Long Ape Poems
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My friends and I had midnight hide and seek
One had to stand by a tree and not peek
In my state of hiding great I was hard to find
My friends decided to just be unkind
They all got together and decided to hunt me down
I first hid in the river near my house and almost drown
When they walk close by me I silently move through the grass
It was very hard to see, but I crawled a long time and almost ran out of gas
Then I heard one say that they were going up and wait by the tree
I had an idea that made a way to make them see
A shadow that ran in the distance thinking that would be
I had my horse pull a little manikin to make them think it was me
My friends took their flashlight and shined it toward it
I thought I had them but one thing was clear they did not fall for it not a bit
They all laugh and started to call out my name
They all asked how the heck did you have time to pull that trick that was so lame
I did not answer so they kept on looking for me, but I was so quick
Some of my friends started to get really mad and tick
I was a master of doing weird things they all knew what I can do
The night was still young and the grass was collecting dew
I decided to make a distraction once again
To think of it, it would probably make the night end
My friends finally surrounded my tree house
I was quiet, so quiet, more than a mouse
I had some rope in the tree house to make my escape
To distract them I made a loud noise like an ape
The tree that my tree house was in was at least forty feet up
I had some stash in my tree house a drink or two in a cup
My final hour is about to end I did not want my friends to catch me till I got to the tree
I took the rope and tide it on a branch and pushed off and that was the key
I landed on the garage roof and sneaked my way to the tree
My friends knew me to well that they plan things before I could see
They had a fish net ready for me to step into
I thought that was kinda wise and some what like pew
The few feet by the tree there was two of my friends that was ready
Up in the tree they both jumped down and pulled me up in the net fast and steady
They thought they had won, the person had to tag me before I touch tree
She ended up having to get something to stand on to reach me
I swung my weight back and forth till I ended up touching and the game ended
My friends and I were so full of surprises and that is what the game handed
Dumbfoundedness still prevails three weeks later...
when held spellbound courtesy grifter
Flim-flam man left lasting emotional whiplash
his derelict perfected artifice
to hijack every last cent
smarted me with indelible smash;
living daylight delivered I kidney you not
envious affliction affecting
last named member and founder of the Byrds
with crosby, stills, young and nash
entire corporeal being turned to hash
condemned state yours truly relegated,
cuz cremation unaffordable, though pulverized
and transformed into powdery ash;
Impossible mission to conceptualize
transmutation into cremains, the brain
lodged within me noggin
ill equipped to envision mine gray matter
even after asking mister Google to explain
that cremation takes place
in a specially designed furnace,
referred to as a cremation chamber or retort,
and exposed to extreme temperatures –
up to 1,800 degrees Fahrenheit–
leaving behind only ashes.
Following the procedure,
a cooling period required
before the remains can be handled.
Yours truly can best attest,
when succumbing as victim to virtual heist
I most likely flip flopped
into one percent atavistic Neanderthal state;
a surprising revelation
23andme genotyping results
yielded said presence of proto human
after analyzing DNA
courtesy saliva sample from eldest sister.
No other logical satisfactory explanation doth chime
lapsed consciousness, hence reasonable rhyme
whereat one twenty first century mortal man
virtually travelled in time
cast into nasty, shortish brute
obliging deft inducement
outsourcing valuable dough.
Though aforementioned far-fetched notion
smacks of high skepticism,
yet no more ridiculous than
hominids over bajillion years springing forth
from flotsam and jetsam in the ocean
I may as well broach another theory of creation
(just came to my mind),
that divine omnipotent wizard
sprinkled magic potion
across primordial sea
after watching an advertisement promotion
claiming said product
contained the seeds of life and white lily.
Convinced that snake oil salesman
wrought deleterious influence
triggering a debacle that rocked
the financial market,
(albeit constituting one singular naked ape),
an attorney general based in Philadelphia
believes I presented a convincing case,
which hopefully witnesses
recouping all or most of my funds.
Wake! and see the extent to which you’re still enslaved
enslaved by your own kind who hanker after conditioning platitudes
the clubby comfort of secretly oath-taking power cliques
Wake! O! Asia! Wake!
Remember! Remember Haidar Ali his son Tipu and Akbar
remember Sivaji and Chandra Bose and Kattapomman and Asoka
remember O! remember the one and only Mahatma
Wake India! O! Wake!
Wake! India! Wake! and see how your destitute generations are shunned aside
in infested villages sans drains sans potable water sans hope
see how they’re bound in mantric incantating castiron caste strictures
Wake! O! India! Wake!
No where else in the world are humans so in-humane-ly stratified
what proof have the Brahmins to issue forth from Brahma’s head
who proclaimed them the chosen elite on top of the Indian pile of castes
Wake! O! India! Wake!
Wake! and see how your northern brethren have cast off their spiritual shackles
even if they had abjured the path of the just to yoke their bodies
yet for each child a vaccine a soja-filled stomach to keep slavers away
Wake! O! India! Wake!
Wake! O! India! Wake before it’s too late!
for your own kind are about to enslave you once all over again
and the old master needs hardly despatch troops to proclaim his divine law
Wake! India! Wake!
Wake and watch how your elite ape and espouse the ways of the old master
how for an air-ticket a stipend per diem they would do you in without compunction
how for some lions memberships in select clubs they’d betray your own true kind
Wake! O! Asia! Wake!
Wake! O! Indonesia! Wake and see how the G.N.P. in Singapore
far outweighs that of the former papal Portugal now
how the four fiery Eastern Dragons no more parade in papier maché garb
Wake! Indonesia! Wake!
(Continued in Part One - 3)
Like a tumbleweed aimlessly blowing in the wind
across infinitely open and wide prairie home companion land
(which wasteland famously epitomized by T.S. Elliot)
a barren vista ravages metaphorical landscape
of one measly mortal malcontent male
bumping and scraping along accursed habiliment
just barely avoiding and dodging diabolical demons
mercilessly and unrelentingly ready
to seduce this somewhat sanguine Simian
who finds himself amidst the pitfalls
of a tortured and twisted existence
racked with pinions describe bing
a demonic dragon filled dungeon
damp, dark, demented domains –
a veritable no man’s land
impossible to escape no matter how fast I -
as a foo fighter flee
from the fearful, fierce-some phantasmagoric forms
figments of my imagination seemingly real
tangible as bone and flesh
who haunt sacred crowded house of slumber
transmogrify me into a loathsome madman
ranting raving senseless gibberish and sic gobbledygook
perceived as metaphysically n philosophically insane
as soundgarden syllabification
from one womanly World Wide Web wayfarer
which virtual vagabond venerates vowels
and possesses means and tees to till verse
akin to a sorceress who waves a magic wand
to produce supreme sentences
weaves tantalizing terrific tweed topographic tundra’s
that this admirer of her artful and colorful poetic endeavors
prompts me to accompany my mindscape
as a thought-provoking troubadour
amidst the information super byways and highways
along winding labyrinths of critical thinking
or simply stepping o'er rolling stones
of silly rhymes without wing less reason
all the while giving subtle egress
into that chamber of secrets
long kept shut tight to maintain
that sure footed stance of solitude
whose only entities happened
to constitute trappings of literary lugubriousness
those tombs of largesse identified
as great works and masterpieces of literature
yet careful to avoid complete intimacy
lest that cherished solitude shattered
and a heart rent asunder
twin tower ring inferno imp perils of loss that provide
an understandable cautionary tale
to the author of this rambling missive
a most profoundly perceptive acute Ape man
touched to the quick with a bit of angel dust
aware that this agonized and angst riddled arboreal beast
contents himself with the confines of cyberspace!
He walked with a swagger,
was a delinquent lagger
and recidivist wagger
all his schoolboy days.
Joyridin on the Pare’ bus
he’d skylark and cuss
just like one of us
as was his way always.
He was undeniably cool
but did shirk at school
and play the fool
from bell to ringin bell.
Widely well liked as a peer
and but for the odd jeer
had nothin to fear
but many a tale to tell.
He oft sat ready in class
but mostly half ar-se
and exams seldom pass
much to his own bane.
Almost always in a scrape
lookin to mock or ape
or some dare or jape
and felt a swingin cane.
He climbed out on a limb
and broke into the gym
then let his friends in
loadin up the bar.
Squattin and pressin away
liftin in the weight bay
‘til fun and horseplay
went a step too far.
He did the flyin fox cling
and leg and arm fling
on the rope swing
with collidin force.
For dear life hands hangin,
blokes fallin and clangin
into each one bangin
on the Confidence Course.
He was a hurler of eggs
and ‘til someone begs
did charlie their legs
but it was all in fun.
A water bomb he’d let fly
when he’d from up high
ambush a passer-by
abscondin on the run.
He his loyal friends also
under the gym below
did hide and stow
lest they all be found.
Then one guy in the loop
would dive thru a hoop
and the rest swoop
should it fall down.
He at lunch hour stood
all innocent and good
but not as he should
policin the tuck shop.
As monitor it was his job
to calm the unruly mob
but never tell or dob
suckin on his lollipop.
He was a classroom pest
out of uniform dressed
on his own little quest
and always in strife.
But in his heart he knew
what he needed to do
and this he would rue
the rest of his life.
He was a master pranker,
some say a wanker
but he did hanker
for somethin more.
Girls thought him sweet
and did fall at his feet
goin crazy for Skeet
but his spell had no cure.
~~~~
Pic above: The old Windsor Park Hotel is
in the background. It is 1977
and we are just 16 years old.
below: With friends below the trees
of Rangitoto College.
***Crazy Menagerie***
I definitely bit off more than I could chew,
when I came a-running to my friend's rescue
He said it was no big deal, a real snooze actually
to just please, please look after his cutie menagerie
He said everything was pretty much self-explanatory
just feel at home, and relax...he sure was being sneaky!
I thought the word "menagerie" was just an exaggeration,
but goodness me, I almost fainted when I was greeted by a python!
He just lay there by the foyer, quite snug as a bug on the rug
So I carefully stepped over it, and planned to make tea for my mug
I headed to the kitchen, when I heard something go squeak! squeak!
What was that? I wondered, then I let out a bloodcurdling shriek!
It flew right over my head, yikes, another one got me all panicky
My eyes bugged out as I realized that he had a couple of paniki*!!
I went rushing out the kitchen and ran straight into an aquarium
No cool fishies here, just mousies out of equilibrium
They were jumping up and down now, trying to escape
when I heard a suspicious grunt, it sounded like an ape!!
I was so scared to search for it, but curiosity won out
So I opened doors and cabinets, when I ran smack into a snout!
Ewwwww, I just realized that I just kissed an ugly pig!
I then remembered he kept one to go on truffle digs!
He said he had a cat though? Where were the common pets?
Ah, there it is; here, kitty, kitty, when I saw it was a ferret!
It was doing this weird dance, it hopped then bumped into me
I wigged out, then stepped right on the tail of that poor kitty!!
It lunged at me and I fell back onto aquarium glass
of course it had to teeter totter and I was too late, alas!!
It just hit the marble floor, then I heard that sickening crash
Mousies all over me!!! Shook my head till I got whiplash
The cat was now scratching me, I was screaming 'till my throat was sore,
This was a total nightmare, that snake was blocking that damn door!!
My eyes were like leaking faucets, I had thick tears, I didn't know?
When I wiped off my cheeks, I found out it was icky guano!!
Boohoo, sniffle, snuffle--am I never getting out of here?!?
Dang Chris says he'll be back in a week, will just drown myself in beer.
* paniki=bats
** for Sharon's Pet-sit Panics contest
This story begins with Julio Jones,
a logger who worked trees in the Cascades,
never married or had a family,
he was a loner, that just was his way.
Now he was no hermit, by any means,
he would show up at the town festivals,
volunteer his time so they ran smoothly,
he always seemed to enjoy them in full.
But the man mostly would keep to himself,
and was most comfortable out in the woods,
he’d been felling trees for twenty-five years,
all the industry knew that he was good.
One year the National Forest Service
gave him a contract to fell some old trees,
once done another company would come
and haul the trunks away for industry.
It was fifty acres way back in the hills,
accessed by a half-forgotten dirt road,
ten miles away from any building,
in solitude to this site he would go.
No an old pro like our Julio
knew exactly how to make the trees fall
so it would be easy to load them up
when the truck came the gather them all.
One day while cutting, about a week in,
he was felling trees by the lease’s edge,
when his chainsaw touched up on a big cedar
he heard a growl from a nearby hedge.
Next a brown head poked out of the bush,
Julio was so stunned he could just watch
as a seven-foot figure straightened up,
he was staring at a God-damned sasquatch!
He retreated back from the big tree trunk
and the warning growl quickly ceased,
when he tried again the growl returned,
Julio quickly figured out the beast.
It was just defending its territory,
letting him know when he had pushed too far,
so he retreated back to another
and put this new tree-trunk to his bar.
The bigfoot cared not when he cut trees there,
in fact it watched from a boulder in shade,
it looked on as if it were curious
as Julio went about his day.
And when he returned the very next morn,
he spotted the big creature once more,
along with a juvenile bigfoot,
they watched big trees plunge to the forest floor.
Now Julio remembered seeing once
a gorilla that head learned A.S.L.,
f that ape could do it, why not bigfoot?
What type of stories would this cryptid tell?
Julio knew how to make the signs,
his only brother had been deaf since birth,
he had an idea and bought some apples,
then brought them next day when he went to work...
CONCLUDES IN PART II.
Sorry, I don't know what the heck you're talking about.
Sorry, I don't understand a word of whatever you may have been trying to say.
Sorry, I don't know that man, or woman, or children, or anybody else around here.
Sorry, I'm a stranger around here...
uh, no, not only in this neighborhood,
but everywhere on the earth.
You asking me since when?
Uh, let's see, for about ten, no, twenty years?
Uh, no, not that either....
Since forever, I guess.
I've always been feeling like a complete stranger on the earth ever since I was born, I guess.
Asking me why?
Because, uh, I don't know what I am.
I have absolutely no idea what humans are.
When I'm with people, even with my parents or siblings,
even when they seem to like me and even love me, I, uh, I don't feel at all the friendship or love that they claim to have for me.
Do I love them?
Uh, I don't think so.
Do I love my parents and siblings, you say?
Uh, not any more.
Yeah, I thought I loved my family and other people
when I was a kid or until I was a teenager or something.
But after that, I ceased to feel that way.
Ever since I was twenty or so,
I've never felt any love coming from others
or any love coming from inside my own heart.
I don't feel I'm real.
I don't feel I'm human.
I don't think I belong to people.
I don't feel I'm a citizen of the world.
I don't feel the people around me are humans.
But I do feel as if I'm in a huge zoo together with apes and pigs.
I feel as though I'd always been trying desperately to speak their pig and ape languages.
Their languages have always been horribly difficult to master.
Whenever I try to communicate with them,
they've always complained to me,
saying that I speak weird Japanese.
They've said they don't understand my language well.
They even get angry at me sometimes,
saying that I'm deliberately saying things
confusing to them, to make a fool of them.
I can't speak their languages well enough.
Nor can they understand my language well enough.
There's always been a huge, vast gulf
gaping wide between them and me,
which has always terrified me all my life.
I'm not human.
If I do belong to any place or any world,
I probably belong to the other end of the universe.
Definitely not here.
DONALD TRUMP – RE: DUCKS --
this portion dashed off
(while dry ving an open white hearse slay
so many months back before
slated him slotted the most coveted
Casino biggest win - before the political imbroglio
much more upsetting than today
- - - - - - - - - -
Axe the old don
A trump peter n piper of incredulous hellish crud - be gone
With the ha air brushed pompous ****
so the Macy jackal hound doth run
After public outcry yelps
for his hide and proletarian discord won!
- - - - - - - - - -
Donald Duck Trump ™$ - a pompous ass
makes war with his big brass
knuckles and bucket of crass
maligns vis a vis character assassination with bro kin glass
inciting banal deathly hallowed expletives
toward lass sees – especially
Fox Television news anchorwoman Megyn Kelly
inducing said personality to bear the brunt of brutish mass
of vitriolic n vile insults from incriminating verbal pass
so…ex post facto viz mine NO VOTE from me
thus this digital screed to disallow him
to accept the oath of office, cuz he will hurrahs
from such a snooty arrogant simian with sass!
- - - - - - - - - -
I van a try to describe while sitting on me rump
How he oh bomb in lee rages with gnashing teeth
while back a slump
Blasting Democratic nomination as a sham –
From special interest bro and sis turn pump
He, the epitomy of crass bloviation, a malignant lump
Whose rants sans presidential outcome a sham rocking red bull
in a China shop with his millions beds this,
- - - - - - - - - -
That and another woman to bareback jump
Disseminating gene pool –
Obama null lee birthing more Quakers
and additionally doth hump
The mass media as some foolhardy charade
And caricature of a frazzled grump
This arboreal clothed ape
Erecting Taj Mahal phallic symbol where players dump
And gamble away hard earn cash
- - - - - - - - - -
For his hello kitty, as if that cachet to grind and bump
Lambasting with that maniacal leering pout
while hair rum runs rampant with red bulls
In a China shop atop his bulbous aerosol sprayed heady measly shaped
ulterior motive aimed his sights to become Pastor of Muppets
Dis eased cranial hologram
Of a cretaceous, facetious and insidious mump.
----------------------------------------------------------
By: Baron von Ivan Mal N. Ya.
Axe the old Don, a trump peter n piper
of incredulous hellish crud - be gone
ha air brushed pompous ****
Sunkist in Macy's window
then like a jackal hound, he doth run
after public outcry yelps
for his hide leaving
proletarian discord re: pyrrhic victory won.
Donald Duck Trump ™$ - a pompous ass
makes war with his big brass
knuckles and bucket of crass
maligns vis a vis character assassination
while kissing thing kith
darting forked tongue sharp as bro kin glass
inciting banal deathly hallowed
expletives toward lass
sees – especially Fox Television
news anchor woman Megyn Kelly
(quite so many ill mannered indiscretions ago)
inducing said personality
to bear the brunt of brutish mass
of vitriolic n vile insults sacrilegiously
maliciously, noxiously, opprobiously
incriminating, hellaciously,
desecrating opportunistically as hiss oh piss
so…NO amp pull VOTE of confidence from me
(thus far ohm host halfway to 2020 election
toward such a volt char quite rude, snooty
arrogant simian with sass.
I van (terribly hard pressed)
to describe while sitting on me rump
how he oh bomb in lee rages
gnashing false teeth
Wilma backside doth slump
still blasting Democratic nomination
(pa hill a reed) as sham –
from special interest bro and sis turn pump
he, the epitome of
crass bloviation, a malignant lump
whose rants,
sans presidential outcome a shame
bullying with his millions beds this,
that and another woman to bareback jump
disseminating gene pool
birthing more Quakers
and additionally doth hump
the mass media as some foolhardy charade
and caricature of a frazzled grump
this arboreal clothed ape erected Taj Mahal
phallic symbol, where players dump
and gamble away hard earn cash
for his kitty, as if that cachet
to grind and bump
lambasting with maniacal
like "Stormy Dan" yells
leering oafish ill pout
while hair rum
(of red follicular) bulls ad hocks
atop his bulbous aerosol sprayed locks
resemble a flock
of bronzed sea gulls mocks
heady measly shaped Muppet Ox
dis eased cranial hologram shocks
of a cretaceous, facetious tocks
(sic) exogenous, insidious, and obstreperous vox.