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Jacinda Staver Poem
Learning to Love Myself
Slowly, very slowly, am I coming to terms with how I look
My double-chinned face, my flabby arms, my stomach.
I think to myself that these are things I shouldn’t be allowed to have
because I have been told all my life that I was ugly
and that being a bigger person was wrong.
I am just now starting to come out of my comfort zone
To look at myself in a mirror without feeling disgusted
Or feeling like I am not good enough
because others have told me my entire life that I wasn’t.
I am beginning to love every inch, every curve, every flab
every crease, every roll, every nook and cranny of my skin.
That’s right…MY SKIN, not yours, or yours, or his, or hers
But MINE!
This is MY skin, MY body, MY story, it is not for you to tell
and it most certainly is not for you to judge.
You can either choose to look at it, or not look at it
either way, I don’t care because I’ve spent too much time
worrying about what others think of me.
When I should be worrying about what I think of myself,
and I AM beautiful, and I AM worthy, and I AM enough.
No longer will I be haunted by the ringing echoes of
“You’re too fat to be pretty.” “Being fat means being ugly.” Or “No one
will ever love a fat chick like you.”
I may still be working on learning to love myself
but I am proud of how far I’ve come since I was a teenager.
For the first time the other day, I let myself be vulnerable
I posted a full-bodied picture of myself on the internet,
freshly out of the shower I had come,
towel on top of my wet mopped head, and wearing just a pair of leggings
and a bra to cover my boobs. And much to my surprise…
instead of being greeted with rude comments or nasty messages
I was greeted with warmth, care, appreciation, and love for my stomach
My face, my whole body…and the feeling was spectacular.
If other people can see and appreciate the beauty of my body
then I should be able to as well.
Though it is but slow, my confidence is growing
and not just because of the support and love received
from my wonderful friends but also because of my wonderful husband.
He has shown me time and time again how beautiful
he finds me and yet every time I doubt him.
But I will not allow it anymore, I am DONE letting people
tell me how I should feel or look about MY own body.
So, if I’m going to learn to love myself,
It needs to be done MY way.
Copyright © Jacinda Staver | Year Posted 2023
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Jacinda Staver Poem
Mom
So many words to say, so many things unspoken
where were you when all I needed was your love
and devotion?
To protect me from all the evil and darkness in this world
But instead, you decided to sacrifice your own little girl…
To be your husband’s play toy, to be touched inappropriately
yet whenever I told you, you didn’t want to flee.
Instead, you joined in and then it became three…
I was a child, what was I supposed to do?
I had no one to tell, because that person was supposed to be
YOU! You were the person I was supposed to tell those things to
whenever someone made fun of me, or took advantage of my body.
Instead, you decided that your husband was more important,
that you literally tainted our relationship
And you made it become potent!
How? What? And why?
Do you know what you did to me
made me want to die....
The torture of having to live with you every single day
but having no other choice because
I had no one to pay my way
Of getting out of that hellhole…
How is it that I can still think about someone I HATE so ing much?
I can’t stand you for everything you did, and for every time
You touched….me. You’re an evil horrible
human being, and you didn’t deserve to be loved.
But yet you were adored and loved by our whole family
except for those who truly know what you and Keat did to me.
You see Mom, your job as a mother was to
care for me, nurture me, love me
not abuse me, molest me, and let your husband have his way with me.
But even after ALL the f-ed up stuff you did,
strangely enough, you still raised a pretty awesome kid.
Yes, ME…that’s right, it is me.
Because the difference between you and I mother
Is this……….
You only cared what was in a man's pants, whereas I actually
care for, cherish, nurture, and love my children
with ALL of my heart.
Because if I EVER found out that someone did
to my kids, what you and your crappy husband did to me
They’d be buried 12 feet underground with a hole in their head.
But thank God, oh thank God, you’re already dead.
So now I will never have to worry about
my children growing up with you around,
because all you ever did was bring
everyone and everything down.
The only one true thing I could ever thank you for
is for giving me life, so I can raise my kids
to be better than both you and I.
Good Riddance and Goodbye.
Copyright © Jacinda Staver | Year Posted 2023
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Jacinda Staver Poem
Uncaged
Uncage these feelings, thoughts, and emotions
man oh man, if I did that it would cause quite a commotion.
Every single shred of evil, darkness, and horror would slip
quickly out of me, dying to get away,
wanting to tear anyone or anything down that
dare get in its way.
I try, and I try, and I try to keep all of this at bay
but if I keep trying, I’m afraid I’ll start to fray.
I’ll start to lose control of the person I am now
and become this thing I will no longer be able to recognize,
and no longer will I be surprised
If I am succumb to this darkness and become my own demise.
To be able to uncage ANY part of myself
means to make others sit and wait in fear
wondering if I’ll ever recover from this
while they’re drowning in their own tears.
Uncage me? “No thank you”, I say with a smirk
because if I did, I would definitely go berserk.
You have no idea what uncaging myself means
because this little explanation is only what can be seen.
There is so much more to me know you’ll ever know,
So, these feelings, emotions, and darkness just continue to grow
Festering, pulsing, oozing, trying to shout
but I will never let them give way, I will keep them in
while the rest of me slowly withers away and I rot from the inside out.
Copyright © Jacinda Staver | Year Posted 2023
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Jacinda Staver Poem
As the rain pounds against the glass-stained windowpane,
all I can think inside my head is, what from life can I truly gain?
What is my purpose on this earth? I honestly do not know,
will I always feel so hopeless and helpless everywhere I go?
Will I ever find the one thing, that will give my life any meaning?
Or continue to trudge along and wait for someone to come intervening?
Wandering, roaming, voyaging along,
The only thing that keeps me going, is humming to this song....
that's stuck inside my mind.
As I picture myself inside my head, walking along this lonely road ahead
I look around for anything, for anyone, some sort of sign
But yet there is nothing around me, not even a ray of sunshine.
All that surrounds me is clouds, and darkness
And the sound of the silence, cutting through with it's sharpness
The buzzing of the quiet is quite deafening indeed,
When will someone come save me, when I am truly in need?
Or will I forever be stuck in this darkness for all eternity?
The ground starts shaking, quaking and breaking,
I try to run as quickly as I can, every muscle in my body aching.
I run and run what feels like forever, trying to outrun the ground
from falling underneath me, and trying to suck me underground.
I am panting heavily now as I continue to run
trying to make it somewhere, so this nightmare will be over and done.
Suddenly, quickly, the clouds part from up above,
and down come a pair of hands and swoop me up with a shove
and I fell right back into the palm of their hands and said
"Where are you taking me? "Thank you, I thought I was dead."
The hands shook me violently and a voice in the distance said
"Hey, hey come on now...it's time to wake up sleepyhead."
I rubbed away the sleepy sand from my eyes, and looked up to see
My friend looking down at me, laughed and said "You were daydreaming and you fell into a deep sleep."
I cried and laughed and took a huge sigh of relief,
when I woke up to find that it was only just a dream.
Copyright © Jacinda Staver | Year Posted 2023
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