There is a legend of a cowboy down in Texas
To whom they give the sobriquet of Pecos Bill.
It's said he rooted and he tooted
As across the plains he scooted,
Stetsoned, jeaned, bowlegged, and booted,
Pursuing cows and wooing gals
As was his skill.
The story goes one day while Bill was out romancing,
A cyclone came and rudely whisked the gal away.
He hopped atop the thing to ride it,
Quickly lassoed and hogtied it,
Then none the worse for wear and tear and rough foreplay,
Out stepped the gal,
And Pecos Bill had saved the day.
Now, legends often tend to get a bit inflated,
And this one here is no exception to the rule.
Some say it's too exaggerated,
I say it's well imaginated.
Like alimony oilmen often pay their exes,
Things are always so much bigger down in Texas.
Of course, it's hogwash, rubbish, bunk,
And yet how often have I thunk
That the tale of Pecos Bill is kinda cool.
Categories:
hogtied, humor,
Form: Light Verse
The convict was running from the police.
He chose the wrong woman to rob.
She had grown up with eight brothers.
When he yelled for her to “get out” of her own car
She began to whale on him. She hurt him badly.
He had been hurt less in prison during a jump.
She was interviewed on the news after she hogtied him
And telephoned the police, who were there in minutes.
He is dangerous, they told her. You are lucky.
The convict felt lucky when they showed up.
He was afraid she was going to continue to hurt him.
He was yelling for the cops to come and get him.
She said, “I’ve decked bigger men than him."
Her brothers saw her on TV and cheered.
Knowing they had done what they could
To keep their baby sister safe.
Feeling the pride of brothers.
The convict did not understand what had happened.
He had never had seven brothers.
Categories:
hogtied, brother,
Form: Prose Poetry
I'm working off my sins in the usual way,
A Cornish knight of no worship,
Languishing amid the aroma
Of easy women and open bets.
Don't tell the boss, but I'd do it for free
So long as the whiskey holds out
And the law don’t flower in the Dakotas.
After all, there’s harder ways to pay one’s bar bill
Than to play piano to a room full of tin-eared inebriates.
And arrogance never has been
An obstacle to my contentment.
One of the finer points to being a bad ass
Is knowing when to fight,
When to f*ck,
And when to go for your gun.
Can I play?
Hey Carolina, I’m gonna lay your sister down.
Hey Carolina, I’m gonna lay your sister down.
I’ll ride her hogtied on the buckboard
All the way to Yankton town.
Categories:
hogtied, allegory, western,
Form: Blank verse
Let’s take this outside
Your turn to be objectified
Necktied offside and brutified
Come step outside
Where you can no longer hide
Now you and me can collide
You’re worse than godzilla’s bride
Torpefied and vilified
Uglified, mean and evil-eyed
Always snide and undignified
Ringside, in your false pride
the eyes of Hitler recognized
Executing his genocide
Feeling justified nationwide
Lately I’ve been preoccupied
With thoughts of homicide
Accident by countryside
broadside you flip side
See you land in the fireside
For all the misery aside
you put me through - testified
Is your meanness really classified
I’m no longer taking it - qualified
I‘m no longer hiding it - quantified
No more excuses - are you satisfied?
Germicide and pesticide
Have you ever tried
To drink a ton of formaldehyde
To soften up your cowhide
Now we can go back inside
Your reign of terror on override
You’re toast and you’re fried
You’re been hogtied and humanified
Stupefied and rectified
Just as prophesized
Submitted on May 16, 2018 for contest 8-MILE STYLE POETRY CONTEST sponsored by NICK TRIM - RANKED 4TH
Categories:
hogtied, abuse, anger, anti bullying,
Form: Rhyme