Long Infiltrate Poems
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I said
“you owe me the love you could never give me. So mourn me, because you said you’d never let go and I feel you slipping.”
And he said
“I am. Every day. Not a day goes by where I don’t think about you”
so..
I hope every breath you take bears my scent.
I hope it pierces through your skin, your lungs, and into your heart it descends.
Inside out, I hope it tears you apart.
I hope every word I’ve said
lingers in your head.
I hope it keeps you up in bed
I hope each one’s engraved in your brain.
I hope you still feel my touch.
I hope you feel it tracing your lies.
I hope you feel its distance as time flies.
I hope it’s harsh, lush graze
resuscitates the painfully haunting memories of your mistakes.
I hope you feel my innocent gaze
upon your sins,
Upon your attempts to redeem.
I hope you feel my pain and disappointment
infiltrate the unattainable forgiveness you seek,
or so it seems.
I hope whenever you whisper my name,
you taste the melancholic despair you evade.
And I hope it stings like acidic waste
And I hope the feeling left behind,
chews you up and eats you alive.
I hope your tired eyes search for me everywhere you go.
Like a moth drawn to a flame.
Chasing the sun,
like the moon before a sunset.
-
I hope the flame ignites
when you remember who’s to blame.
I hope its fiery pit stubbornly sits in your thoracic cage.
I hope its fuel is no other than your regret, your shame.
And I hope you never live to see the day.
The day you catch your breath.
The day your mind quiets down.
The day you forget my tender touch.
The day you can’t recall my name.
And the day you don’t recognize my face
But if, inevitably, that day must come
I will be the repent you can’t outrun
The echoing distress you feel in your ribs
And the words you choke on,
When you take your last breath.
“I loathe you.” I wish I would’ve said
Unperturbed by prevailing circumstances,
Unruffled by the turbulent sea,
Shielded from daunting situations,
Not held by the reins of society’s gratification,
Moving without boundaries.
Unclouded thoughts,
Uncluttered pathway,
Not tortured by unseen elements,
Not ravaged by the oddity of time,
It’s a seamless flow.
The past doesn’t infiltrate,
Nothing is shrouded in mystery,
No moving back and forth in time,
No strange awareness,
The dual phenomenon ceases to exist.
No fighting an unending battle,
The outside is not under attack,
Gloom doesn’t hold sway,
There are no broken pieces to fit together,
Unrestricted by the earth's pull.
Without the mind and body,
There'll be no story to tell,
Without the mind and body,
We’re a gliding kite,
We're a ceaseless waterfall.
September 18, 2022.
Your Future is God’s past
The Kingdom of God is the living Manifestation of Destiny
Stay the course because your future is God’s past
Cast your burdens upon him because he cares for you
Do not fear because he will finish your task Purpose
You belong with Him because your life resonates through Eternity
The Kingdom of God turns things upside down to protect His purpose for your life
The Kingdom of God is uniquely different from the world’s standard
The Kingdom of God is a specialist without equal!
The Kingdom of God is immune to any counter-measures
The Kingdom of God can extract any secret!
The Kingdom of God can infiltrate any organization!
The Kingdom of God is the living Manifestation of Destiny and
The Kingdom of God has made YOU its Mission!
Stay the course because your future is God’s past
Cast your burdens upon him because he cares for you
Do not fear because he will finish your purpose
The Kingdom of God is the living Manifestation of Destiny
You trickle through my mind like a meandering stream.
You infiltrate my normality and drip, drip, drip annoyingly
into my totality like a tap in need of a washer.
Thoughts of you tug at my nuerological pathways,
butting in, interrupting constantly throughout the day.
Flashes of your words perforate mine - I say what you would say.
Yet I don't really know you - you were a glimpse,
a spectre phantom ghost:- when I turned to look you'd gone
and I'm plunged headlong, on free-fall into confusion.
My mind buzzes, frenzied with manic thoughts of you.
You are seeping, creeping like a pool of molten lava
down the mountainous pathway that is my reality.
I retrace my steps half-hoping that I'll find you
but scared in case I do. Looking with semi-blinkered eyes
into crowds of milling strangers, perhaps they're looking too
for a glorious illusion, an escape from the mundane.
I walk, I run through crowded streets, see shops of discontent,
I find vendors selling fantasy, and there you are again.
Look at me now, sitting below darkening skies
Cast out from our Highland home
The Clans now is spiteful despise
To the Glens we shall head, us the fortunate to roam
Away from the Jacobite scum, for us they'll continue to comb
These clearances they declare to be right
What gives them this credence this crime
In the name of their false King, once again we'll stand and fight
Soon the loyal to Alba, shall await their very time
To infiltrate, retaliate, in silence we'll strike so primed
The days pass into weeks, nowhere can we be found
On our peripheral they search and seek us
The clever in us, disappear deep underground
You can hear their English voices searching in our lush
Foul mouthed tirades of sectarianism, voiced in hatred cuss
It's now twenty eleven, to this day it beggars belief
That I read about my fellow past Clansmen
And their greed to betray, for ripened grief
Our day is not so far away, when the true Clans men
Shall vote for total autonomy, it's just a matter of when
.
Assaulting me! The darkness comes to be
in devil’s guise. Phantom haunts my mind;
in sleep paralysis I cannot flee -
insanity bleeding through ruined rind.
I’m humbled now and at your merciless
whims and words afflicting by your whipping
cruelty I’d endured and what of this -
stranglehold of fear that is so gripping.
The trauma it inflicts does overwhelm
in present as it did in madness past,
as Hypnos slips me blackened nightmare’s realm
my sanity becomes a lone outcast.
Stalking specter and there’s no protections,
I’m the victim with my mind in confines,
house of mirrors broken your reflections;
antagonistic mania still shines.
My life with you; you’re still inside my head,
though self-destruction chose as your fare-well.
Subconsciously you infiltrate with dread
as incubus revenge becomes my Hell.
Susan Ashley
September 23, 2018
*Hypnos: the ancient Greek god of sleep*
A story
Hundreds of years ago, plagues cast their black shadows upon this, once great land.
Soon the cassocks, and the habits began to infiltrate, dominate, separate, lent a hand
to the colonists and the governments so they could fulfill their greed and desires.
Across these lands the colonists and the governments raped, pillaged and set fires.
They stole, they murdered with impunity and gave the cassocks, and the habits full reign
that opened the doors to unimaginable abuses, atrocities and hundreds of years of pain.
The colonists, the governments, the cassocks, and the habits stripped you of your identity.
They robed you of your pride, your childhood with untold, unimaginable abuses a plenty.
In their wake, they left you broken, in a thousand pieces they beat you, killed your spirit.
For hundreds of years you carried these scares, into the future perpetuated them, felt unfit.
Alcohol, drugs, abusive relationships, prostitution, living on the streets became the norm.
Many Nations slipped into the gutters, into the hands of indifference, inside raged a storm.
Some stood tall, stayed strong, never gave up hope and fought the daemons, did not quit.
For all of you who reached the end of that deep dark tunnel, you will find it well lit.
Lighting up paths that lead you out of the caverns of fear, the black holes of self-doubt
and into a world where you are able to be proud of your heritage and find a way out.
B. J. “A ” 2
October 11th 2022
Today the blurry vision calls to her
Last night She drank too much
And to be honest,
She doesn't know why
It was without reason
She awoke this morning and the air was screaming
at Her to breathe once more
And sobriety, alongside it, telling Her
"It's okay to put down the bottle"
faint whisper.
Experience soberness and that it's okay to feel
Afraid.
OF WHO YOU ARE WHEN YOU'RE SOBER
It's a whole different person.
Who is powerful, creative and connected
but it's also, someone who feels so mcuh
and feels the pain all too well
And sees the demons people describe as medicine
She can step in-between all the heavens and hells
So, yeah, She's terrified of who she has become because
she can become so much more if she just allows desire to infiltrate
one day at a time.
And today, I miss her
and her wings
Wounded, but still flying
and today, I miss her
and her smiles and laughter
That presently exist, but could..
ever multiply
And today, I miss her because She's been skipping meals
because a demanding voice yells inside her brain and head
That hasn't been there for a while..
But has once more, returned
See, the darkness loves to imprison her and cause her to backslide
but I think, now, She's ready to catch it
Hook, line and Sinker
So maybe this is her making a decision to be
better again
to be strong
and to beat those demons down
12/15/17
I took the force of it again today
A curled formed fist from powerful limb
Planted on cheek in full fledged force
Rendered with frustrated frenzy
And me the punch bag
I took the torrent of ugly words today
Aimed just for me like poisonous arrows
That infiltrate and destroy the soul
And humiliate my tortured mind
I took it all without a word
I took the weight of unwanted lust today
Upon my meagre violated body
Forced against will to serve base needs
Instilling hurt and sanguine pain
Contaminated and used
I bore the agony of excised pain today
That went beyond the barrier of suffering
Of no desire and mutilation
Taken without assent and free will
Now void of feeling and of worth
I had to marry an old fat man today
And take glib vows at tender age
Lost now the age of child-like innocence
No time to play, no time to feel free
Just subjected and servile
I carry the marks of abuse today
Of contusion and mental confusion
Of pain, depression and low self esteem
Of humiliating indignity
And permanent scar
Panegyric praising phantasmagoric, albeit...
unseen prophets providing perspicuity...,
Who commune with yours truly
within state of mind between
sleep and wakefulness
methinks disembodied spirits
infiltrate mine consciousness
while suspended within trance.
Meditation invokes light hypnosis
gently beckoning me to surrender self
fearlessness disappears relinquishing
clutched grip upon ethereal essence
without substance, I wonder
how emotions, ideas, longings...
can weigh so oppressively
as if such elusive thought processes
(however they become manifest
spontaneously crowdsourcing then...
just as quickly re: blink of eye
irretrievably lost in space (mind)
farther than outer limits of twilight zone
realizing futility to conjure them back
synonymous when this (hymn) mortal
male i.e. contemplative,
intuitive, ruminative...
nonetheless unable to recall revelatory
insight...,and/or when steeped deeply
within sleep (ah...such dynamic,
magnificent, vivid...dreams) more so
pronounced since relying to function
almost half dozen medications
(to mitigate predisposition wrought
courtesy of anxiety,
ocd, panic attacks..),
yet upon opening
(even without disruption)
access to such excellent
personal profundity...slightly biased
denied, analogous to
steel door shutting tight
with nary an iota remembered
to self interpret what subconscious
exposure means, a motherlode
rich with material
to write poetry or prose
tis quite bothersome
this sudden disappearance
evocations vanishes without a trace
aware no intense concentration
will jog abundant cerebral activity
forever out of reach
Argh...such evocative manifestations
serve as private cable channel
obvious drawback reruns
cannot be rebroadcast
aware (of course) nobody boot me
agog with exhilaration,
fascination, galvanization...
to plumb depths into world
I will never fathom
further than 20,000
leagues under the sea.