The Panic Tide
The pulse begins its frantic drum,
A breathless rising of the tide,
As all the silent terrors come
To strip the peace away inside.
The palms grow wet, the cold sweat breaks,
The color floods a flushing face,
And every tethered muscle aches
Locked deep within this sudden space.
A jaw is clenched, a lip is torn,
The desperate teeth bite down on nails,
As from the throat a gasp is born,
Where every steady sentence fails.
The fingers curl to tight-bound fists,
The hands fling upward from the fright,
While trembling through the limbs persists,
And knees will jerk against the night.
The breath comes shallow, hard, and fast,
A heavy gagging stalls the air,
The body tenses to the last,
And screams aloud in its despair.
In reaching through the blinding storm,
The frantic fingers stretch to find
The safety of another form,
To anchor what is left behind.
Panic
Doesn’t compute
Calculates worry
Uncertain doubt
Courage not
Questionable aftermath
The worry continues to go on
Don’t know for how long?
Unable to figure the details out
Worry, worry and worry
Situation in the circumstance
Standing in the center of no chance
Notice in advance
Uncertain anticipation
Through the struggles feeling like a storm
Thinking don’t be alarmed
Panic mode
Middle of nowhere as the road continues
A hotel sign welcomes my urgent needs
Panic, chaos, as I search for a restroom sign
I burst though the door like a gun slinger in a saloon
Relief
In the wild maze of stalls and panic
I never checked my surroundings for supplies
The roll has gone from white to brown.
No more TP!
Next to me I can see feet.
I am frozen.
I do not make a sound
I feel like I am being hunted by embarrassment
I do not know who is next to me
I make assumptions of their life by the appearance of their shoes
Kind of scuffed and not well maintained
"Spare a square" I would never dare
I wait uncomfortably until they are gone
I shuffle to another stall and again I am whole.
Im convinced my chest hurts again
Heartbeat in the roof of my mouth, curled up in a ball in the center of my bed
On my ceiling are stars for me to count trying to ignore the tightening in my temples
Unclench, stop forcing your tounge against your palate
Breathe
The last word echoes through the silence
I repeat it 3 times
Breathe, breathe, breathe
I do it Until I imagined Ive pushed the panic out through my nose
This strange creature now sits on my pillow
Mocking me
He tells me that I forgot to turn on the sleeping music
The screams of the broken echoed forth
The pain of the wounded bellowed
We prayed for redemption
We prayed for silence
Firecrackers whirled in the distance
Ears ringing
Endless searching for hidden safety
Hearts beat in rhythmic panic
The world I once knew shattered in an instance
Listening to the sound of traffic in distance the little girl Hanna laid awake in her bed
She was very scared and could not sleep, thoughts running wild in her head
Hanna was laying motionless, her pain was so raw, her hurt so deep
She felt numb, totally alone and started to weep
She could never tell anyone what happened to her, no one was to know
Her small body was frozen with fear, she felt so dirty, so shamed and so low
What was she going to do she thought in panic, in terrifying fear
It is going to happen again and again, she can not make this horror disappear
Why do I feel so different than the rest of Society
How come I get so overwhelmed with this Anxiety
Everything’s in slow motion and I can’t hear a sound
My fear increases as my heart begins to pound
Close to hyperventilating with no end in sight
Living in a constant state of fight or flight
This happens all the time it’s becoming Problematic
Everyday I’m becoming increasingly symptomatic
Why do I always get so easily triggered
I’m guess it must be the way my brains configured
This is something I deal with every hour of every day
I need to find a solution. I need to find a way
A moment of dread
The world crushing inside my head
The mind throbbing
All thoughts locking
Eyes gone blurred
Speech slurred
Head spinning
Lights dimming
Sweat falling
Feel yourself dropping
Grab anything to steady
Palms sweaty
Heartbeat sky rockets
Tummy vomits
Hard to catch each breath
Hoping next is death
it's happening again
the pressure behind my ribs,
like something inside me is clawing for a way out
and my hands don't know where to go.
my brain keeps flashing red
like a warning sign no one else can see.
the room is quiet
my head is loud
and every thought is a shove.
I'm not trying to die
I'm just trying to feel something
that makes sense
for once.
i sit there trembling,
breathing too fast,
eyes burning,
wanting the pain to match the mess in my chest
because the mess feels bigger than me.
i see the red oozing out,
skin tingling weirdly,
every line screaming something
my voice doesn't dare to.
and I hate that I'm here again,
i hate that i don't know what else to do.
i hate that I'm scared
of myself
and for myself
at the same time.
Here we go again,
Give it another shot.
Let's get to know each other
Is she real or is she not?
Take the mask off,
Expose your true self,
But not all the way,
Wall off for mental health.
Here we go again,
Hoping it isn't fake.
Am I a fool, just a tool,
With pie thrown in my face?
She knows what she's doing,
But I have to figure it out.
It's my mind that she's screwing,
I just can't keep her out.
She seems so perfect,
Pure beauty the clout.
So worth it,
A gentle soul within, without.
Poor Wasp
Yesterday, after one o’clock, I travelled home
It was daytime. Lioness Line. From Harlesden
To Wembley Central. Saturday. Was short shift
Many people are on the overground. I'm just standing
Watching, panoramic window, flying landscape, city
Cityscape. Hmm. I love these moments. My life
Poor life. But I wouldn’t change my life for anyone
So rich. Insights. Emotions. Impressions. Matters
All of them mine. Hmm. Very special these moments
It’s good to be a free thinker. Amazing life. Independent
Hmm. Oh, I forgot something. The title. The poem title
Poor wasp tried to find the way. But it was a closed space
This wasp was desperately looking for a way out of the train
Oh, suffering being. Felt panic. 34.42 kilometers. Its distance
From Euston to Watford Junction. I hope this wasp arrived
Again
into the
hornet’s
nest
Dear wasp
My lifemate
I wish you
All the best
Just one thought.
Just one action or word.
Now spiraling down tragedy lane.
Stomach in knots, nausea burning the back of my throat.
Breathing turning shallow.
Body temperature too hot yet too cold all at the same time.
Who knew breathing could be so hard.
Focusing on the inhale filling my lungs.
Exhaling to expel the gut-wrenching feeling anxiety so kindly left behind.
Heart beating too rapid to keep count, striking a beat to its own drum.
Breath like hot acid with every forced inhale.
Mouth now too wet, tongue feels too big for where it used to fit.
Skin too hot, now slick with cold sweat.
Stomach dropping like you just fell three hundred feet on a roller coaster.
Brain in a frenzy letting the fight or flight set in.
Are we about to run for our lives?
Rational me is capable and whole
Irrational me has complete lack of control
Rational me is happy and relaxed
Irrational me panics and cracks
Rational me views life in a positive light
Irrational me battles crippling fear without hope in sight
Rational me makes the most of every day
Irrational me wants to sleep the day away
Rational me is clear...has clarity
Irrational me is afraid…engulfed by anxiety
Rational me sees beauty and light
Irrational me faces a darker plight
Rational me lives life on the right track
Irrational me suffers debilitating panic attacks
This entropy, it's endless.
I'm captive in your void of sleep.
My eyes are strung open,
My hands clung to you
But I'm drifting off,
I'm drifting far away,
Away from here, and as hard as I grasp onto you,
I know I won't be back.
Every time it happens.
I can't think straight,
I am so far off,
And if I can't be me,
I can't even stand to be you.
Dormant. Defenceless.
So I hold you by your neck and scream, but
It won't come through.
It never comes through.
And how could it if I can't freaking move?
And how could it if you never wanted a defence
While I'm thrashing and crying
And my throat is burning
With all the hatred,
For every time this happens,
For every night you betray me.
Repeating.
You always take the bait.
We always lay dead in the trap.
And you're leaving me.
You're bleeding out.
Like that, gone for good, without a last chance to bid farewell.
And I can't help but think that,
I'll either live without you
Or die without you
And I can never think what's worse.
So if you can't even see this...
If I can't just breathe with this...
If I don't just kill myself first...
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