Long Funnytime Poems
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Hey guys ,you remember when I suffered that pain
Of been called Mad and accused of been Insane?
I think I found this person, I may know who could it be
Yes! I caught the little sod, he was following me
All this time he’s been aping everything that I do
I told my lawyers and they are ready to sue
He wears the same clothes and drives the same car
He even told other people we have the same mother
I thought to myself, its time to reveal this person
But when I drew close to him the reality began to worsen.
We came eye to eye and he stared at me
Then said “Hi please to meet you I’m your split personality”
I have so many jeans that I can wear.
They lie inside a box upon my floor;
in every color there I have a pair.
With pants galore, I could not want for more!
I don't take time to sift through all those clothes
when I am in a rush and getting dressed.
Nor do I have the time to stand and pose
before my mirror to see which looks the best.
The "Zanadi," flare-legged, and faded blue
I grab with very little hesitation.
From Asia, straight to Walmart, ( and it's true)
they always fit (Oh, joy, less complication).
And when those darn things feel a bit too tight,
I diet till they hug my hips just right!
By Andrea Dietrich
For Nette onclaud's Contest:
"It's In The Jeans"
My neighbor raped my mule last night.
I decided that it was time for us to fight.
He talked tough but I wasn't going to take his sass.
I broke my twelve inch foot off in that pervert's ass.
When I kicked his ass today, I kicked it hard.
He didn't waste any time getting out of my yard.
My poor mule will be scarred for life.
I made a phone call to that pervert's wife.
She told me that she intends to get a divorce.
I locked my barn because I also own a horse.
If you own a mule, you should listen to what I tell you.
Hide it and hide it well because you know what he'll do.
(THIS IS A FICTIONAL POEM.)
sittin' on the back porch,
drinkin' gran'ma's brew;
lots of free time on my hands,
can't think of what to do
i wanna strip naked,
go lay out in the sun;
chiggers chompin' on my butt,
ain't my type of fun!
maybe i'll build a treehouse,
but i ain't got no wood;
it's too hot to break a sweat,
that won't do no good
perhaps i'll have a cookout,
but i ain't got no meat;
i can't go to the market,
although it's down the street!
i wanna write a poem,
but i ain't got no words;
i long for inspiration,
while countin' flies on turds!
maybe i'll sell my dog,
clean up this funky yard;
that would make me sad as hell,
goodbye is just too hard!
sittin' on the back porch,
drinkin' gran'ma's brew;
lots of free time on my hands,
can't think of what to do...
My oh my, how time doth flee!
Seems only yesterday I was at my Mother's knee.
So much water has trickled over the weirs,
Now, here I am well advanced in years!
Off to school for a proper education,
Teachers filling my skull for my edification.
Some of the stuff actually rubbed off on me,
And shockingly I obtained a college degree!
A job I must get my folks did insist,
So off to the Air Force I went to enlist.
I thought, this ain't a bad career to pursue,
So for thirty years I wore the Air Force suit of blue!
I married and have a very sweet wife,
That's an experience that'll change your life!
Along came kids to make the family complete.
Being a husband and father is really neat!
Becoming a grandpa left me amazed,
But when a great grandpa, I was really dazed!
Too bad there is no way time to postpone.
I look back and wonder where time has gone!
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(© All Rights Reserved)
Knife goes chopping with the beat,
on the mint which scent so sweet,
Rice arborio n' boiling heat,
Rocking rythm in my feet.
Robbie Williams on my radio,
My spoilt dog stretched in the patio,
Whilst i cook ,clean and sweep,
She is snoring fast asleep.
Washing floors,doing all chores,
In the oven,hot bon bons.
Ow.my God,Its getting late,
sheets are waiting to be layed,
Ironed skirts and steaming shirts,
burnt my finger,Ouch it hurts!
Some ice will have to do,
bumped my head,and turned out blue,
No time for me to feel so sorry,
Swollen head,No time for worry.
Ran upstairs in a breakdance,
to sit down,there's not a chance.
Jumping quickly in the shower,
whilst regaining some cat power,
tick tock-tick tock goes the clock,
there's no time for happy hour.
Brushed my teeth,High Heels in feet,
some perfume and a light treat.
All is ready,all is well,got my keys
texted a pal,Once again ding-dong,
the bell,at this moment,Who's the hell?
It's my neighbour from next door,
melts my ice.He's not a bore,
Cos Of him I'm running late,
guess my boss will have to wait.
Come on in,I said to him,
His left foot already in,
Handsome guy with a huge grin,
Sugar man,One man to win.
What Will i offer him ? a coffee?
I hadn't any beer,Some wine?
or some orange with gin?
Time was pressing in,
Called at work and did a sin,
Called my boss,I faked a fever,
So much thanks,She's a believer.
Smelled some pepper,started
sneezing,My boss's answer
was so pleasing,"Stay at home,
Get well dear,Lots of love and
tender care,don't come close,
No need to share,bye,bye dear".
Problem solved,so wisely done,
Neighbour joined me in the garden,
so relaxed licking the Sun.
Ate lunch and had dessert,
He's a darling and a flirt,
After followed with more fun,
On my sofa,One ON One.
Charma
(This is all fiction,apart for the busy routine! My neighbours are good
old neighbours too,and Im loyal to my boss,just in case..:-)
I got a part-time job
of which i"m very fond.
It is down at the South Inch
at the local boating pond.
I help to sell the tickets
and call out when they"re done,
and in this sunny weather
it really is quite fun.
There are fifteen rowing boats
and paddlers if you must,
but there are no sailing dinghy"s
the wind here does not gust.
The job it needs attention,
you have a pen and book.
To keep track of everybody,
and you have to look...
to see that all is well
and no one misbehaves.
The waters only three foot deep
but their life you"d have to save.
But on one Saturday,
the pond was really busy
so much going on
my head was really dizzy.
I looked into my book.
What is a man to do.
I could not hurry time
there will always be a queue.
"Number six your time is up"
I called with little choice.
Then looked across the water
as they ignored my voice.
"Number six,"I faintly croaked,
"are you doing fine?"
and then the penny dropped
"In trouble number nine?"
Dishes in the sink
Never dirtied by me
How they got there
It sure beats me.
I went to bed, same time last night
In the kitchen in the morning, the typical fright
Stacked high, from places unknown
Hang on a minute, the bloody kids are home.
Thanks for the tea mum, were all off out
We will do these dishes, honestly and devout
They sneak back in and head up the stairs
In the morning these dishes, are growing bloody hairs
Maybe their creating an ecology system
Ask them to wash them, they sure ain't listening
Maybe its time to kick them out
But being loving parents, that i very much doubt.
I'm a blue collar worker who works outdoors
and I'm also required to wear a hard hat all day.
My exposed skin and face tan at a very fast pace,
but beneath that hard hat, absolutely no way.
The last time I went bandanna free,
someone got distracted, lost their footing and tripped.
All I heard as I fled the scene was, "Did you see that human Q-tip?"
In addition to speaking in rhyme, I dress in black all the time
but that shouldn't reflect upon my personality.
I just claim not to be so great when I attempt to color coordinate
but the simple truth is black is safe and I'm just lazy.
I live the single lifestyle and by that I simply mean that I have chosen to live alone.
I enjoy True Solitude, so I don't share living quarters very well.
My home has to be My Home.
I keep mostly to myself but that shouldn't suggest that I can't be the life of the party.
Back in my day I wore many a lampshade.
Now I've calmed down. I don't party too hearty.
Well, enough about me. What about you?
What are your interests, your passions?
What do You like to do?
Who knows where this might go or how it might end.
At the very least, I Hope to find A Real and True Friend.
Oh yeah, one last thing I need to mention to you.
A little sex from you also would be very nice too.
I was doing very well. I was doing just fine
and then I had to blow it with the very last line.
Am I right ladies? Damnit!
****************************************************************************
Please do not respond to the above ad ladies. It is now null and void. I pretty much live the
life of a hermit these days.
****************************************************************************
It is easy to determine something is wrong.
I get that feeling each time I hear your song.
You admitted that you are but a fool.
You love Carol, but she treats you cruel.
There is a bit of faulty grammar I see.
You should say she “treats you cruelly”.
She hurts you, and she makes you cry.
However, if she leaves you, you will surely die.
Your song became a hit throughout the nation.
Neil, you are not in that bad of a situation.
It is about time you reassessed Carol’s worth.
She is not the only living woman on the earth.
The Marvelettes say, “There’s too many fish in the sea”.
Let go of Carol and get yourself free.
When I hear your lyrics, you sound a bit wussy.
There are plenty of other girls if you want some CENSORED.
Entertainer, songwriter, and recording artist Neil Sedaka has had a fabulous career
spanning over several decades. His fine work continues today.