Long Funnyme Poems
Long Funnyme Poems. Below are the most popular long Funnyme by PoetrySoup Members. You can search for long Funnyme poems by poem length and keyword.
A Visit to Graceland
By Elton Camp
Although Memphis is nearby
To visit Graceland I didn’t try.
Elvis wasn’t much older than me.
So his home I really should go see.
I followed the young tour guide.
“Stay together as we move inside.”
Critics call the house tacky as can be,
But it seemed quite luxurious to me.
No rightful criticism could I make.
In Elvis’ décor I saw no mistake.
I had no decorating advice to give.
It looks better than where I live.
“Now up these stairs is his private space.
The tour to go there would be a disgrace.”
The guide pointed on down the hall.
“On Jungle room, please make a call.”
I stared at the steps with eyes so wide.
“Up there’s where he lived and died.”
I stood alone at the foot of the stair.
Without any guard in charge to care.
Seeing a chance open to few,
I decided just what I would do.
While nobody was around,
Up the stairs with a bound.
In a large bedroom on the right,
Something gave me quite a fright.
“How do you dare to come up here?”
He asked in a voice shaky but clear.
He had a shock of dyed black hair,
But in places it was growing spare.
Then his great size next me astounds.
He must weigh three hundred pounds.
“Just who do you think you are?
Nobody’s allowed to come this far.”
I felt like I was about to faint.
Surely, Elvis the King that ain’t.
“Everybody thinks I died years ago
They must continue to think it’s so.
I can never be fat and old.
So that big lie I have told.”
“Your secret is safe with me,” I cry.
“Before I would tell it, I’d sooner die.”
He looked at me with a trace of a grin.
“No way can you betray this has been.”
“Nobody would believe a story like that.
A claim you saw Elvis alive, old and fat.”
I realized it was all too true.
If I told it, the day I would rue.
Liar would become my name
For harming Elvis’ great fame.
“We know Elvis long ago died.
What type drugs have you tried?”
And right then I began to shake
Until it brought me wide awake.
My own bedroom I did then see.
In Memphis town I couldn’t be.
No matter how real it did seem,
It had been nothing but a dream.
But I didn’t really so much care
That it had only been a nightmare.
For if Graceland I ever visit for real
And find Elvis alive, I’ll never squeal.
Trim and handsome all want him to be.
No unfavorable image should they see.
One of the funniest women I’ve ever heard
Roseanne Roseanne Roseanne Roseanne
All that humor in a single word
Roseanne Roseanne Roseanne
Roseanne Roseanne
Roseanne her name in the night Roseanne
For sure that name in time
Stands out like banana
Who could ever tame a rhyme
Roseanne I kissed he very rare Roseanne
All up in hair It was found
To my surprise banana sound Roseanne
Say it fast there is slipping
Say it slow it’s like singing
Roseanne I’ll say your full name Roseanne
RoseanneRosannandanna
Rosannandanna
RoseanneRosannandanna
Say it help me stop saying
Say it help me I’m praying
Roseanne will I ever stop laughing a bird Roseanne
one of the funniest names I ever heard
Roseanne
Roseannadanna
In memory of Gilda Radner parody - Maria Westside story
It's gettin' late and
we couldn't wait.
Me and Ma just downed 12 cold beers.
It's seven o'clock
and we both are crocked.
And my drug dealer’s fi-nal-ly here.
My ole Dad’s a stinkin’ like
a skunk who’s been binge drinkin’
as my poor Mom slumps in her chair.
My sister looks hot
after smoking some pot.
I’m hoping that she’ll surely share-a!
OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! –
C'mon and give me some medications!
I've had it with your saccharine!
Whoa! Saturday Night's alright for sleeping.
Getta little shut-eye in.
Gonna be as sleepy as Van Winkles brain.
Gonna set my clock – yeah, right!
Cause Saturday Night’s tonight, goodnight!
Saturday Night’s tonight – Goodnight…Goodniiiiiiight!
Woooooooh!Oooooooh!Ooooh!Ooooh!Ooooh!
Well I’m whacked fairly tight
and feeling light.
Taking one more Percocet will do me right.
I may slug some Robitussin
and suck-in some weed.
Popping three more oxycontins will be
all I’ll need!
A couple-of-a drugs that are really keen
Are Sominex and Nytol
with doxylamine.
I'm a juvenile junkie who hasn’t any class
Watching Motrin PM tablets
fizz in a glass.
OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! –
C'mon and give me some medications!
I'm tired of potassium!
Saturday Night's alright for sleeping.
Getta couple Zzzz-Zzzz’s in.
Gonna guzzle Ny-Quil ‘til I feel no pain.
Pullin’ down my shades real tight.
Cause Saturday Night’s tonight, goodnight!
Saturday Night’s tonight – Goodnight…Goodniiiiiiight!
Oooooooh!Oooooooh!Ooooh!Ooooh!Ooooh!
Saturday…Saturday!
Saturday…Saturday…Saturday!
Saturday…Saturday…Saturday!
Saturday Night, goodnight!
Saturday…Saturday!
Saturday…Saturday…Saturday!
Saturday…Saturday…Saturday!
Saturday Night, goodnight!
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
For: Mr. John Heck
Dear John contest - Elton John (music)/Bernie Taupin (lyrics)
Sung to the tune of: Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting
OK another adventure in the mad poet’s life,
This occurred just before I met Jane, my imaginary wife.
Jane’s brother, Glen had set me up with a blind date
He said the girl was a stunner, I could not wait
So dressed in me stripe trouser with me chequer tank top vest
I oiled me baldhead and let the old spice do the rest
Off I went down town to meet Deglet Noor (that was her name)
Glen said, “If you see her lips you’ll want to kiss them more and more.”
Then I saw her, and dam what a blind date
She was lumpy like custard with an all eye seeing Rottweiler that made me fearfully
hesitate.
She looked like a bulldog chewing on a bee
And the Rotter was eyeing me leg as if it wanted to hump me
I thought to myself, give the girl a meal
Then we call it a day and that was the deal
She chose this uptown place where rich people dined
A French restaurant with snails and frogs legs, you know the funny kind
I had a steak, she had prawns and a lobster too
And she persuaded me by force to drink champagne form her trainer shoe
When she ate poor lobster it was a terrible gore
I wish she could have taken a tip from Sir Robert Hinshaw
When we finished the waiter brought the bill and waited for me to pay
£1500 bloody pounds, my bowels almost gave way
I said to him “We not finished yet. Could we have Ice cream and coffee?”
And I said “Oh and don’t forget the mint toffee”
Me credit card was on strike and would not handle that amount
It was time for me to exit time to get out
So when the waiter had gone I told her I was going to the loo
Said to her I needed to off load a number two
In a terrible panic I managed to squeeze through the window, hitting the deck
I punched the air shouting “Yes!” followed by an “Oh F-ck” and “What the Heck”
I had fallen into the kitchen and not outside you see
The head chef said “We built it this way to stop people like you stealing from me”
Five weeks on and 100000 dishes later,
If I stayed any longer I’m sure I would have been promoted to head waiter
Nevertheless, If you do come across Glen give me a shout
Tell him the mad poet is looking to blow his brains out
**For my sweet Delysia Hendricks who asked me to write this poem**
**Deglet Noor is a date that you eat if you didn't know**
We went to the concert, my cousin and
I
While we tried to find parking, a man in a yellow beetle hit an Acura, thought that no one was
looking and quickly looked for another space. My cousin didn't notice, but I saw his
face.
Interlude 21min
Later on, when we were actually in the auditorium but before the concert, I saw the beetle
driver and his girlfriend four rows closer to the stage than my cousin and I, and dead-center
to boot.
An evil idea bit me in the tit.
I got up and signaled my cousin to follow me, and when he asked what I was up to I just
chuckled and told him to act tough and follow my lead.
We walked towards beetle-man.
When at last we reached the hit-and runner, I tapped him on the
shoulder.
He turned around, eyes shining like a doe's within the halogens.
And who could blame him?
he was looking at me and my cousin, two six-foot tall men with broad shoulders and angry
looks.
"Hey! You're that idiot who just hit my Acura in the parking lot and drove off!" I barked out
as loud as I
could.
He turned dead white, the poor guy.
I barely succeeded in not bursting into
laughter.
"Well now you've dunnit buddy-boy, you done gone too far and you're gonna die!" I emoted
in trailer-court-elizebethan as I lunged at him.
He was wiry thin though, and a fast little thing.
Before I could blink he was running up the aisle towards the doors so fast he didn't even see
that my lunge was fake.
his girlfriend trailed him only by seconds.
I sat down in my new third row, center stage seat and laughed, motioning for my cousin to
join me.
He did, but shook his head dissapprovingly at me as he did.
"What in the sam-hill was that all about, cuz? Do I have to remind you that you don't own an
Acura?" He asked heatedly.
"No. I know I don't own an Acura. But for a while at least,
A. I own these seats
B.That poor kid we scared off will never, ever hit-and-run anyone again.
And
C. I proved a very important point to you."
"What exactly is that, oh great and wise Geofferini, king of the mouth-breathers?" he
questioned sardonically.
"I proved that you're a dillhole." I socked him on the shoulder.
Hard.
"But I love you anyway, cuz."
Sitting, watching my favorite fishing channel on TV,
Then I hear my wife screaming, calling out to me.
I run up the stairs, into the bathroom, a huge spider,
She stopped screaming and I saw what frightened her.
I was startled when I gawked at first glance,
Have you seen one this big? Don’t raise your hands all at once.
I took off my slipper and with a might thwack,
Hit the bugger right across its back.
It just stood there dazed; surely it must have felt pain,
I thought it had looked at me as if to say tickle me again.
I put on my thick rubber gloves and gave it another whack,
Quickly picked it up wrapped it in tissue, flushed it and that was that.
My wife was all over me, hey to nights the night,
I actually did something for once that was right.
She took her shower and beckoned me to the room,
I felt the same way as if I were a newly wed groom.
So I took my shower tarted myself up for the kill,
Killing that spider earned me brownie points, a good deal.
I put on my gown and looked in the mirror, combed the eye brows,
Then I saw it, bigger than one I killed the size of a turd from a cow.
It covered my head and it began to hiss,
This spider was a mother of a size and it was pissed.
I screamed not a the sight of it but what was to happen,
My wife had a 2x4 aiming for it, ready to clap him.
I moved forward toward the mirror, the spider saw itself and jumped to attack,
The 2x4 came down with force and hit me on the head and the back.
I fell toward the spider and screamed, it jumped in my mouth,
I passed out but before I did I felt it trying to head south.
I fell on the wash basin, my teeth scraped the bowl chopping it in two,
In my unconscious state my mouth began to chew
The ambulance driver thought the foam in my mouth was due to a cardiac arrest
So they gave me two thousand volts on the chest
I got up with a scream, spat the **** end of the spider that made me choke
It stuck to the ambulance driver’s nose which I then broke
This happened at such a fast pace
Now I had my head stitched up and I’ve been done for GBH
Ps. I am still waiting to get some Love
© 2000
She asked him, "Why are you drinking
Before it's 9 am"?
He told her not to worry
She said, "Damn! You're drunk again".
She said that she was tired
Of him sleeping on the couch
She told him forty seven ways
He acted like a slouch
"Get up and fix the plumbing
Go outside and mow the lawn
Close your mouth you stupid ass
Don't let me see you yawn".
"Comb your hair and shave your beard
Look more like a man".
He rubbed his face and shook his head
And said, "How's that again"?
She stomped her feet in fury
As her fist shook back and forth
"I'm going back to mommas
If you don't get up and work".
So he staggered to his feet
And grabbed his britches by the waist
He pulled them up and stumbled off
To find a quiet place
He said that he was going
To the store to by some bread
But never made it further
Than his broke down pick-up bed
Thirty minutes later
He was wakened from his sleep
She took the backyard garden hose
And sprayed him head to feet
He jumped and ran to save himself
And find some place to hide
He heard her cackling like a hen
As she went back inside
He hid behind the bushes
Till he thought the coast was clear
He had to find a way inside
To get another beer
He crept up to the screen door
Looking in to take a peek
He slowly pulled it open
So as not to make it squeak
He slipped inside and closed it
Then he tiptoed 'cross the floor
Quietly he reached out
For refrigerator door
But something caught his eye
And he looked over toward the sink
That dadgum woman took his beer
And poured out all his drink
His head was bent in sorrow
At the tragedy he saw
A dozen soldiers down in flames
And bound by Sundays law
There was nothing left to do
But go and take his seat
Beside his wife of twenty years
Who made his life complete
He loved her 'cause she loved him
It was paradise in hell
He whispered that into her ear
And she said, "Damn you smell".
"Get off me with your drunken breath
Go sit over there".
And so he went and slouched down in
His worn out easy chair
Quietly they watch tv
Into the dark of night
Then went to bed with word unsaid
And turned out all the lights
The end
Rockman :-)
While watching my parents being mugged and killed
At age thirty-one my calling was revealed
Got bitten by a rare deadly bug
While surviving a nuclear blast so snug
In a exploding toxic waste dump
As a comic meteor from outer space bumps
Than slams down to earth in front of my face
As the Sun's solar flare burns me in place
While I constantly am being zapped gory
By strange energy from a mad scientist laboratory
Of an intention gone bad but meant to be good
This stuff can't even happen in Hollywood
Of course this little mishap is for the best
Because you now know the rest
Just give me the mask, cape, tights and ring
Now I'm doing the Super Hero Thing
Vision of a thousand eagles
Able to smell with the might of a hungry beagle
Hearing keen, good looks and clean
I can do this Super Hero Thing
Strenght, as strong as a mighty hurricane
Both weak and strong know my Super Name
Invisable if the need and super fast with super speed
Fighting crime, the evil and those with greedy greed
Save the world by saving the sexy pretty girls
There are fringe benefits saving the world
Than loving them in my known name
Super Heros know no shame
Can transform and can fly being good is my high
Using super gadgets and with super powers I thrive
Save the world daily and through the night
While keeping a secret identity is my biggest plight
As a playboy billionaire paperboy photographer
While moonlighting as a mild manner court stenographer
Sidekicks, Villans and the public at large
There need for my fame gives me a super charge
Be it Truth Justice and the American Way
Or just mindless vengeance in play
With Great Power comes Great Responsibilty
And a winning smile and dynamic personality
Still one day it must all come to an end
I must pass the cape to a younger super friend
In the comic world I will be glorified
With a TV series and Movies deal magnified
People will always remember my Super Name
I will always live through my Super Fame
But when I go I'll be just an average Joe
The world will never really know
The guy with the mask, cape, tights and ring
Who saved the world by saving the girl doing the Super Hero Thing
A Trip to the Opera
By Elton Camp
According to what I very often hear related,
Opera you should attend to be sophisticated
Just the same, it’s nothing I’ve known about
But I finally decided I would give it a tryout
How much different from a movie could it be
So I picked out one at random that I’d go to see
The very first thing that caused me some dismay
Was how much for the ticket I was forced to pay
I decided to go early so it’d be easy to find my seat
And what a bunch of snobs there were to meet
I figured tank top and shorts would be a disgrace
But you should see how they dressed at that place
Man with tux and woman dressed in a long grown
In my suit, uneasily it was that I looked around
Except for being old folks, I’d think they come from
Dancing at the very most fancy high school prom
I went in and found my seat to keep out of the way
As others came in, I listened to what they had to say
They spoke of libretto, aria, cadenza, and verismo
I hadn’t any idea what those words meant, though
But finally the curtain went up and the opera underway
Then I found I couldn’t understand a word they say
It seemed like some foreign language they were using
Ones who speak English they should’ve been choosing
Other folks there seemed to thing that it was just fine
But I wondered why they had to sing every single line
Not that I had anything against hearing a good song
But hours and hours of it was, for me, much too long
The story they were telling seemed awful complicated
That I had spent my money to come I certainly hated
And I wished that I’d eaten supper before I went there
But none of the others about any food seemed to care
I began to wonder when there would be an intermission
I need to go to the restroom, but did I need permission?
Finally I decided that about going I no longer could stall
Then found the restroom line extended plum to the wall
When the opera was finally over I’ll admit that I was glad
Because I never had expected it to be anything like that bad
I guess it’s because I’m a country hick brought up in the hills
But I sure found that going to the opera didn’t give me thrills
Times are the best when baby sis and I get together; no special reason or holiday,
just to have fun. Miles separate us now along with eight years but when we’re
joined, it is hard to tear us apart. I believe we think too much alike; both of us are
carefree and happy go lucky; we even look alike - poor thing. I believe we
acquired our slap-stick personality from mother, she always made us laugh. I
recall the time sis invited me to come to Tennessee and go visit the Lynchburg
Barbecue Cook-off with her. I had had a left knee replacement the year before
and still had to get around in my wheeled walker with hand breaks and a let
down seat just in case I needed a chair and couldn’t locate one. She pulled
me all over the cook-out area backwards. Someone from the news staff was
doing a story on the cook-off and saw me reading a Lynchburg news paper while
being pulled backwards and asked if they could take my picture. Well, I found
out that they already did and it was to appear in next week’s edition. We had our
fill of delicious barbecue, bought some homemade fried pies, bought a few
souvenirs, and decided it was time to head back home since I had a long drive
back to my house. Sis, bless her heart, told me to stay seated and she would
pull me back to my car. I helped her get me up the slope to the sidewalk and
took my seat on the walker. Being pulled, I relaxed a bit, we were half way there.
Neither one of use noticed the huge separation in the walk until the walker and I
tumbled backwards, my feet and hands straight up in the air. Sis couldn’t stop
laughing, I couldn’t stop laughing, cars slowed almost to a standstill; traffic
backed up. A couple of people walking our way stopped to see if I was ok, I
couldn’t stop laughing long enough to say I was. Sis was too doubled over to
help me get up. If we hadn’t stopped to relieve ourselves earlier, we would have
there. Of all the great times I recall, that was the best. Some people have to get
drunk or take dope; all I have to do is do something with my sister and we get high
together…
Copyright © 2011 By Caryl S. Muzzey