Long Funnyme Poems
Long Funnyme Poems. Below are the most popular long Funnyme by PoetrySoup Members. You can search for long Funnyme poems by poem length and keyword.
I had the strangest dream the other night.
Thinking I could help my city's plight.
I wanted to donate something they could use,
So I offered them a deal they couldn't refuse!
I dreamed I inherited an enormous amount of cash,
And rather than fritter it away on useless trash,
I wanted to give pleasure to our dear citizens,
And provide them with numerous and colorful denizens!
Approaching the city council with my idea,
I thought my plan would be a great panacea.
But strangely my proposal fell on deaf ears,
As one by one they relayed to me their fears!
All I proposed to do for my fair village,
Was to donate flocks of pigeons with fair plumage.
A unanimous council gave me a thumbs down,
And I was unceremoniously escorted out of town!
They told me what I could do with my scheme,
And that was the end of my inane dream!
Next time I'll be more selective with my bucks.
Maybe I'll consider donating dozens of ducks!
One day, She looked and saw what I done
For tomorrow is fine, now I’ll follow the Nun
She caught me acting up and having fun
She gave me detention, so I’ll follow the Nun
And now the time has come, to detention I’ll go
I will get a concussion and my poor rear end will hurt so
One day you’ll find that it’s no fun
When you stay after school and have to follow the Nun
And now the time has come, to detention I’ll go
I have a sore rear end, when I sit I hurt so, oh
One day, you’ll stay, and wait until I’m done
You can go home now cause today, I’ll follow the Nun
Beatles tune, "Follow The Sun"
For John's contest
The dreaded news came from his Uncle Sam with a nice salutation:
"Greetings, Nephew! I need you to help defend the nation!"
He pleaded with the draft board but they turned a deaf ear.
"Your claim of hereditary hang nails won't do, now get outta here!"
At Fort Bleak, the sergeant said, "Your army career has just begun!
Forget Mom, Dad and Maggie Mae, you belong to me now, my son!
Just pay attention, keep your mouth shut, don't give me any sass;
Keep your brogans shined, weapon cleaned, always salute the brass!"
The clothes they issued didn't fit, he looked a terrible disgrace!
His shoes were so big, that in them he could do an about face!
Herded to the barber, he was shorn of all his hair!
Two hours in the army and already sick of the entire affair!
He presented both arms to the medics for numerous injections.
His trembling nude body was subjected to minute inspections.
At last thro' the induction line, his head reeling and spinning!
No sympathy from the sergeants - they just stood there grinning!
The baffled recruit marched to the mess for the evening repast.
Gravy on toast and figs on a steel tray left him hungry and aghast!
The sergeants finally let him collapse in his welcoming cot,
Completely befuddled and bewildered by his hapless lot!
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired (© All Right Reserved)
To much cable tv
I think the house is haunted.
I hear things in the night.
The landing gives out creaks.
Enough to give me frights.
There"s something in the attic.
Coldness in the rooms.
I"m sure there"s witches out there.
Who fly past on there brooms.
My mother thinks i"m silly.
An overactive mind.
I refuse to sleep in darkness.
I"m in an awkward bind.
I watch to much tv.
That cable is to blame.
The Grudge and then The Ring.
There"s two I want to name.
They churn out all this horror.
That I must say I likie.
I"m up till after midnight.
Filling up my psyche.
It scares me half to death.
So when I go to bed.
Instead of going to sleep.
It goes round in my head.
But I must put a stop.
To nocturnal goings on.
Deadly psycho stalkers.
Those zombie killer dawns.
I"ll stick to my own age group.
No more the eighteen plus.
Switch on cartoon network.
It wont cause a fuss.
Go back to reading books.
Be in my bed for nine.
Great to switch the light on.
Everything is fine.
Oh who am I trying to kid.
There"s no point living a lie.
I"m just like everyone else.
An ordinary guy!
I love you cable tv .
Like a man he loves a wife.
You have to understand.
Cable is my LIFE!
i'm a country boy,
as country as can be;
i'm barefoot when i go to church,
don't give a hoot 'bout society!
i sleep naked in the back yard,
go skinny dippin' in the lake;
when i use the outhouse,
the ground's gonna quake!
i eat with both hands,
possum, squirrel, an' coon;
cook 'em on an open fire,
an' use my fingers as a spoon!
bouncin' rocks off turtle shells,
sippin' moonshine from a jug;
sweet as a store bought teddy bear,
it's okay to give me a hug!
i love my thermal underwear,
they're red, with a cute lil' flap;
i'll curl up in the chicken coop,
for a long afternoon nap!
i ain't much for fightin'
but i don't take no crap;
if you push me in a corner,
get ready for a scrap!
forget that bottled water,
i'm drinkin' from a well;
next time you're in the country,
stop and visit for a spell!
(Funny Children's poem)
Peter! Peter!
Where are you?
I am right here mom
I am coming now!
That was my mom
And she's calling me
I'm drinking a glass of milk
But I better run or she'll get mad at me
Peter! Peter!
What was that horrible noise that
I just heard coming from the kitchen
Tell me that you haven't done anything bad please.
Mom, that was my glass of milk, I just dropped it and it broke.
Well, I was just doing what you always told me to do.
You said that I am supposed to drop anything that
I am doing every time that you just...call meeee!
LOL! LOL!
Dorian Petersen Potter
aka ladydp2000
copyright@2008
When will it ever end? Do the pile-o-laundry clean the den!
His underwear are on the floor, yes, right outside the kitchen door?
Any normal human being knows to LIFT the seat when you’re peeing.
Then he screams “Where’re my socks honey?” and “Do you have any money?”
Every woman knows not to ask, men if they’re fat without the flask.
Vodka martini over here! “What ever you say, dear!”
Even though his necks a sixteen, you hide your **** behind stretch jeans
Remember honey when Buddy married us? I was five and on your bus.
You were so cute in your first day pants, and you fell for me with just one glance.
On the way home you carried my books. You didn’t care about all those looks.
Unlike others you never teased me. I thought it was ‘cause I let you squeeze me?
Shirts all washed and ironing a bore. Yikes there’s another one on the floor!
And Bobby can’t you just see us, the first time we TRIED? I wasn’t the first YOU lied.
You know honey, my friends all envied me. [God the bathroom, the throne and he.]
Darn, look at these shoes, sometimes I think we have the “I got Nothing Blues”
Even your Mom said I’m a great cook! "I can see that face don’t give me that look!”
Anyway hon, we had a good ride! Thirty years wasn’t so long with you by my side.
Right? Oh yes, it’s clear? [He hollers from upstairs.] “What ever you say, Dear!”
Dam! I had trouble fulfilling what I wanted to do in the previous last hour,
All was going well until a few minutes were left and then it went sour.
69 times I slept with a girl (that’s my zodiac sign)
One that didn’t take the pill
Me bit were looking like a crispy pork roast
And all I got was a multiple dose
Of tv, vd, 3v dvd
So, let me see, what shall I do?
Yes! I’ll put on a mask of Osama Bin Laden
And go on tv and say, “You missed Obama, I’m chillin’ in yo back garden.”
Or walk around naked with my rhino horn exposed to the air
And tell everyone it’s the new Armani swimwear
No! I’ll connect every door in me house with an electrical wire
And watch my wife jump of a change to my every desire
Ooh! I’ll go to the most expensive restaurant and eat my fill
Then pay them for it with a twenty-six dollar bill
Dam! I’m paranoid now, Is it my last hour or everyone else too?
I think I wasted me time so for the last minutes I’ll go to the loo...
I made my periodic visit to the medico the other day.
Said he, "Hop on the scale, I want to see how much you weigh!"
He didn't say a word, but I knew from the look in his eyes,
That I'd better opt out of eating cookies, cakes and pies!
Water cress, cottage cheese and tofu I really do abhor.
They just don't satisfy my cravings and leave me wanting more.
When meat and taters and fancy desserts are on the board,
For me, those are delicacies that just cannot be ignored!
I reckon I've tried every diet that is the latest fad.
My spouse tires of altering my pants to ensure I'm properly clad.
When that tire inflates and begins lopping over my belt,
Its time to diet again, slim down, and look a bit more svelte!
My spouse has decreed we're going on another exotic cruise.
What's a feller to do with all that grub from which to choose?
Bouillabaise Marsellaise, Beef Wellington, Lobster Thermidor;
That doesn't even include desserts, which I simply can't ignore!
I exercise, count the calories, but its tough to shed those pounds.
Will-power I lack when such delectable food abounds.
Lord, my supplication is to help me exercise more fortitude,
That my craving for all that fare will be of lesser magnitude!
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired (© All Rights Reserved)
My life has been adventurous and very far from mundane,
Though at times I've held the short end of the stick, to my disdain.
If there was any dirty work or heavy lifting to be done,
Guess who had to do it? Yep - I was usually the one!
Even as a kid I usually received the short end of the stick.
Guess who in choosing sides was usually the last one to pick!
When teachers asked for raised hands for our knowledge to grill,
Guess who was never called upon to display his cognitive skill!
In the service I had more than my share of onerous KP.
Guess who scrubbed pots and pans? Yep - it was usually me!
I made myself scarce when bodies for guard duty were needed;
Guess whose plea of inconvenience with the Sarge went unheeded!
I never volunteered for anything in the service - that was taboo,
But Sarge always said, "I want you and you and guess who!"
At times when drilling, the Sarge I didn't always endear.
Guess who he chewed on to get in step, gnawing on my ear!
I'm a little wiser as I near the end of life's treacherous trail.
Some still try to hand me short shrift but more often than not they fail!
When I was much younger, such things I really did deplore,
But now I've mellowed somewhat and it doesn't bother me anymore!
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(© All Rights Reserved)