Mama

If mama could see me now, I’d say You’d be jumping for joy I used to stand tall on the old dusty chair next to the flower pot she used for an ash tray I’d tell her, mama those flowers won’t grow like that They need the dew drops that absorb the morning sun lights beams Hair pulled back into a braid, I'd jump from house hold object to object Playing kings and queens She’d walk by kicking up lint balls so big, I’d hold onto her feet, her sweatpants smelled of bad sex and old gin Cleaning wasn’t her religion she used to say Snow falling from her hand, is how I described it, I’d tried to pretend it was Christmas But everyone knows that the ash didn’t melt the same way Mama, I’d ask her, tell me stories of your life. Tears would run down her face as she cried all night I would sit there holding up grocery bags of bottles but I never got through to her The store tab was maxed out as they sold cigarettes and vodka for me to give to her They knew me there, my age and all She would just sit there yelling, Acrylic nails tapping on the fake wooden table Asking why I was late, and why my grades were unstable The bruises I didn’t ask for, I called them body art They twisted blue, green, and purple up and down my arm Mama I’d tell her, please sing me to sleep. She couldn’t hear me over the T.V and the new boyfriend that was passed out drunk as could be I got older as her habits got worse Then one day I left, silently into the night I thought I was free and I would never come back That’s my mama, I left all by herself. In the battle of demons with no way out Eventually I caved And would visit her periodically, braid her hair, we would converse But mama doesn’t hear me anymore, even less then before That car that she crashed into, left her brain dead with so many scars Mama I’d tell her, I’m getting married this week I cried when she asked who I was, then said I should leave I tried to give back, and pay what was owed to her A good place to stay, warm food and clothes She never gave any of these to me, But her past was a mess and her future was worse So what if she hurt me, My love for her always came first