The Sound of Snoring

It is common knowledge to those who have shared rooms with the groom and those who have only shared houses with him, he snores and no matter what one tries to do to stop him, or to dampen the sound, his snoring stubbornly soars After having tried everything from clothes pegs to sound-proof walls after drowning out his hog-like snorts with the seventh symphony of nature's bird calls I finally arrived at a solution that could only be dreamt up by someone on the edge of insanity How often, I thought, do annoying sounds top the musical charts of humanity? If record scratching, Sesame Street's Grover squealing guitars and da da das over and over are able to be the musical hits of the night then why couldn't the sounds of snoring become a delight? A chart topping snoring song would send a message to the ear-battered wives of the world their sensory perceptions have erred that snoring is not to be complained about, but rather preferred Wives should be proud of their man's popular melody They should listen intently for talent and balladry It should lull them to sleep as the lulling of their feral felines that have purred or as the evergreen 'Rock-a-by’ or Hush Little Baby Don't Say A Word’ If, however, the bride can't obtain this perception of snoring I'd instead recommend she perceive it as boring for it would be highly inconsistent of her to fall asleep while her husband is making advances toward her but to stay awake during his monotonous snoring, which to the same extent hadn't bored her.