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Nicole Resom Poem
I woke up from a dreamless sleep
My vision came through fuzzy and confusing
A cold, sharp ringing painfully pierced my ears
And irritated every sense
The familiar numbness stung my brain
And caused a slow, panic educing chill down my spine
Rising up from my bed was a challenge
My head hung low as I rose from my bed
And walked, or floated, to the bathroom
I avoided the big mirror that hung on the wall
And climbed into the shower
As I turned the knob
The shower became a torture chamber
The water was glass, cutting into my skin
Every drop sent a freezing cold shiver down my spine
Though the water was lukewarm
I panicked, my breathing getting faster and faster
I barely washed an inch of skin before
Shutting off the shower in a rush
While climbing out,
My eyes copied the mirror and fogged
Following an instinct, I wiped the mirror clean
Of its white steamy sheen
And caught an unpleasant sight
My face... that’s my face?
It couldn’t be
Staring back at me was a rough skinned
Jagged looking face
With a red, curling mouth
And slanty eyes
The eyes were big, black, sucking;
I made a face, frowned, forced an uncomfortable smile
They copied every move
I started to grow hot
The toxic, creeping anxiety that I knew too well
Rolled up and down my body
Who was this stranger that stared back at me
In the glass?
Why did I not know her?
Because I still knew that she was me, but-
It’s just too strange, I hated it
The hot touch of the pain
Crinkled my brain
But I managed to pull my eyes
Away from the mirror and continue in the numb
Drying off was rough and uncomfortable, but bearable
I stumbled out of the bathroom, and to the kitchen
My roommate met me at the kitchen table
At least, I think it was my room mate
Her face looked different; distorted
I could barely hear or understand what she was saying
She smiled so brightly, and gave me a big hug
She vomited words that came in blobs and slurs
I smiled back at her, because I could tell she was gleeful
She was just so happy, and I wanted to be happy with her
She reached behind her back and pulled out a card
I could focus on the bright colors of the card which was good
Her face became brighter as I turned the bright cover
Inside were big, red, blurry letters that I had to shove my face into
I, for some reason, could barely read or understand them
“Hapfy Birdday?”
I thought my birthday was in June, isn’t it August?
She gave me a tighter hug, said something I didn’t hear
Copyright © Nicole Resom | Year Posted 2019
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Nicole Resom Poem
And left without realizing I understood nothing
I shrugged it off with a lump in my throat
I tripped and stumbled over to the countertop
And paused
An inkling of a memory grew in head
Like a new seedling pushing through the dirt
What happened to me?
I couldn’t have just been born
With this dreadful numbness
I can never remember a single thing
Memories were never clear
Only strange senses were there
Flashing, flashing light
It was too loud; everything was too loud
Crashing, and banging
Big, yellow adorned men
Could barely save me
I think?
I felt so close to this memory
Yet it was so distant
Darn, darn, darn, darn!
I was so close!
I couldn’t stand the feeling of
What could have been a breakthrough
That would explain why I was so broken
I made to the sink and
Poured a glass of water
The water didn’t look like glass this time
It was cool, slipping down my throat
But soon later my mouth felt like it was filled with sand
The lump in my back pocket buzzed
I pulled out my phone and the brightness of the screen
Stung my eyes
I quickly read the message on the screen and turned it off
It was from someone...someone named Axel
I recall the name and a blurry picture of their face
But I can’t really remember who he truly is
I ask my roommate, but all I can make out is that
He has brown hair and that he loves me
But I can’t remember, which is so very strange
All the memories of him are fuzzy and uncertain
I floated back to my bedroom to think
Everything was so confusing
Every memory was only a vague, dreamlike impression
All I wanted was to make myself feel grounded
But I just did not know how to do that
I fell asleep again
At least within my slumber I could pretend
My dreamlike symptoms were because of my dreams
Within my head as I slept,
In a way a screening of a movie played
Crashing, banging, stinging, ringing
Blood, so much blood
I couldn’t take the feelings
I couldn’t reach the full movie
Because every second was in blurry sepia
Then everything went dark.
My flat was buzzing with noise when I woke again
Loud, slurred music filled the space
Between the ever-growing chatter
My head felt heavy
As the strange, yet familiar dream
Swam through my thoughts; Confusing
When I turned my doorknob
All noise ceased
I shivered and opened the door
People sprang at me!
With a wobbly looking cake, bright lights
I yelled, but I grinned, because
A big, loud man picked me up and twirled me
Copyright © Nicole Resom | Year Posted 2019
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Nicole Resom Poem
He had brown hair and the most passionate eyes
Is this Axel?
I’m sure it is!
I laughed although I was still in shock
It was like a twisted merry go round
Blurry and confusing and nauseating
I smiled at him, he smiled at me
As everything I had consumed that day
Volcanoed out of me and slide down his sides
I gasped and my eyes went white
Everyone was so happy to see me
That they saw it as a victory
When the man left
Shamefully to wash up.
I walked about, nodding and trying
To converse with the crowd of people that were
Body slamming and downing buckets of gin.
The noise was loud and annoying
But I couldn’t bring myself to quiet it
With all the lights, my vison flashed light and dark
I became delusional with all the buzzing people
Drinking shot after shot of vodka and wine
Showing skin and drinking more
And body slamming and drinking more
And playing games and drinking more
And becoming more numb and drinking more
And... I looked back
Looked back at a time where life was vivid
When it was clear and made sense
And I could memorize every detail
I loved it
I feel blind; I feel like someone’s taken something away from me
I’m not getting the full picture of life any longer
Everything is numb
The only thing I can feel is my insides rolling and twisting
My vison goes in and out of focus
My whole-body rolls and twists
I stop in the midst of a tearful slurp of wine
And run to the bathroom
The rolling and turning continues
As my insides pour out
Like a vacuum, the numb, cold feeling
That had plagued me for the entire day had vanished
I jumped with joy, and ran out of the
Bathroom with tears in my eyes
Everyone in my flat was hugged and kissed that night
For once within the years of sadness I had dealt with
I had a glimpse of the gift of real life
I enjoyed the remainder of my night
With vivid colors, and beautiful faces.
I came right up to that man from before
He looked at me, disgusted until I ran
And hugged him
He looked at me, soggy shirt and all,
And giggled as we ran into the pit of the party
Fingers loosely intertwining
The lights were so pretty
And the joy finally reached
The deepest parts of my soul
I could finally breathe and really truly feel it
I woke up the next morning with the numbness
In my head again
I had fresh memories in my head from the night before
But that feeling had returned
Hadn’t I reached a breakthrough?
Copyright © Nicole Resom | Year Posted 2019
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Details |
Nicole Resom Poem
Hadn’t I come to an awaited end?
I knocked on my forehead
And let out a screech
And then a laugh
And then an uncontrollable sob
As I realized how long and tough
And sucking and cutting
And draining and horrible
And numb this life will be
But I laughed again
Because I think I’ve decided that
I’ll beat it.
Copyright © Nicole Resom | Year Posted 2019
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