Solivigant

Solivagant By: Lydia Seeley Sometimes I start to explore the new things in life But to only see that life is just a lie There are always people stabbing you in the back with a sharp knife I’m then alone no matter how hard I try When I’m alone I have nowhere to go No one to call a true friend When I pass my friends in the halls there’s never a hello But we always know; When there’s a hello there’s goodbye in the end. But when will it ever end? Constant pain running through my head When I go to smile it’s always pretend All I want is the flashbacks to just shred I feel no one is there No one that truly cares All of my feelings start to tear Hello? Is anyone there? Did I ever truly have anyone? Was there anyone who truly loved me? No, I don’t have a person, not even one I have no one that watches over me All I have is a few friends Who says, everything’s okay she does love you I’m trying not to give in and bend No matter what she puts me through I love her too. It’s not fair She gets to do all of this, Split the family into pairs, Cause everyone to be unbliss Would she ever feel the same pain? Would it ever hurt her as it did to me? Can we just go back in time again? To when everything wasn’t debris It’s funny how everyone else is blamed, Except for the one who is guilty With her reasons unexplained Her gaslighting pity What did I do? I was such a good daughter I did what I was supposed to “Mom please for me, it’s your daughter” I just don’t understand You say you love me But you and I both know where I stand, Behind the alcohol first in line The truth is, I understand why you’d pick the alcohol It never disappoints you, It doesn’t go past your protocol It’s always there for you I’m not the best daughter but I know for sure The little girl begging for her mother To truly love and care for her, Would love her more than the lousy drink would ever What am I doing wrong? I mean am I really that hard to love? To where my own mother abandons me for so long It doesn’t make any sense on where I’ve gone wrong All the nights dad wasn’t there The same nights I’d sit on my bed Getting hit with my skin so bare I’m so glad it came to an end It may be over, But my mind plays it Over and over, Until I can no longer take it The many nights I lost my voice The same nights I cried until I couldn’t breathe I had to make the choice To get out of this seethe I made a sacrifice Even if I feel As if the whole world turns into strife The eleven year old girl not believing its real The whole family saying I tore us apart Or I’m so selfish for my actions But I had to listen to my heart Not realizing the compactions Of how much this caused me The distractions at school Sometimes crying to where its too blurry to see Feeling so cruel Mom, I let you get to me Are you proud? I’ll never be free The thoughts eating my brain are so loud You’d think after losing everything Getting better is the solution To my mom, it meant nothing It’s just a non revolving evolution Maybe one day my mom will see The point of view that she doesn’t recall Maybe One day we could be A happy ending after all To: Mom This is my way of expressing my feelings and how I feel towards the alcoholic version of you, The sober you is the best mom I could ever have and I’m sorry we can’t always have that relationship but addiction takes its toughest fighters and I’ll always love you even after all the things you’ve done. Authors Note: This poem I have written has taken me over 2 years to complete even though it doesn’t have a lot written all of these words are so special and literal to me and I hope some of you that have gone through something similar can know you are not alone no matter what and never take life for granted no matter how hard it gets even when there are times when you no longer want to live I promise it's worth it to push through just like I did. You can get help just never be scared.