I find myself reflecting on many things I have long forgotten,
including the invaluable wisdom imparted by my elders.
Yet the memories of the pain inflicted by others remain vivid
as I navigate the complexities of friendships and past betrayals.
I have also released numerous reassurances that were extended to me.
"You can trust me," they often proclaimed.
I try to overlook the fact that a large breadfruit serves as a meal
for my siblings and me, while our dog receives only a small portion.
My weary mind strives to preserve my memories.
the faces of familiar individuals gradually fade from my recollection.
The promises and falsehoods from our leaders linger lightly in my thoughts,
drifting like a feather in the breeze. I sneeze—particles of brain cells.
Today I chose to take it easy; I wish Metal AI could decipher this as well.
Please, spare yourself the effort of proving your love to me -
I promise it will never reach me,
though I wish with all my soul it could.
No matter how vast or profound your devotion,
I am a fortress that cannot be breached;
I am utterly incapable of receiving, believing, or feeling it.
I myself love so deeply - so agonizingly deeply -
and I ache to feel that same warmth returned.
But do not waste your breath on reassurances.
Do not try to convince me.
I am condemned to never, ever know it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Romans 13:8 “…Pay your debts as they come due. However, one debt you can never finish paying is the debt of love that you owe each other.
the mailbox, stuffed~
mortgage payments, car loans
with balances and deadlines
marked in red.
water, gas, and electric bills~
the hungry phantoms of
creature comforts
coldly due.
we chase the spectral zero balance,
dream of that stamped envelope
with the sweet release of
paid in full.
but the other statement
never arrives~
no perforated tear line,
no due date circled in red.
it’s a debt, unlisted, un-itemized,
it haunts no credit score,
demands no late fees~
a debt we’ll always carry.
this bill arrives not monthly
but daily~in every heartbeat,
every hunch that kindness calls
beyond oneself.
this debt, this sweet, persistent owing
is paid in tears dried on a loving sleeve,
with burdens carried, with forgiveness offered,
and in whispered reassurances.
this debt’s non-ending, compounds with kindness~
the interest paid daily—not in coin
but in soulful connection
and ego transcendence.
No because sometimes reassurances aren't enough, you know?
Sometimes it isn't enough to remind yourself that you are alive despite whatever atrocities you've ever faced.
Sometimes telling yourself that it'll eventually get better, just isn't enough anymore.
Because sometimes bleeding feels better on the inside and it's a safer bet to drown yourself in the ethanol and pike yourself on a wooden cross in the front yard.
Sometimes trying to think positively is the last line of defense between your breathing lungs and your beatless heart, and it's ok to bite your own arms.
Sometimes it's ok to rip chunks of flesh from your own thighs and wallow in self whatever-your-choice-of-mental-poison-is.
Sometimes dying alone is not a big deal, and then sometimes it's the only activity you could ever possibly do to keep yourself from commiting a psycho-schizophrenic fueled genocide, because one overzealous "preacherman" told you that you are unworthy of rest, that one time.
Because every once in a while you need to hang yourself with a silk rope from an overdramatic oak tree, and that's ok.
Because sometimes dramatics are good for the nervous system.
I knew it was over when I started waiting more,
Talking to me became to you just like a mundane chore.
I knew it was over when your texts got shortened,
Our fights became usual, and I kept feeling frightened.
I knew it was over when you found another choice,
How happily you told me about his compliments twice.
I knew it was over when you started getting distant,
I tried holding on the rope, but resistance was resistant.
I knew it was over when you began to disappear,
The moment I feared was suddenly near.
I knew it when reassurances fell flat at times,
Hollow words, redundant phrases, and overused rhymes.
I knew you were gone, even when you were very near,
Presence means nothing without love, without care.
I knew it was over when your eyes lost their spark,
The distance kept on growing, leaving its mark.
I knew it when with you, I felt so alone,
I had said you Goodbye long before you were gone.
Trusting isn’t easy,
For those who’ve been hurt before.
All it takes, is to fall,
Right back through that door.
Mistrust creeps back in,
like darkness in the night.
All your reassurances, won’t dissuade,
these thoughts and frights.
The only thing, that will ease my mind,
Is knowing you’re around.
But when you’re un-con-tact-able,
In these hazy thoughts I drown.
The fault was never yours,
It always has been mine.
Trust, I must,
But trust, I can’t,
Until the end of time.
Mom
In every memory I have of you,
I hear a smile in your voice.
Even as my soul weeps at its loss.
Still…
After twenty years,
I tremble at the loss of home.
I look over my shoulder
looking for the comfort of you.
I wait for the reassurance of your hope,
and I flounder in
the imbalance of this world.
I never got to live This with you.
The injustice rubs at edges of my reality
Leaving rage in the wake of tragedy.
How can I ever find a balance when my center is gone?
I keep listening to your smile
whispering reassurances and lullabies.
How love is an intangible thing not trapped by time, death, nor even memory.
Your love is weaved inside me,
it blankets me in your grace.
I swallowed an apricot seed when I was younger.
Everyone told me it was hard work to grow fruit trees
especially when winter marches south and tries
to pry all those tiny orange dots from stubborn
wooden hands. I kept it safe, though, tucked away
in the pit of my stomach where despair and embarrassment
lived. I fed it reassurances: I swallowed strawberry
sunsets and ate the pithy vernal blossoms of childhood.
I even drank the recommended 36 ozs of filtered water
every day. Years later now, its branches weave their way to my brain
alongside curious blue blood. Apricot juice seeps
into my veins and fills my body with sweet, yellow-orange
nectar. Fruit falls out of my mouth, staining snow white pages
in splotches of nostalgia each time I sit down to write.
In the darkness void light
Whispers of peace reassurances deem
Unyielding love unanswered
A fleeting beating heart conversing
Yet, it's clear there's no body that hears
No
Body
Cares
12/11/21
Written by James Edward Lee Sr © 2021
Good intentions gone unseen
Is it just coincidence
That all my intentions have gone unseen.
It doesn't matter what I do
There's always a distraction to intervene.
As it messes with the rule book
Exceeding Boundaries in its lifes pathways.
I can't remember a time of certain reassurances
That have helped me through dark days.
When will God call out to me
& answer me in prayer.
When will I be free from pains defeats
And be returned with the best of care.
I've dedicated all my lifetime
To helping others on their ways
So why must I be cruelly punished
And released the pressures of my dismay.
So now I'm contemplating
Which way in lifes path to turn.
But I'm restricted by my boundaries
As the wheels of fate decide to churn.
Be it which way I venture
My path will carefully be tread.
For fear of committing the same sins committed
From past experiences in life ive plead.
BY ANNA SABRINA TATE 24/10/2019
© 5 hours ago lifes • travels
You want to hear me say I’ll love you forever.
And yes, I well could say those very words to you:
For after all, they simply state the current truth.
But at the risk of seeming callous or uncouth
They’re also words one could easily misconstrue.
And whether couched in language simple or clever,
In timeworn expressions or phrases fresh and new,
All such words would ultimately be misleading—
For how can anyone pledge a love undying?
The future’s hidden—to deny that is lying.
And nothing lasts forever… still, since you’re needing
Reassurance, this much at least I’ll promise you:
You are the best-beloved of my heart today:
I can’t foresee I’ll ever feel another way.
November 14, 2019
NB: This is an "almost sonnet"-- but differs in line length (12 syllables instead of ten) and, instead of having three quatrains before the couplet, I have used two sestets with an ABCCBA DEFFED rhyme scheme. Also, the lines, while each of 12 syllables, do not really have any consistent metrical structure. By the bye, the word beloved here is meant to be pronounced adjectivally, that is, with three syllables: be-'LOV-ed.
Is it just coincidence
That all my intentions have gone unseen.
It doesn't matter what I do
There's always a distraction to intervene.
As it messes with the rule book
Exceeding Boundaries in its lifes pathways.
I can't remember a time of certain reassurances
That have helped me through dark days.
When will God call out to me
& answer me in prayer.
When will I be free from pains defeats
And be returned with the best of care.
I've dedicated all my lifetime
To helping others on their ways
So why must I be cruelly punished
And released the pressures of my dismay.
So now I'm contemplating
Which way in lifes path to turn.
But I'm restricted by my boundaries
As the wheels of fate decide to churn.
Be it which way I venture
My path will carefully be tread.
For fear of committing the same sins committed
From past experiences in life ive plead.
BY ANNA SABRINA TATE 24/10/2019
What do you need right now?
I feel like I would enjoy a long retreat
from human voices,
a free to reverse
get out of jail vacation
from inside voices,
especially my own.
Who would keep you entertained?
Who would you listen to
with affection,
passion,
curiosity,
interest,
engagement,
immersion,
amusement,
without hearing human voices,
including your own?
Maybe I would learn to speak in squirrel scold
and nutty chatter,
in buzzing bee,
whining predative mosquito searching,
warning rattler,
purring and hissing cat,
stoned silly river sibilant
sad satiated sensory sunset
moon rise advent of enlightening mystery
surf breathing ocean, inhaling and slow shushing out
demented and delighted dreamscapes,
hawk warnings
mourning dove reassurances
Earth's undisputing stillness
still partially well
Blessing ridiculous ravens
cawing out for each other,
"Here we brazenly are, together;"
never having heard of blackbird pie,
unthinkably naive,
unspeakable joy of togathering flight
without tomorrow's forbidding consequences,
breathing in remembered fight
to outward reimagined flight.
I sweat, my body wet full why am I so hot?
No fear
In hell, dancers moanings reeking anguish tears, why is it so hot?
Motivational motive positive reassurances, my choice too late now I rot;
Dapper Danny disturbances, whose looking good now, why is it so hot?
Lucifer laughs, another soul he implies;
Where is your salvation now?
Was your choice?
To choose this course, you refused the righteousness
you choose to refuse, even with your knee bowed
you even confess that Jesus is Lord, yet...
Where is your salvation now?
Was your choice?
my choice too late now I rot;
whose looking good now, why is it so hot?
eternal damnation
written by James Edward Lee Sr. ©2019
I heard bankshots last night,
sounded like vault robbery for sure
These startled eyes, which got rudely awakened,
saw some masked bandits
mute walking on a one beam teller ...
not cash registering one word
No safety deposit reassurances were heard,
only silent alarm
breached security measure blurbs
On the latest Bankers Holiday,
I heard some peppery sprayed hotshots
being airwave-pumped
in a high pitch, screaming tire getaway
Preying mantis scarlet quotation tread marks
on the glowing screen said:
"We only take more than you can pay ...
blood money always got a dead air say"
Children of famous crooked faces
were crouched decibel low on a zip lip line,
tightrope beam teller
Proselyte pantomime pupils
moving their mouths a lot, cat burglar quick
Using lip sync tools,
saying not a single word ...
Only giving a wily nod coyote wink
I heard not a word
uttered
No, not one truthful word
spoken
during this brazen, public heist
As every lullaby lamb
warm fleece slept
with their pockets open last night
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