go away.
9.I took showers, maybe the heat and steam would trigger another emotion, anything is better than sadness.
10.I depended on happy people, maybe sadness would want a new victim instead of one who is completely damaged.
11.I was silent, maybe if i kept to myself sadness wouldn’t get the attention.
12.I put all the pain i could upon myself, it was better to feel pain than being sad all the time.
13.I drowned myself in music, but in the end it left me feeling worse.
14.I put a pen in my hand and tried to turn the sadness into happy words. But it ended up being the same, damn, thing, over and over again.
15.I tried disguising myself and changing who i was, but that never helps the eternal pain.
16.I tried being happy, but happiness doesn’t come around very much. Sadness will always be there. I’ve learned you cannot kill sadness, But i still try in hopes that one day maybe I could.
Copyright © Jillian Conway | Year Posted 2014
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