Long Fenn Poems

IV
Matriculation

Back to home, Patrick did go,
	For in his heart he knew
		It was time to study with the church,
	That this he had to do.
			He told his parents when he got home
				That he must go to France
					And...

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I REMEMBER THE LITTLE GIRL

BMWs shine on the lot, row after row,
reflecting the blinding summer sun of Pinedale, California.
Their windows blink back stories of 4,792 Japanese Americans
interned on this same lot seventy-eight years ago.

I remember...

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You might have heard the stories
Or maybe they’re just rumours
Of when my poor old granny
Lost her frilly bloomers

My granny she is old school
Hates waste of any kind
Repairs her clothes incessantly
With whatever she can find

When the...

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What’s going on at the Co op
Its been cordoned off, with some tape
The police have a ten strong contingent
Was it robbery, murder or rape ?

We telephoned Lynn cos she works there
But it turned out she’d...

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Chocolate’s a drug, but it’s legal
It wont get you on charges in court
You can buy it on any street corner
There is no other drug of this sort
Its power is quite meteoric
As its essence goes straight...

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Over in the corner 
By the photo of the Queen
Lives a great enormous spider
Trying hard, not to be seen
He is very very hairy
And he’s very very fat
And the last time that I saw him
I could...

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It was early in the morning when the postman came to call
I was standing in my undies as I shivered in the hall
He said he had a parcel as I peered around the door
“There isn’t...

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Stinky Stan the dustbin man
Was always less than fragrant
The aroma hung like cattle dung
And he looked  like a vagrant
If you saw Stanley at his work
You’d never call him posh
He wore the same clothes everyday
And...

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SPIRITS OF THE PARROTS

Two parrots, one red, one blue,
share one large, rotund zoo cage,
just the two of them.
There are plenty of perches,
yet they sit on the same one,
close together,
looking over a feast 
of fruit and...

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Join the ice cream army, as they head off to the coast
In the stationary traffic, they sit there and they roast
By the time that they arrive, the day is nearly done
Join the ice cream army...

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The chara’ left the pub at seven thirty
The lads were there on time, and full of cheer
We heads off for the seaside, on our beano
Me mates and me and loads of lovely beer
As soon as...

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Monster

The monster crept Into my house, quite late on Friday night
I wrestled and I struggled and I put up quite a fight
The onslaught was ferocious, when I thought I had him beat
He came back with...

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The Princess in her tower tall
With oaken door and granite wall
Sat sobbing at the window high
“Will someone save me” she did sigh
“Fear not young maid,“ a voice did shout
“For I am here, to get you...

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Remote controls are funny things
Then, maybe it’s just me
I wave it around for hours 
But, still can’t get channel three
It will always find the menu
For the treble and the bass
If remote controls were human
I would...

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You gots to wear your  ‘elmet
It’s a rule what can’t be broke
Suspose you ‘as a haccident
That wouldn’t be a joke
If sumfin’ comes a crashing 
And it ‘its you on yer ‘ead
It could knock yer...

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Oh granny oh granny what shall we do
You’ve put bananas in your stew
A dirty lampshade you wear as a hat
And you’re talking to the old stuffed cat

Oh granny oh granny what shall we do
You can’t...

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If pigs could fly it wouldn’t be good
You’d have to go out with a brolly
Wear Wellington boots and waterproof suits
Life wouldn’t be happy or jolly

There’d be danger around every corner
You’d think in your car you’d...

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Each Sunday after luncheon
As long as it’s not cold
My parents have their little walk
Although they’re getting old 

It’s their routine, they’ve done it
Ever since I was a lad
Each Sunday after luncheon
Just me and Mum and...

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At a general public meeting
They decided, on reflection
To replace the penal system
With a simple lead injection
Some people stood and argued
That shooting was too good
“Just take them from the court room
And hang ‘em in the wood”
Some...

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Avast me hearties, the pirate cried
We’ll take this ship, the Spaniards pride
Give no mercy, give no quarter
Not to the captain or his daughter
Board the ship and at our leisure
Kill the crew and find the treasure

Then...

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Avast me hearties, the pirate cried
We’ll take this ship, the Spaniards pride
Give no mercy, give no quarter
Not to the captain or his daughter
Board the ship and at our leisure
Kill the crew and find the treasure

Then...

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And when we reached the pearly gates
St Peter looks at us and states
Your lives have been so full of sin
There is no way you’re coming in
I’ll send you to that other place
Which isn’t any real...

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I bought myself a motorbike, two cylinders, vee twin
With a hundred wild horses waiting patiently within 
I release them when I take it out and open up the throttle
But never too much all at once,...

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Mary had a tin of spam 
But found she’d lost the key
She sobbed her little heart out
It was needed for her tea
A meal well planned, 
The goodies bought
Young Mary shed a tear, 
Spam sandwiches
Would not...

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If its not on the shelf we aint got it, he said
 Grinning like a sphincter
And for your embarrassing problem
That is the only tincture

It is the only ointment, 
To alleviate your stress
To take away the...

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