Just one thought.
Just one action or word.
Now spiraling down tragedy lane.
Stomach in knots, nausea burning the back of my throat.
Breathing turning shallow.
Body temperature too hot yet too cold all at the same time.
Who knew breathing could be so hard.
Focusing on the inhale filling my lungs.
Exhaling to expel the gut-wrenching feeling anxiety so kindly left behind.
Heart beating too rapid to keep count, striking a beat to its own drum.
Breath like hot acid with every forced inhale.
Mouth now too wet, tongue feels too big for where it used to fit.
Skin too hot, now slick with cold sweat.
Stomach dropping like you just fell three hundred feet on a roller coaster.
Brain in a frenzy letting the fight or flight set in.
Are we about to run for our lives?
Rational me is capable and whole
Irrational me has complete lack of control
Rational me is happy and relaxed
Irrational me panics and cracks
Rational me views life in a positive light
Irrational me battles crippling fear without hope in sight
Rational me makes the most of every day
Irrational me wants to sleep the day away
Rational me is clear...has clarity
Irrational me is afraid…engulfed by anxiety
Rational me sees beauty and light
Irrational me faces a darker plight
Rational me lives life on the right track
Irrational me suffers debilitating panic attacks
This entropy, it's endless.
I'm captive in your void of sleep.
My eyes are strung open,
My hands clung to you
But I'm drifting off,
I'm drifting far away,
Away from here, and as hard as I grasp onto you,
I know I won't be back.
Every time it happens.
I can't think straight,
I am so far off,
And if I can't be me,
I can't even stand to be you.
Dormant. Defenceless.
So I hold you by your neck and scream, but
It won't come through.
It never comes through.
And how could it if I can't freaking move?
And how could it if you never wanted a defence
While I'm thrashing and crying
And my throat is burning
With all the hatred,
For every time this happens,
For every night you betray me.
Repeating.
You always take the bait.
We always lay dead in the trap.
And you're leaving me.
You're bleeding out.
Like that, gone for good, without a last chance to bid farewell.
And I can't help but think that,
I'll either live without you
Or die without you
And I can never think what's worse.
So if you can't even see this...
If I can't just breathe with this...
If I don't just kill myself first...
Tick.
Rattling in my brain,
Tick.
I—
Tick.
Tick.
Can’t imagine you’re pain,
I too—
Tick.
Tick!
Once felt that way,
Did you ever—
Tick!
Tick!
Try those breathing exercises?
I heard they—
TICK.
Gasp!
TICK.
Stop panic attacks on the horizon,
No well—
TICK.
GASP.
TICK TICK TICK TICK!
Maybe you’re faking it.
You leave the safety
of your front gate
and enter into fear.
The early morning quiet
magnifies your every movement
into a noise - footsteps,
breath, the sound
of arms scraping
against a coat.
You don't want
to be heard.
There is nothing
to hold onto
in this ocean of streets,
houses and motorcars.
The world is bottomless
and beneath your feet
there is terror.
You are now
too far out.
You try and hold
your breath
as you begin
to feel the panic grip.
The mind thrashes
in a pointless effort
to surface but you
are too deep.
A scream gets stuck
in your throat.
Somehow you survive,
get washed up
feeling wrung out
and alone
on the shores
of yourself.
Beached between
guilt and shame,
you hide
in that familiar place
you keep coming back to,
time and time again.
I grew up on the East Coast,
I don’t care about what’s closed;
Snow panic makes me laugh,
not enough for a graph;
Florida fear runs unopposed.
My heart started beating so fast I thought it would break
My hands were shaking; I felt dizzy and unsteady
Unappreciated, threatened, I began to run
I had never done that before at a job
A co-worker tried to stop me; she said I did not look well
I screamed and kept running
electrical fires burn in veins thruways....
breathless stars explode
Your ominous nimbus descends,
Don't shatter this summer’s grace.
Now all freeze in fear’s embrace,
You look so heavy, please, don’t race.
I don’t care if you dare,
Just don’t stomp your foot up there.
But stubborn as you are,
You plummet your tears for an hour.
Now, the tides have changed,
Calamity is named.
The road now deep with ruts,
Silently dousing my fragile huts.
Don’t erase my melancholy,
You almost drowned me wholly.
Thank God, though, you stayed away,
Pulling back the curtain on a golden day.
It's rare to rain
But it's raining
Makes me panic.
Scared,
Frightened,
Afraid.
These are feelings I have
as my heart begins to race
just like a car on a race track.
My face, I feel it burning,
just like the heat from a fire
And panic is how I feel
I want to run away from panic
I want to hide from panic
I want to cry when the word panic comes to mind
panic, panic, panic
oh how I hate thy
when you show up in my life
for you are a Halloween gift I despise
When will this feeling ever stop, Palpitations from my heart.
I can't go out into the world how did these feelings start.
My sweaty palms and pounding head
I'm just so scared to get out my bed.
People will judge me I just can't cope,
feels like my hearts being pulled by a rope.
My cheeks are getting tingles pins and needles down my arm,
What did I do to deserve this? I never mean no harm.
my legs just feel like jelly my sight is getting weak,
I start gasping for air my mouth won't let me speak.
I lie myself down flat on my back,
please God don't let this be a heart attack.
Minutes go by I drift of to sleep,
I hope I wake up my life I want to keep.
When I came around my heart was beating fine,
It was just another panic attack of mine.
When this feeling comes again I'll just lie on my back,
I know I am not dying it's just a panic attack
Plenty things in life
Will make you panic
Pray
It pick thy Spirit
Praying liberate us.
Panic comes
To disrupt you
Leaving
You in chaos
Amidst peace.
Panic
An illusion
Courage
Thy remedy
Don't let it
Takeaway your harmony.
~Pennsylvania Panic~
He was shot, and could have been dead.
I saw the red blood running down his head.
I only could think of his tall and handsome son of eighteen.
Whose emotions were anything but joyous nor mystically serene.
I was alive when both Kennedys were kiiled.
I saw the floor upon which RFK’s crimson
blood had spilled.
Yes and I thought of the late Martin Luther
King, was killed but his dream, a American star that thrilled!
This is a great country and we refuse to be undone.
True Americans know it is so and was not formed for a short run.
This Judaeo- Christian Republic’s dome shines high in DC on a hill!
To forever serve…America’s law-abiding ones!
7/25/2024 poem 3
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