Long Grasping at straws Poems
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I wish it was harder for me to forgive you
I hate the way I still think of you so fondly
you left me grasping at straws while you had let go
was I just to pass the time and nothing more?
I reminisce the time when we were something
you were everything to me, but to you I was temporary
you killed me with your words
I cant take it anymore
I kneel down to tie your loose laces, you left mine undone
the roses I got for you wilted, would you plant some for me?
I try to sleep to the memories of you laying on my chest
the same chest you seeped your hand into and stole from
my reflection of you has shattered, my hands bleed trying to repair it
does this mean you wont tend to my cuts because you don't want to expose yours
you leave me here to die, cover up your tracks
you tell me we're just friends, nothing more than that
your arms were my tourniquet
now I feel myself slowly bleeding out
my memories are fading
I hope you get everything you want once I have forgotten you
do you think of me as much as I think of you?
it's 12 am and i cant breathe
my mind, flashing through images and moments and pockets of space and time
a restless energy
a redemptive ache
as i scream the name of a distant god
its 1 am and the silence is so loud
at the computer, i take my first deep breath
the world is quiet tonight
unlike my sweaty palms racing heart (i dialed your number, my hand slipped)
'why?' i reach a clammy hand out
feeling at an endless darkness
its 2 am and my brain is hammering against my skull
like a prisoner begging for release
again i reach
for a nonexistent hand
can i dial jesus? (i think id like his number on speed dial)
its 3 am and i dont know if i can make it until 4
i lay now, praying for the reprieve of sleep
my fingers reach up
clawing at my eyes
tugging at my hair
grasping at the small
cross gifted to me by
someone long lost
i stared at your number 'till 5 am
'till the sun peeked his head out
as if a reminder that life continues on (though i miss the stillness of night)
i miss your hand in mine
i cried out to any who'd listen
grasping at straws, brokering deals with the spiders on my wall
please come home
the pastor told me itd never happen
but i called your mum
and she said you still lived on in me
its 6 am now
and id like for you to stop living in me and just- just hold me
please?
They’ve gone silent
These voices in my head,
For the first time
I don’t remember what they said
Did their words dry up?
Or did my ears decide to not acknowledge them?
They’ve gone silent
I can hear myself think
Dissimilarity for the first time in years
Nothing is being said…
Drifting along,
Looking at everything around me
Searching for the one thing
That will make sense in
Everything that is senseless
Grasping at straws,
Because they looked promising
Only to find out they were
Empty vessels, noiseless drums
No resonance when you hit on them
Like the voices in my head,
They too have gone silent…
In cold winter air, I tread to the beach
Looking for things that I think I need
A shell of some kind, washed up jellyfish
To the creaky shack, looking for things I missed
I crack open the door and the warmth hits my cheeks
Look back to the ocean, hoping it might speak
And tell me to stop, to not go underneath
But I never listen, I rinse and repeat
Whatever you’re cooking, it smells like a home
I reach out to call, and you pick up the phone
We fall back in bed to the sound of the tone
I open up, you let out a sweet moan
Write me your sweet words, sing me your songs
Tell me where to go and where to belong
I let the tide take me while I’m grasping at straws
I let the shark eat me, I swim right to its jaws
Bite marks and scratches, on what I depend
A cold dish that doesn’t taste sweet like revenge
Washed up to the shore with nothing to defend
I beg for you, darling, to hurt me again
Clinging on to something that's
been gone for so long
Grasping at straws
Just to feel that feeling
that was once so strong
How much longer will we hold on
Until we realize there's no way
to right our wrongs?
Wanting so badly to just go back
to before we let our insecurities
& fears define how we'd act
A love & passion so consuming
it felt like magic
Now we both sit in silence,
knowing this is more than tragic
It hurts hearing your thoughts
that you're no longer positive
that we'll forever last
Trying to get number &
number with every shot & blast
....but the high never lasts
Here comes the comedown
when our ego's ALWAYS clash
Kuz we're stuck, stagnant
in our ed up past
I just wana move forward & grow, like we both know
is the direction we needa go
Our love is too REAL
& too captivating
to try not to really feel
This is tha real deal
..so what's our fckn deal?
Its like...
we legit got no more time to steal
A storm came
overhead my walk today
sifting throughout this pathway,
separating the pavement away
from the dross.
Yes, only puddles retire from this rain,
clearing out the filth that withdraw as stains;
now wetting my shoes into a frustrating gloss.
I could’ve ignored this availing sake,
at the detriment of waiting
for a better day.
But I know it would only be for a loss.
Losing the ripe for the stale and ache.
Looking for the brighter shade
behind the coming moons
rippling and paling wake.
Trading necessities for a single chance
of grasping at straws.
Yes, it may stay
in the offing, it just may
ornament a skyline painted
in an aurora of dawn,
crowning our horizon
in another morning,
on another day,
where faith is a little stronger,
where promises can become made.
Where hope can linger a little longer
but never forever
as, for the world,
tomorrow
always comes.
Yet, in some defiance,
I found an obligation to today.
I needed.
my body demanded.
my wishes pleaded
for something
of which there’s no one
to call.
So yes,
today it rained
and I found beauty
in this misfortunate luck,
with valid reasons to complain
I could only focus on blessings I found
on my walk.
I just hope
it isn’t all for distractions
for a pain I’ve forgotten
how to recognize.
Adverse effects may
always be hidden as a cost.
No, I hope
in tomorrow’s day,
if fortune favors my fate,
I can continue
seeking out
this balance
that brings me back to the calm.
The music played so loud
drowning her thoughts
her tainted face the only
testament of her battle
grasping at straws
just to have something to
hold onto
as the blissful feeling
starts to disappear -
I remember you used to smile
she thought,
what happened to your happiness?
Where did the echo of your laughter run to?
You never used to ponder,
just enveloped every moment
What made you change?
I never saw this coming
that face,
that look,
so distraught
would a hug do the trick?
Or the simple message
that no matter what,
you are loved?
It may not be uttered every day
but remember you are loved
even with a tainted face -
Suddenly the music stopped
and the refrain of
I love you was heard...
she turned around
and smiled
realizing that through all her mistakes
God still loved her…
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Standing in the midst of a wilderness
I look beyond the hills and feel the loneliness
Searching for purpose but none come
Wishing I could turn the hands of time
All the while, You found me
Grasping at straws of desperation
Trying to make sense of this deep separation
Searching for love where there is none
Dreaming of a world I see Your smile
All the while, You found me
Wrestling with ugly ghosts from the past
I seek your Hand in the dark for peace to last
Searching for reprieve and warm light
Deep within knowing Your presence
All the while, You found me
Reaching out for the balustrade of balance
I hear the whisper in the depths of silence
Searching for the echo that carries all my hope
Embracing your Spirit brings comfort
All the while, You found me
You found me even before I was lost
In my disorientation, you steadied me
You found me crippled by anxiety and fear
In my panic, you brought calm
Even brought an angel in human form to hold
You found me because of love
All the while, I will forever be found in you
What kind of people are we?
Veterans sleeping and begging on the street
Children without enough food to eat
Elders unable to pay for the heat
What kind of people are we?
We build stadiums where heroes play games
Casting big shadows to cover forgotten names
But nothing is done to address the anger and shame
What kind of people are we?
We just disregard all the damage we cause
We worship the grim reaper, denying his flaws
We’re starring in Mouseland, grasping at straws
What kind of people are we?
Someday we will answer, or maybe our children will
For turning away from our friends and relations in need
But rest assured an answer will be demanded
What kind of people are we?
David & Goliath
And it came to pass that Philistia
and Israel waged war between them in
the Valley of Elah, where a compromise
was agreed to (one on one)
with the spoils of war
forfeited to the victorious.
And so, Saul asked, “How many behind me?”
And his general replied,
“With the Lord on our side,
there’s no need to count,
but there is one,
a shepherd willing to sacrifice his life.”
And so stepped forth David
clad in sheepskin, supporting a staff,
and Saul (grasping at straws) said,
“Dress the boy at the Lord’s behest,
and let it be known throughout Israel,
no greater hero is found.”
But David rejected Saul’s armour
and went out with a pouch of stones
and a sling to meet Goliath
and smote the Philistine,
and all Israel rejoiced,
for the Lord was on their side.
***
Reference:
Old Testament: 1 Samuel 17:1-58