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Lydia Seeley Poem
Solivagant
By: Lydia Seeley
Sometimes I start to explore the new things in life
But to only see that life is just a lie
There are always people stabbing you in the back with a sharp knife
I’m then alone no matter how hard I try
When I’m alone I have nowhere to go
No one to call a true friend
When I pass my friends in the halls there’s never a hello
But we always know; When there’s a hello there’s goodbye in the end.
But when will it ever end?
Constant pain running through my head
When I go to smile it’s always pretend
All I want is the flashbacks to just shred
I feel no one is there
No one that truly cares
All of my feelings start to tear
Hello? Is anyone there?
Did I ever truly have anyone?
Was there anyone who truly loved me?
No, I don’t have a person, not even one
I have no one that watches over me
All I have is a few friends
Who says, everything’s okay she does love you
I’m trying not to give in and bend
No matter what she puts me through I love her too.
It’s not fair
She gets to do all of this,
Split the family into pairs,
Cause everyone to be unbliss
Would she ever feel the same pain?
Would it ever hurt her as it did to me?
Can we just go back in time again?
To when everything wasn’t debris
It’s funny how everyone else is blamed,
Except for the one who is guilty
With her reasons unexplained
Her gaslighting pity
What did I do?
I was such a good daughter
I did what I was supposed to
“Mom please for me, it’s your daughter”
I just don’t understand
You say you love me
But you and I both know where I stand,
Behind the alcohol first in line
The truth is, I understand why you’d pick the alcohol
It never disappoints you,
It doesn’t go past your protocol
It’s always there for you
I’m not the best daughter but I know for sure
The little girl begging for her mother
To truly love and care for her,
Would love her more than the lousy drink would ever
What am I doing wrong?
I mean am I really that hard to love?
To where my own mother abandons me for so long
It doesn’t make any sense on where I’ve gone wrong
All the nights dad wasn’t there
The same nights I’d sit on my bed
Getting hit with my skin so bare
I’m so glad it came to an end
It may be over,
But my mind plays it
Over and over,
Until I can no longer take it
The many nights I lost my voice
The same nights I cried until I couldn’t breathe
I had to make the choice
To get out of this seethe
I made a sacrifice
Even if I feel
As if the whole world turns into strife
The eleven year old girl not believing its real
The whole family saying I tore us apart
Or I’m so selfish for my actions
But I had to listen to my heart
Not realizing the compactions
Of how much this caused me
The distractions at school
Sometimes crying to where its too blurry to see
Feeling so cruel
Mom, I let you get to me
Are you proud?
I’ll never be free
The thoughts eating my brain are so loud
You’d think after losing everything
Getting better is the solution
To my mom, it meant nothing
It’s just a non revolving evolution
Maybe one day my mom will see
The point of view that she doesn’t recall
Maybe One day we could be
A happy ending after all
To: Mom
This is my way of expressing my feelings and how I feel towards the alcoholic version of you, The sober you is the best mom I could ever have and I’m sorry we can’t always have that relationship but addiction takes its toughest fighters and I’ll always love you even after all the things you’ve done.
Authors Note:
This poem I have written has taken me over 2 years to complete even though it doesn’t have a lot written all of these words are so special and literal to me and I hope some of you that have gone through something similar can know you are not alone no matter what and never take life for granted no matter how hard it gets even when there are times when you no longer want to live I promise it's worth it to push through just like I did. You can get help just never be scared.
Copyright © Lydia Seeley | Year Posted 2022
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Lydia Seeley Poem
Dad
Our blood doesn't relate
But our hearts do
For me, do you have any hate
For leaving too
Do you ever miss
What we once had
Does it have to be like this?
Does it make you feel bad?
Will you please call
I miss you
Am I the problem after all?
Was it not the right thing to do?
Are we not family?
Like we once were
I must face reality
That you are no longer my father
Is that what you want?
Will it make you happy?
Im tired of you being nonchalant
Do you even see im unhappy?
When people ask how many kids you have
Do you include me into your answer
Or have we split in to halves?
If so, I pray you'll reanswer
Im trying so hard
To have what I thought
Was my dad as my guard
Without you leaving for me to rot
You filled all the roles
11 years you were with us
Tied with mine and moms souls
You left with so much to discuss
You took my sister
Away from everyone
June 13th, is the last I've seen her
I miss her more than the sun
Do you remember?
You took me to my first dance
The father daughter
When I first gave you a chance
The first time I called you dad
Watching your reaction
The face you had
Lit up with a surprised reaction
Is all of that just gone?
Everything we used to do
Especially fishing at dawn
Im writing too much, is this my cue?
Yes, I know the damage done
But why does this mean
The family has to be gone
I thought I was helping, not making a scene
Im sorry, I really am
Can I still call you dad?
Or does that make you leave and scram
I get it, but you were the only dad I had
You sent me a text
You want to get together
Is getting together frequently next?
We were making progress, hopefully for forever
My smile when you asked to see me
I felt our connection re click
How pathetic I must be
To let my hopes rush back so quick
Will you bail once again?
Then I must lie and say its okay
When really all I feel is pain
Will it always be this way?
You always let me down
But I never stop loving
The father that never let me drown
In the pool, and in natural living
No matter the times where you ignore me
My heart will always love you
Along with the family that will always be
What was once not split in two
Our memories will forever
Be ingrained in my heart
The times spent together
That will never tear me apart
I love you dad
Well, my temporary impact...
You gave me life I never thought I could have
I hope sometime again, we will interact
Copyright © Lydia Seeley | Year Posted 2023
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