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David Kidd Poem
Mum said "birds of a feather flock together"
so I searched for a man who liked similar weather
until Dad stressed "opposites attract"
and I tried to determine just what I lacked
"Small packages", Mum said, "held the best things"
so I looked for a humble guy with diamond rings
until Dad said I should find a real go-getter
because it's a fact "the bigger the better"
When I fancied a guy from amongst the herds
Mum said "action speaks louder than words"
but Dad said this advice should be ignored
because "the pen is mightier than the sword"
Mum believed men should be kept closely entwined
because of the saying "out of sight out of mind"
Dad urged I give them space and make them ponder
because "absence makes the heart grow fonder"
I worried how I'd react to being charmed
Mum emphasized "forewarned is forearmed"
The male perspective gave my ego a hit –
Dad said "cross that bridge if you come to it"
When I found love the saying Mum liked to push
was "one in the hand's worth two in the bush"
Dad said "there's always time to be the faithful wife"
and persuaded me "variety was the spice of life"
I struggled at courting and was getting old
but "you're never too old to learn" I was told
However my confidence was hit for a six
when Dad said "you can't teach an old dog new tricks"
"If first you don't succeed try, try again"
this was Mum's attitude toward courting men
Dad's radically differed of course –
he told me not to "flog a dead horse"
My parent's advice couldn't have been sounder
for I found a genuine all rounder
but I hope he can live with the reality
I now have a split personality.
From David's unpublished book entitled 'Poems for Wedding Receptions & Poems Definitely NOT for Wedding Receptions
Copyright © David Kidd | Year Posted 2023
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David Kidd Poem
There was a day set aside for the wedding
but the groom was very much dreading
it would be the same day
his grand final would play
and that’s where it looked it was heading
Alas his worst fears came true
So what was he s’posed to do?
Change the date
he’d marry his mate
or send a substitute to say “I do”?
Of course, that could be done covertly
The team had done it before with Curtley
but if the bride found out
she’d give him a clout
and the next month he’d spend inertly
So I hope we have the real groom today –
shame on his mates for staying away
but he stayed away too
when best man for Stew
and the ladies can still throw the bouquet
The bride is also very fond of her sport
loving a good tussle on field and on court
It’s clear and plain
she knows Glen’s pain
and she’s the kind and compassionate sort
This wedding’s been the perfect storm
The bride’s team’s in awesome form
Today’s their final too
So what’s Jane s'posed to do?
Miss it, or follow the wedding norm?
I’m sorry the groom’s grumpy and pre-occupied
but the final’s on now and he’s not in the side
but Jane empathizes
with his sacrifices
having hired a substitute bride!
Copyright © David Kidd | Year Posted 2023
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David Kidd Poem
It is common knowledge to those who have shared rooms with the groom and those who have only shared houses with him, he snores
and no matter what one tries to do to stop him, or to dampen the sound, his snoring stubbornly soars
After having tried everything from clothes pegs to sound-proof walls
after drowning out his hog-like snorts with the seventh symphony of nature's bird calls
I finally arrived at a solution that could only be dreamt up by someone on the edge of insanity
How often, I thought, do annoying sounds top the musical charts of humanity?
If record scratching, Sesame Street's Grover
squealing guitars and da da das over and over
are able to be the musical hits of the night
then why couldn't the sounds of snoring become a delight?
A chart topping snoring song would send a message to the ear-battered wives of the world their sensory perceptions have erred
that snoring is not to be complained about, but rather preferred
Wives should be proud of their man's popular melody
They should listen intently for talent and balladry
It should lull them to sleep as the lulling of their feral felines that have purred
or as the evergreen 'Rock-a-by’ or Hush Little Baby Don't Say A Word’
If, however, the bride can't obtain this perception of snoring
I'd instead recommend she perceive it as boring
for it would be highly inconsistent of her to fall asleep while her husband is making advances toward her
but to stay awake during his monotonous snoring, which to the same extent hadn't bored her.
Copyright © David Kidd | Year Posted 2023
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David Kidd Poem
Without a doubt my second happiest day
was when I 'fairly' caught the wedding bouquet
I used a sneaky play, but I'd waited so long
that desperate ploys could no longer be wrong
The story of my life was failed campaigns
despite training hard and using my brains
Not wanting any strains I'd leave nothing to chance
Tom Cruise in tights couldn't have got me to dance
I'd limber up and always picture success
and study the opposition like pieces of chess
but I'd be a mess when beaten each time
and worry about getting past my prime
At my first ‘bouquet’, experience and height
were the two factors that carried the night
but I was all right - I was young at thirteen
and the loss made me more hungry and mean
The next attempt brought pain and humiliation –
sweet success was dashed by disqualification
I had no invitation, but there are no rules
At least it seems that way, the way the blood spills
My confidence ebbed to an all-time low
but I soon bounced back like a seasoned pro
I again caught the boq, but thought they were jesting
when they said I'd failed the steroid testing
It was very hard my three year suspension
My come-back efforts I hardly need mention
I felt the tension and had sweaty palms
and resorted to using adhesive balms
It wasn't until the day I donned the gloves
I was confident above the push and shoves
but flying's for doves, certainly not for me
because I became prone to injury
Thirty nine years old against youngsters with flair
I was going to win whether foul or fair
People would stare and say I was finished
but at least my guile hadn't diminished
Just winning was no longer enough
I was so weary as the sport was so rough
When sure I wouldn’t **** my next opportunity
I had to secure my financial security
I gave the bookies all of my cash
and bet it all on my last dash
The bride was Steroid Sash - my closest friend
As she raised the bouquet, I squealed, "hard far end"
I caught it and won the appeal
It was adjudged a legitimate squeal
The feeling was unreal and anticipation high
Now all I needed was to meet a nice guy.
That's another story!
(See Chapter 2, Courting Woes)
From David’s book Poems for Wedding Receptions & Poems Definitely NOT for Wedding Receptions! with over 30 poems
Copyright © David Kidd | Year Posted 2026
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David Kidd Poem
So single guys, how do you find a bride?
Let me tell you the ways Tim tried
He searched far and wide, high and low
not leaving it to fate or going with the flow
Blind dates, dating agents and partners instant
neighbors, family friends and cousins distant
and cousins not so distant when desperation set in -
he even had plans to abduct an alien
He received much advice from relatives and friends -
"you've got to keep up with modern trends
Spend big on shoes, have a Net presence too
stay cool and relaxed, and just be you
Bad personal hygiene is the biggest turnoff
always cover your mouth when you're about to cough
Don't scoff at feminism, be politically correct and
don't take the first girl whose path you intersect
Join clubs and a religious congregation
when on a bus, strike up a conversation
Be a master of persuasion - don't accept 'no'!
girls only want to see to what lengths you'll go
See a psychologist and have dancing lessons
wink at the girls in the delicatessens
Learn impressions, get an exercise mat
and if all else fails, buy yourself a cat"
Enough, enough he did all of the above
yet did not find his one true love
He almost gave up, but wouldn't be denied
he still had one thing – money, on his side
So he found a foreign bride for his lair
an exotic girl with long black hair
his love for her will never be extinguished -
It'll grow stronger once she learns English.
Copyright © David Kidd | Year Posted 2026
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David Kidd Poem
Ladies, is your man wayward
when he has his vertical tinkle
and is the toilet seat down?
And isn't it time someone stood up
and spoke up against standing up
because of this problem's renown?
The toilet seat dilemma — up or down — which should it be
and can a marriage survive if two can't agree?
I've thought long and hard about this
being careful to think things through
both from his and her point of view
realizing he likes to stand two out of every three times
and only on the third will he take his pew
She likes to sit on every occasion
and needs the base of the seat down on the loo
Factoring in how women use the toilet on average six times more a day than men*
which is approximately nine times a day
it soon became clear the seat would need to be up only two out of nine times
assuming a man's aim was astray
If it wasn't astray then the seat could always be down
but alas, we all know how men like to clown
Of course a man's aim might be improved and the aperture widened lessening the woman's need of cleaning up after him
but the risk will always remain of her failing to see his yellow mark left on the rim
Pondering deeply one day in the very room of contention
I exclaimed 'Eureka!'
and not because anyone reeked
but because of discovering the answer I had seeked
Men are naturally lazy, so why do they stand?
Why don't they sit and be sure where they land?
*don’t they always seem to be in the bathroom?
### from David’s book Poems for Wedding Receptions & Poems Definitely NOT for Wedding Receptions!
Copyright © David Kidd | Year Posted 2026
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David Kidd Poem
I don't want to be starting any family wars
but hands up if you love your in-laws (long pause)
Be warned, yours could be around for 60 years
and be ten times worse than your worst fears
So I hope Groom you took care with selection
of those who'll do constant vivisection
and dissection of your most intimate habits
and who'll want you to get as busy as rabbits
Choosing your in-laws is more important than the bride
so I hope with the following rules you did abide
I'd go and hide if you've broken just one
You'll need a new alias and money to run
There are warning signals not to ignore
like them wanting keys to your back door
or the in-law who's a diabolical snare
offering you hand-me-down underwear
The underwear's been in the family for generations
It's been through trials and constipations
Good family relations will not stand a rejection
so run away now, or risk an infection
And watch out if when you court her
the girl always quotes what they've taught her
She's their daughter and you have no claim –
next they'll insist you take their family name
If your mother-in-law always overcooks
she's trying to destroy your wife's good looks
She doesn't want your hooks on her daughter so fair
so she'll make her unattractive with chocolate éclair
From what the groom's told me there's cause for concern
Every time he sees them they're strangely taciturn
It's when they're taciturn you've got to get away
because it's more important what they don't say
He said her Dad only grunts if he greets him at all
and talking to him is like talking to a brick wall
He's heading for a fall, like a sick matador
It's more serious than the keys to the back-a-door
It's not the folios they push on superannuation
or their career change 'recommendation'
It's not their consternation at his mountains of sin
Cor blimey it's worse, they want to move in!
Copyright © David Kidd | Year Posted 2026
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