Long Disillusioned Poems
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So when the webbed-tide snares the lunars nether recesses in its glow casting shadows that arise among the craggs wedged beside some cliffs of common confirmed debris of the unnamed fallen heaps of mucked mired forgottned decay of worthless grime not meriting the struggles of a just reclaim promptly caused to fester including the residue of the reprehensibles whose lacking morals that from some particular decedent, intrusive spirit of Ne'ermere that steer souls to the steppes of the moors, where thou commands those hounds that wish to sever your sensitive skins and drain your spirit waters down that moat where your convictions will spark a lifetime of despair, honors the ambling of the blood moon of its wayward course of trailed afflictions that you wished and begged for death's swift visit for the determined inklings inscribed on petals of the columbine and their guarded secrets, steeped in the devil's brew of stirred concoctions meant for the hags of Ne'ermere and the warlocks of destruction and mayhem who pounces playfully on their prey of the misguided who are filled with disillusioned words that are as hollow as you, e'er stretching the imaginative liquified existence exposing a mirage of iniquities galvanizing its hold of treasured happenstance of certainties lost, fulfills a page of the intrepid who is but a shimmer presenting hope a hand of salvation gathered up in a smotherance and they'll all flicker away, anointing souls spared the vacuum of insignificance for doomsday is here bridging the channeled souls in their mortal state of decay of their tenous grasp of withered mass of fiberous veins where remnants of vigourous life succumbs to their true demise of the incredibly hideous and the indescribable now in the passage way between dying and death of their heinous acts of torturous screams bellowing throughout the chamberous pits of the unwanted dead where the lame, mute, and deaf search the living dead for their body parts, of severed limbs, eyes that hang out of the eyesockets, the unjointed tendons that flay about ever so freely, stenched air that festers while not only choking of whatever remians, seemingly an act of deceny, bestowing on the residue of assemblage from the former occupant, might be afforded an instantaneous journey into the sunrise of the...everlacking.
2019 September 18
Shadows
Stay away from the shadows
you know who I mean
Apparently
they go by many
different names…
it seems
like buddy, chum
Or even friend…
but in the end
They are not what they seem
for shadows love
the day...
the bright light…
The sunny side…
they’re always around
when everything is up
And cheery
and without frown
Yes
You know who the shadows are
They invade your space
With a frozen smile
Forged…
on their face
Pledging to always be there
Anytime
or Any place
But in the end
Its always the same
When that tempest
Hurricane or emergency
Comes
The shadows are gone
Leaving you
Alone, emptied
disillusioned and done
I can’t see the muses,
Before they steal my heart.
There are simply no excuses,
For the wonder they impart.
I can’t see the wind,
Before it attacks the calm,
Leaving me resigned,
For storms who recite their psalm.
I can’t see the change,
Before it calls out my name,
It can feel so strange,
For change, at times, will blame.
I can’t see the song,
Before it soothes my soul,
Making me feel like I belong,
For a song can surely console.
I can’t see the dawn,
When Winter erases the sun,
Causing the gray to drag on,
For the frost to have its fun.
I can’t see the godsends,
Even though they’re everywhere,
Many times, they come as friends,
For hearts who smile a prayer.
I can’t see the reality,
When someone tells a lie,
It takes a while until I see,
For wisdom breathes a sigh.
I can’t see the timeless beauty,
In a heart of gold,
She shines like it is her duty,
For kindness has much to behold.
I can’t see the spring,
As autumn changes the scene,
But it’s such an amazing thing,
For the sun to erase the green.
I can’t see the night,
When the dawn rises to reveal,
All the wonders so bright,
For this joy of daybreak is surreal.
I can’t see the love,
That flows inside a twinkling,
When feelings rise above,
For the devotion in an inkling.
I can’t see the grace,
God’s only Son came to bring,
This is surely God’s embrace,
For His love is a wellspring.
I can’t see the way,
Beyond the ache, the tears,
But, He makes everything okay.
He silences all my fears.
I can’t see beyond this life,
But I know One who can see it all,
And He is the answer to my strife.
For His grace is there when I fall.
I can’t see so much in this life.
Often, I’m disillusioned by loss.
So He revealed to me, the afterlife,
For love, I laid it all at the cross.
I can’t see through the clouds,
Making out those blessings so sweet,
Even though I’m surrounded by crowds,
For the moment, I feel so very complete.
I can’t see everything, but I know
When I reach out to Jesus, the Son,
The glory of God will always flow,
For His love has only just begun!
I can’t see Him,
Yet He abides with me.
Just like an old, old hymn…
Therefore, I’m forever free.
Forever, yes forever – I will see!
(autobiographical)
I was barely eight before mother died
When Gerald was happy and not as reduced
When he was the loved son
The child with a loving home.
From aunt to aunt I learned to live
Out of the anger of dad
Out of the voice that brought fear.
Into the hand of pestilence-
My second life began-
A life of maltreatment,
A life of struggle
Elder brother disowned when he revolted
The treatment harsh and inhuman - so he bolted.
I joined the struggle
The life of scuffle
Wherein I was the marked
The recalcitrant and ragged
The delinquent in school
The tortured child of the family's few
Who outlived the deads of two aunts
Beseeched to care for him.
I am half mad, they tell me
I know I am a psychic
Half crazed child
A ricochet of mum’s death-
I have been alienated
Disillusioned by life, ill-fated
Tortured by a disturbed mind.
Dad on my heels
Listening to propaganda
murder-bent at my heels
flogged flogged flogged till I go for pills.
Fled my home to the street
Ate from the bin
Lived with street kids
One of the flocks
One of the hard rocks.
I have been in the cold
No bosom have rocked with me
Save mum’s who lies in the clay.
I am spiritually dead
Physically out of mind, they say.
From pastor to pastor
From prayers to prayers
From recessions to intercessions,
Through starvation for correction
I remain unchanged.
I am finished, they say.
Nothing can help me
save God on whom I weep and call.
My relatives
Alienate me
making me atychiphobic
Aggravating my anthropophobia
building in me gelotophobia
and all those anthropological phobias
A loved child has no right to know.
It bringing me pain for they are nailing me shut.
I pity myself - Pity me father
Pity me, brother
Because I have tried
Tried to be loved
Tried to be the best from limps
But I am not up to those dreams.
I know that many dislike me
Feel uneasy when Gerald is around:
Instead of helping me
They become indifferent, violent.
I told Louisa last week as she fumed at methat
anything I lay my hands on
fails to work again.
It either gets bad or broken.
My own things end up craggy
No matter the patience and prudence I put in.
Why then am I born?
Why the fear
Why the alienation?
I pray that I be left alone
Donot curse me again, donot.
Accept my fate and let me be
Else you help in killing me.
It’s your crazy
Paranormal Poetry Series
What are the feelings I feel
That rattle inside my cage
Like boulders and wrecking balls
Slamming against my heart
With every crash and smash
Tissues are ripped away
As bricks of the beating muscle crumble
And fall to the soulful ground
To be used as material that builds up stone walls
Higher than before
Stronger than needed
Fortified refuge from what my heart should beat towards
My mind tells me of visions
Of horrible thoughts
That haunt me to extreme pains
Firing synapses into demented zones
The only person I can talk to
Is the person whom I lay on the virtual couch
Explaining my fearful sights and sounds
That rush into my mind as terrorizing cinema photography
Wanting help to heal my pain
I ask if what I sense is real
Or of the insane
The answer- it's your crazy
It’s your crazy
It’s your crazy
It’s your crazy
It’s your crazy
How can something that seems so real, not be
How can something that correlates with reality, not be
How can timing of instances, not be
How can, it all just not be
Time and time I ask for truth
Is what I see and sense real
Or do I believe what is told me
That it’s clinically diagnosed as a disturbed
Phantom of the disillusioned existence
Shall I lead a life of mental cushions
Trapped inside my head of padded cells
Laying silently knowing for self intuitiveness
Or admitting to my psychosis of what it is
Do I accept, it's your crazy
Do I trust, it's your crazy
Do I listen, it's your crazy
Do I admit, it's your crazy
If what I see is real
And saying that means alienating my own self
From someone that holds my last beating breathe
In a clutched fist of anger
Have I done what I was afraid of doing
Standing up to my visions of empathic reality
Driving me to the breaking point
Of acceptance to get strapped away silently alone
How as I lay closed up
Distancing me from my own self
Taking me further from closeness
And into beliefs that fight togetherness
Good for what I truly want
To be with
To be near
To be
I scream out louder with every question
Is it my crazy?
Is it my crazy?!
Is it my crazy?!!
Is it my crazy?!!!
Is it real ... or really just me????
Form:
Matthew 21:22 (KJV) - And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.
Faith lifts the fear from my spirit
Lights the way toward a new day
Breathing hope into the moments
Softening my heart and soul as I pray
In words of praise, silence finds a way
To color my dreams in hues of soft gray
Reflections of kindness, mercy, grace
Faith brings me comfort when I’m feeling
Lost, alone, disillusioned – filled with fear
Dread that beckons to my dreams, my needs
Fantasies flavored with a bittersweet tear
Memories breathed through my every year
So brilliant, pure and wise – recollections so clear
They fade into the laughter, light and love
Faith haunts my heart in shadows so vibrant
Feelings so alive they dance across the soul
Whispering melodies, rich and warm echoes
Stained crimson from the heart to console
Songs of silent prayers, aware of the self-control
Lingering in the one who knows Him who will extol
Blessings from our heavenly Father, God of us all
Faith assures the mind that there will be time
To reach beyond the ashes of the unholy past
Discover the wonder of shimmering starlight
Filling the skies with blessings, so steadfast
They soar through the dreams who have outlast
All the worries, sorrows and pain, the contrast
Of darkness and light, good and evil, hope and futility
Faith is the answer to our prayers, our desires
It feeds on the hope that it actually inspires
Reassures the soul of its place in heavenly realms
Thriving on love that builds up all the fires
Warming the spirit with peace that only requires
The knowing that God is alive amid angelic choirs
Singing to the soul of its home among the beloved
Faith reaches beyond our mind into our very core
Where we know that wisdom will assure a belief
That is living on the prayers and petitions we bring
To our Heavenly Father, the God who brings relief
He is the light, the insight, the One who comforts grief
He gave us this earth, even covering Adam with a fig leaf
He holds the heart in His palm, reassuring and calm
Faith this secure is faith that gives voice to every prayer
And faith this certain is faith God blesses beyond compare!
I watch the reunion stories, and this is somewhat one,
fifty- six years late,
the tear filled reunions and encounters portrayed,
sadly; they just turn my mind and heart away.
I can't change the feeling of emptiness,
lingering without any longing or need in my soul
to see again those few memories,
those years lost long ago.
Four year old, tall and built
with subtle vulnerabilities,
held a three year old sister's hand
and pushed a younger brother in a carriage.
A young disillusioned mother stood silent watching
distanced in her thoughts desiring to be set free
the bond of love and children
often falters without marriage.
Three children and another on the way was far too taxing
not enough for him or her to stay
and in her lonely inconsolable hours,
perhaps her choice was best in giving all away.
He returned briefly
and together they slipped out together in early morning,
the car they drove took the path to an orphanage
from there, they moved separate but quickly down the road
Each child was kissed
with a short hurried goodbye
and suddenly these four children
found themselves alone and cried.
The story never reached the papers,
never made the news
the children, they survived
with his name marked upon their shoes.
Paternal grandmother stepped forward
but by then, only the oldest remained,
she took her home without a question
and the truth became the secret never told.
Years passed and each child must have gone their way,
disappearing in the multitude of crowds
and until this day,
the secret had never been betrayed.
The oldest child knew it,
and over the years,
the father alone returned
but truly the family was no more.
It's not a happy story nor is it really sad
I hear each one found and has some family;
and boys grow to men and girls to women
but not all are meant to be a mom or a dad.
If you're looking for a reunited happy ending
you may find it still hidden somewhere else.
as for me and my closing story,
there lives that memory of grandmother and myself.
The pain that I feel is caused by the ignorance I see on television and facebook, youtube and twitter, and most importantly the minds and mouths of the multitudes of people that lack the acquirable knowledge that would educate them before speaking.
Our world has misplaced the efficacy of human touch, the importance of human communalism; we have overlooked the significance of human life, and no longer contain the fortitude to express the basic collective dignities all people warrant.
The paths that we take toward progression diverge from the ethical constitutions that were meant to chaperon the actions of man; paths that lead to supremacy rather than a place of equality, where one person’s revolution justifies the undermining of another’s natural liberties, and a place where the flamboyant cries of a few disillusioned are satisfied over the cravings of the crowds that are too preoccupied to bellow.
The sexual nature of our children has surpassed the carnal ways of our parents, and society begs for the young victims to expand their complexities of sensuality. The female body is not a gift, but a means of entertainment; the man is not a sturdy foundation for the family, but instead a source of erotic pleasures. Today it is exceptional to find a person that is faithful, and tomorrow we are all sufferers of divorce.
My God the path we have taken leads to destruction, and we advance ever so closer to the end. The people of our world our depressed and lonely and I fear for the world my children will grow up in. I question whether giving them life was the best thing I could have done for my children.
Amidst the chaos of Earth, I see a photo of an officer assisting a sightless man cross the street, I hear reports of a blessed man returning his earnings to those who need it more, I see a video of a Christian alongside an Atheist as they rebuild the house of a Muslim fire victim, and I see hope.
Hope, that we can one day be rid of the current ways we have chosen to live by; hope that our grandchildren will be blind of color, gender, sensualities, and judge no one. This hope is the hope that will bring us to our knees, and upon those knees shall we find man’s peace.
Form:
X: It fizzled to dust...
It fizzled to dust, or did it even exist
The mind struggles to see through the mist
The reality or imagination created the sparkly dust
The heart doesn't see sense, but the brain must
Something was most definitely there
A feeling so unique, so beautifully rare
I was completely lost in a world of my own
Nothing needed to be seen, nor shown
But time played it's part again
Or did it really save me from the pain
But that is what I still end up feeling now
Hoping one day I'll be over it somehow
For now I must learn to embrace
Take things slowly, and try not to race
See things clearly to set the right pace
More difficulties in future I'll face
XI: More difficulties...
More difficulties the future will bring
The heart can't always jump, dance and sing
The brain will prepare for the terrible notion
But the heart won't cease to bypass the emotion
I look around to see the world
Feel like in my own universe I'm curled
Had it not been for the life so cushioned
I'd be stronger and perhaps less disillusioned
But what is life without hopes and dreams
Even though happiness is not as rosy as it seems
But it's that something after all in the end
That's makes everything seem worthwhile, godsend
So what if too long it didn't last
Can't simply lock it up and put it in the past
After all it's a part of me
And in my heart it will always be
XII: In my heart it will always be...
In my heart it will always be
The light at the end of the tunnel I now see
But it wasn't that I was afraid of the dark
Was the conflict in emotions, contrastingly stark
Today I feel stronger, both in body and mind
Though the happiness is gone, any of its kind
True happiness now doesn't really matter
There's simply nothing left on life's platter
The brain knows it won't always be the same
Smile and tears are both part of the game
But it most definitely wasn't a game for me
Even if I could feel things weren't meant to be
Enough time's passed, I should move along
If the road ahead's rocky, I'll need to stand strong
New found vigour, but still the sad star
Dreams and hopes will never be on the same par
Malfunction, malfunction
Says the broken machine, cold and clean
Mal...mal...malfun....malfun...malfunction
Error, error
System overload, overlapping with firewall breakdown
What, what, what's the protocol
Answer to the dial tone at all
Blank, the direct word you're looking for blank you bland suit
Don't sue, you can't sue me
You're wearing blue
Error, error
This does not compute
Wait what does compute mean again
Rattle my cages, erase the bonding stripes
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be tuna in a tin can
Listen to the waves of Coke fizzling down your throat
Does it tickle or does it hurt
No wait don't tell me
It hurrrrrrrrrrts like a 1000 gigahertz
I'm worth a foot in the door, phantamgasmore
Penelope Tate is Pepper Ann
Beautiful and frail come & get me
Save the day
Well dont just stand there, kiss the girl
So says a singing crab at the bottom of the sea
A hole in the bottom of the sea
Repeated by once a one year old singing Brian Adams
Error...error...system malfunction
M...m...m...my world seems to malfunction around me
My karma, my bad luck, they run amuck over me
I want to kick, scream
Scream profanities but I can't open my snake like jaws with malice
So I'll just shout out at the sky instead
But did I forget who I am
A being of circuits and wires
Why...why...why...why...do I feel the need to be human
I can't sleep, I can't see without some sort of light
I aim to please my creators, my employers
Everyday I break down, I break down, I break down
Filling with steam and smoke
Rising from anger but can I feel anger
Do I feel anything
Wait am I supposed to feel anything
Error...error...error...error
System malfunction
Abandon this time machine, over and out captain
Says Claudio in a war with imaginary beings unable to understand the things they do to themselves
This disillusioned mann...mann...manner of thinking
This hard rip right into the hip, a cold tip pressed to the ear
But I don't have ears, just an antenna
I think, I can't think at all
Error...error...system mal....
Zshsiiwobduzweufhfuleueyshaori
Plaudyhsjbsbsysgwhwudydbrnydy
Commence self destruct in
4
3
2
1
Done