Best Sweatpants Poems

The relay race starts with a bang as rain comes pouring down.
The starting runner, Spring, flies by in her bright flower crown.
Baton gets passed to Summer, who so glowingly appears
right at the very moment that the massive rain cloud clears.
The crowd all loves this golden...

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I went to my neighbors
To ask for a favor
And said may I borrow
Stuff I need tomorrow,
But she stopped me short
With this stunning retort:

“Do you need sugar cane
Drano for a clogged drain
Or perhaps some flour
Or did you lose power.”
I answered, “I just need…”
And she quickly agreed
Saying,...

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Where'd you go?
oh where did you go
my precious camel toe?

played me like a fiddle
with your bubbly middle
you're such a skanky hoe
but I love you so
camel toe
camel toe

we had magic
we had fire
purple sweatpants my desire
come back camel toe

victory! camel toe
you're the villain 
you're the winner
with your...

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I'm a mind raper
I'm a fine rapper
You'd better stay out of my way
Cause my nine's always strapped
Even on laundry day
Got my glock tucked in my sweatpants
Quarter cup of Tide® Enhance™
Roll up to the laundromat
You want yo titties autographed?...

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I am just finishing my morning meditation when I hear my doorbell ring. It actually sounds more like that buzzing sound you hear if you fry a fat fly on one of those electronic bug swatters. On my way to the door I hope it's...

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Daylight dies
Blackout the sky
Does anyone care
Is anyone there 
Enjoy this life 
Pop open a Sprite 
Roll over to the right and kiss my wife 
She's fast asleep
Daylight is trynna come 
It's trynna creep 
When she wakes up she feel the wetness of the kiss 
On...

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The house is burning 
With violent noise 
And red all-over.

I sit in the heat 
With a prayerful heart, 
That he would arrive. 

Superman in his
Spandex suit of hope
And cape of justice. 

I burrow inside
My mind to begin
A long wait with hope. 

Many minutes then
Days soon...

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on a field trip freshman year
the boy
in special classes walked 
up the muddy trail.
he
walked on the side,
balancing on the dry stones
aligning the path.
he followed some
acquaintances.
an old coat and
sweatpants with worn elastic
warmed his bones in the gray
mists. bus pass in his pocket
and a few coins, he...

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I look a sight!  And covering my skin
are old loose sweatpants I don’t ever wear
outside the house.  That means I’m staying in!
No lipstick. No mascara, and my hair
is tied back in a ponytail.  I need
to shower. It could use a good shampoo!
Instead,...

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One particularly memorable critic referred to me as a neckbeard in a conversation with a friend this morning. Both of the twats were skinny, pencil-head net-dweebs, the types who frequent cesspools such as reddit.com or 4chan.org. I observed that both geeks were clad in t-shirts...

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Tamera liked to run in the cold, on a whim she stopped by Woolworth and bought a package 
of hot tamale candies to eat after her run.  She loved having a reward for everything.  
Wearing her golden sweatpants Tamera decided to run laps,...

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I am the flower that lingers in your garden, fighting the ugly, prickly weeds that have choked the life and color from every other bloom.

I am a thick, downy coat that envelops you, providing the perfect barrier from icy winds of jealous betrayal and false...

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I was working out on the elliptical machine in the gym, feeling good and watching 
the "Calories Burnt" number climb higher and higher.

Then, I noticed a rather shapely and attractive woman step off of the machine two 
rows in front of me.  As she...

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Another true tom tale;

Not too long ago
I did really own
A pair of 
Fruit of the Loom briefs,
One detined to make me groan

For sure, it had,
Seen a better day,
And up until this time
I now surely wonder why
I did not throw the damn thing away...

See, I wore...

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Cartilage Cartridge Carthage

Spread my skin around your city limits

And sow these Dragon Teeth to reap my heart

Apple red lace, apple sweet lips, apple techie, apple allergy
Let's play Adam and Eve and make faces at the devil, because we own this Tree

My fingers plow the earth...

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