Best Shaver Poems
Hey everyone... do you know what time it is!!!
It's time for The Jester Jack Comedy Hour
Brought to you by "Hair Today... Gone Tomorrow!"
The makers of fine electric shavers
Now I know what you're thinking, I have a beard
Why would I need an electric shaver
Well, I have very hairy arms and legs
A massive hairy chest and arm holes
As well as very bushy eyebrows and ear holes!
Now on to the show... have you heard this one
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
Give up???... A STICK!
Got a million of 'em
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana
Dum de um dum!
More? Okay...
Do not argue with an idiot... he will drag you down to his level
Then beat you with experience!
Here's another... graveyard workers really dig their jobs
A real groaner!
Da de da de da da... da de da de da da
Well that's all the time we have folks!
So be sure to tune in next time
To The Jester Jack Comedy Hour!
© Jack Ellison 2014
Categories:
shaver, humorous,
Form:
Narrative
Since time immemorial, or so I've heared,
Mankind has struggled to tame his beard.
Was it Adam who imposed upon us this atrocious curse?
(I reckon I could sport a beard but to that I am averse.)
I've scraped and nicked my mug fer nigh on four-score years,
So I will share my shaving experience to educate my peers.
First, splash a generous supply of soapy water on yer kisser,
So as to arouse the attention of each and every whisker.
Apply a liberal amount of Burma Shave to ease the stress,
When with that wicked razor blade yer jowls you do caress.
Twist yer schnoz at an acute angle in order to shave below the nose,
Taking care not to nick yer double chins and any problems that may pose.
Once this onerous task is done, use toilet tissue to heal the bloody nicks,
Then apply a liberal amount of Old Spice to really impress the chicks!
(I must confess that I use an electric shaver to mow my intractable stubble.
'Tis so much smoother on my leathery hide and sure is a lot less trouble!)
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) 2014 All Rights Reserved
Categories:
shaver, humorous, , memorial, ,
Form:
Rhyme
Take This Stinking Keyboard And Shove It
(Tribute to Johnny Paycheck)
Take this stinking keyboard and shove it
I ain't awritin' here no damn more.
Gone is my inspiration, O' how I loved it
damn it flew right out the back door!
My muse, she done left me in a hard pinch
with another unfinished score.
Wicked her anger and she don't give an inch
no matter how hard I implore.
Last night her fleeing with my heartaches
she dared called me "poetic bore".
I write and rewrite, no matter how many takes
my poems still hit the damn floor!
So take this damn old pen and just shove it
I ain't penning here no more.
Gone is the ardor, O' how I dearly loved it
down so very deep in my core.
My muse, she done ran away all ascreamin'
raced away to a foreign shore.
This is a damn nightmare, I ain't adreamin'
never been this damn bad before!
Take this stinking keyboard and shove it
I ain't awritin' here no damn more.
Gone is my inspiration, O' how I loved it
damn it flew right out the back door!
Robert J. Lindley, 10-25-2015
Note : Tribute given to Johnny Paycheck, for his version
of , "Take This Job and Shove It" , with additional tribute
to the musical genius , singer/songwriter David Allan Coe ..
(1.)- Johnny Paycheck
Donald Eugene Lytle (May 31, 1938 – February 19, 2003),
better known by his stage name Johnny Paycheck,[1] was
an American country music singer, multi-instrumentalist
and Grand Ole Opry member most famous for recording the
David Allan Coe song "Take This Job and Shove It". He
achieved his greatest success in the 1970s as a major
force in country music's "Outlaw Movement" popularized
by artists such as David Allan Coe, Waylon Jennings,
Willie Nelson, Billy Joe Shaver, and Merle Haggard.
In the 1980s, his music career slowed for drug, alcohol
and legal problems. He served a prison sentence in the
early 1990s and his declining health effectively ended
his career in early 2000.
Categories:
shaver, art, poetry, song, tribute,
Form:
Lyric
I feel bad that you all got to stand on my path for your livelihood said sandy, Sandy will be less harmless in the days ahead. Sandy is glad to have a short life span. Sand is trying as much as possible to give you folks only the crumbs of her majesty cruelty. The peace and progress of this wonderful nation is too much, we shall never reduce it to minimum .
I regret why I brought rush into your quiet lives. Sandy regret why she brought pains into your lives. Sandy regret why she put sorrows into your lives. I regret why I brought tears into your lives. Sandy is just a tourist. My coming is sudden my departure is so sudden.
Sandy you brought down all our lifetime achievements but thank for given us a second chance. Sandy you brought tears into our hearts. Sandy you brought blood into our eyes. Sandy whiles us. We will be firmed to pick up shattered pieces impose on us by you when you will be far gone. Bye sandy.
Sand you make me shaver, you make me fear Sandy. Sand you make the trees and buildings of the nation capital tremble as if it was the capital of the unbrave. I will not be ashamed to start all over again dear Sandy, we almost love you only if we will not see you again so soon bye sandy. Sandy we known we have been stung by your wicked venom but we will over come it Sandy.
I will tell my cousin Katarina not to frequent come on land again but both of us are still storbbone said Sandy. If Human Beings were borne educated our society will be a very perfect one said Sandy. Sandy our subways will go better than ever. Sandy we promise to keep a fatherly eye on you dear. Bye san…
Categories:
shaver, love, natural disasters, me,
Form:
Prose Poetry
Moving from left to right Cancer day and night Cancer the day heaven
Witnessed the pain women experiencing, suck their bellies the chemotherapy
Machines drank hundred thousand souls shaver from their hearts personifies by the scent of Cancer.
The air we breathe break to air pollution because of Cancer, the scent of
Imagination polluted by cancer they can't deny death is everywhere because of Cancer people lost their happiness to cancer.
The day earth descends to call upon you were aback serial killer
I blame you for denying my generation to smell pure air, you're too bad to
Take innocent souls from us, why you allow us nagging at you, don't you
Ashamed how invincible you are, look how ugly you're in my imagination.
I preferred to see you suck any
Individuals that banks our resources to foreign bank accounts, the
Thundering of Cancer may padlock his mouth; I know you're so powerful of drinking their imagination to maggots
People were happy in there, gardens until they heard about you, you torn
Thousands life apart to concept of apartheid, you denied us the opportunity
To lactates our kids then the breasts of women no longer the pyramid of Egypt the smile on your face rouged our destiny to languish under bigger chemotherapy machines, because of Cancer to cashew taste the limbs you took away never forgiven you.
Mind you Mr. Cancer to our coffers are empty you aren't right to leave these
Greedy individuals from escaping our lands passing through your mouth open without catching their brains, their actions are greater than Adolf Hitler wall.
The freedom you jeopardize to prosthetic Cancer to innocent guts cries
In silent pain to itself, you attacked that person indefinitely as well you
Control their hope no more to smile with friends or siblings under your
Sandal and you continue weeding their hope from recuperation.
Categories:
shaver, angst, leaving, lonely,
Form:
ABC
Where does the money subtly go?
every month it simply disappears;
a bit here, forth to and fro
a bit there too, oh! my dear!
My ciggs' are under much control
they don't tax me a hundred fold;
i can't believe the things i've sold
so where in fact, does the money go?
Just yesterday the price of fuel went up
petrol's hike is understood;
i can accept this much enough
i also spend on drinks and food.
i buy a shaver once a month
that's normal, it keeps me very smart;
even loans i get, is put up front
i don't eat pancakes or even tarts!
My shoes are only bought once a year
they last me thru' the harshest time;
my socks and buttons are all not dear
my budget should suit me very fine.
So then i look into the bucket list
lo! and behold! the car repairs;
they weigh a ton, i cannot miss
all used up once, that seems unfair.
So now i know where the money goes
it's maintenance and much of car parts;
no more mystery, the money flows
away from me, that breaks my heart!
Categories:
shaver, appreciation, growing up,
Form:
Rhyme
Oh Arise!
the city with wonderful natural resources
country where all are loyals
Country where peace and unity are our watchwords
leaders are serving in good manners
masters and servants are truthful to themselves
in seeing each other as brothers and sisters
children future are care for in parents' hands
fundamental human rights lives
country where thou gripe corruptions
education is the greatest for all of us
Oh Arise!
suddenly you become a changer
country where no one wants to be truster
what a quarter!
servant is not trustworthy to master
helpless is useless to the helper
parent is not faithful to the shaver
thy children are not surer
everyone now become a gamer
when will the future be brighter?
corruption reignth in thy pastoral
Oh Arise!
thy lie is thy precision
peace and unity is not fashion
fundamental human rights in consumption
shedding of blood is thy ambition
not even planning for the next generation
frivolous has taken our education
to be educated is not for misappropriation
different between truth and lie is truth use you intuition
let us try to be positive exception
arise to the positive direction
Oh Arise! to peace and justice oh ye nation
Oh Arise!
Categories:
shaver, africa, analogy, birth, black
Form:
Free verse
"Waltz Across Texas With Me"
Comes violining through my mind.
I may be the only one in the world
With background music of that kind.
Ever since I was a little shaver
The background music's been there
But when I mention it to others
They just raise an eyebrow and stare.
It's not like I'm looking for it
It just melodies in unbidden
A secret source, a covert concert,
The rhyme and the reason are hidden.
Sometimes it was kind of funny
From times now past and gone
For in battle it was the William Tell Overture
Exciting me, urging me on.
The Colonel Bogey March
And Richard Wagner's War Horses,
The music always appropriate
And I never wondered the sources.
But mostly these days the music has changed
And I'm hearing a lot of hymns.
This old machine is getting older
And I'm running on the rims.
I thank God for the background music
That lifts me above the herds.
So if you hear a humming sound,
Relax, I just forgot the words.
by E. Marshall Evans
Categories:
shaver, music,
Form:
Quatrain
When I was a child, I used to love comics, they made me laugh
There was a strip called Desert Island Dick, this was my fav
He lived on a small Island several yards across with a solitary palm tree
He always sat looking dishevelled as he stared out to sea
Dick had a full beard and was always fishing with a stick and line while sat on a crate
I used to imagine I was Dick, I loved his lifestyle, I thought it was great
It never crossed my mind to wonder how Dick survived long enough to grow that beard
He never had nothing to eat or come to think of it any fresh water, its weird
Dick's only true companion a small octopus called Olly and a seagull
Who flew in now and again when dick caught a fish, he knew he would get a belly full
Dick spent his time trying to attract attention to passing ships by climbing up the palm
But it never worked they were always just out of site on the horizon always calm
The comic book man person, writer must have been a sadist, I think
To leave poor Dick all alone and sad in the drink
Nothing ever went right for Poor Dick, he always looked sad
But every now and then a crate would drift ashore and I was glad
Unfortunately Dick never had a break, it would always be something that he could not use, inside
that crate
Like a bicycle which would obviously be a tandem and built for two people to ride upon
Plus his Island was about twenty five foot long, so a bicycle there was once again wrong
Or a wood cutters double handed saw, which would once again be no good for one
Anyway Dick had nothing to cut, except his palm tree and he needed that to climb up, to look out to sea
Just once, Dick found one thing that he thought he could use and look grand, unfortunately he had no power to plug that electric shaver to, on his Island
When I grew out of comic book strips, I used to think about poor Dick and his fate
I hope Dick got rescued at some point before it was too late
To the comic book, man, writer I send this plea, from a child going back in time, to thee
Please write into the script that Poor Dick gets rescued from the sea, for me
Categories:
shaver, boat, character,
Form:
Dear Robert
I'm enclosing the warranty
for your shaver In case
anything should happen
I've circled the address
where to bring it
Dad still isn't feeling
well and is going
this week to the doctor I can't
imagine
what can be wrong -
but I'm really getting concerned
Oh!
by the way
did you mail
that letter
to the bank
I hope
so
Today
we are going to a wake
for Phyllis Spina.
She died
on Saturday -
acute leukemia.
Your brothers are fine
they're off -
Yom Kippur
All else is
okay Love
Mom
Categories:
shaver, brother, cancer, dad, hope,
Form:
Verse
Goodbyes, they seem to consume me
Too often in my life
People are departing and friends moving on
And yesterday was another
To a friend that I loved
Who loved me back
That I know.
And my hurting is so great
Like I have lost a child
And the tears flow freely
As I hold on to memories.
He was my dog,
And you might laugh
He was my friend
And he had my heart
He was so faithful
And he never complained
He was a part of me
I’ll never be the same
He was getting old
And his legs where failing
Sometimes he would fall
And he couldn’t get up
He would bark for me
To lend him a hand
And with that smile in his eyes
He would thank me again.
I didn’t want him to suffer
And I didn’t want him gone
The decision was so hard
I kept putting it off and on
But then came yesterday
And I knew that it was too long
And I wasn’t being fair
To leave him was wrong
I called him and he came
And I put him in the car
And I took him to the vet
He just trusted me so much
He followed along
Just like a lamb
I wonder if he knew
Just what I had planned
I told the vet
What I wanted done
He said it was for the best
The dog was not very strong
He took out his shaver
And he clipped off some hair
Then bought out the needle
With green stuff in there
He checked with me once
And asked if I was right
I nodding my head
Didn’t trust my voice
And slowly and carefully
He slipped in the point
And pressed on the plunger
And the green stuff went home
That dog did not whimper
Not any sound at all
He lay there so trusting
He looked like a saint
Then suddenly he slumped
And the needle was spent
The vet checked his heartbeat
And said it was gone.
I loved him, I loved him
And I miss him so much
I hope that his happy
In the new world that his at
No more pain for that dear dog
No more fear
No more falls
No more thunder to scare him
No more pain in his joints
No more visions he can’t see
No more sounds he can’t hear
No more knowing in this world
He can’t do what he could.
I love you my Teddy dog
You where such a good friend
And I wish you the very best
In this new world where you’ve gone
I hope you’ll forgive me
For the end that you had
And hope that you know Ted
I loved you so much.
I LOVE YOU TEDDY
GOODBYE MY DEAR FRIEND
Categories:
shaver, animals, loss, sad, me,
Form:
Free verse
I can still smell the disease,
and feel the starvation that brought me to my knees,
I didn't know where my family went,
In every direction us Jews were sent,
I still remeber the feeling of the shaver against my head,
And hoping everyday it wasn't my turn to be dead,
There was always the smell of death in the air,
And lonely cries at night claiming "this isn't fair",
The Nazis were sons of the devil,
They wanted everyone at their thinking level,
You could never go against them or ask them why?,
Or it would be your turn next to die,
We had to fufill their every demands,
Because our lives were in Hitlers' hands,
I remeber when I got off the crowded train,
I had terrifying thought bleeding through out my brain,
They sent me to the right,
I was so scared that I didn't fight,
To the left my family was sent,
I watched as Jewish bodies hit the cement,
I could not believe my eyes,
I didn't have time to let out any cries,
Because I was already getting lead and shoved,
But I could only think of the ones i loved,
Every camp was full of dying Jews,
They took everything, even our shoes,
I later found out right meant life and left ment death,
I'll always miss my mother father, and brother Seth,
I still wonder why I was chosen to live,
When my family had so much more to give,
How could one person do this to a whole race,
But in the end he's the disgrace,
In the camps we hardly got any water or food,
And the guards to us were beyond rude,
They beat us with clubs and whips,
It was actually worse than the movie clips,
We were a bunch of animals in one big cage,
Most of us filled with vengeance, fear or rage,
As you probably guess I am a holocaust survivor,
I witnessed first hand that Hitler was a manipulator and conniver,
This is a situation no one should go through,
And that's why I shared my story with you.
Categories:
shaver, historyfamily, family, me,
Form:
Rhyme
A single word is branded into the fresh snow in urine.
'Memoriam'
Over the crest of a barren hill covered in winter's dowry,
there is a brown form huddled over a burning tire,
shivering alone.
Curse this thing and the roundabout landscape he formed not in oils or watercolors,
but in reality
curse him.
He sketches himself so clever amongst all creatures
so chivalric
so noble and wise.
but there is no electric shaver here
no Ipod or toilet paper.
one would imagine he has not long to live.
Wait.
Wait just a minute now,
he has fashioned a sling, to hunt I presume.
Now a spear, how quaint.
And now he has a rifle.
And where does this glorious quest for fire lead?
It hardly matters.
Here he breathes and kills and breeds, here but for the gods themselves to see...
A broken man,
last child bred of a split isotope.
Categories:
shaver, science, science fiction
Form:
Free verse
Dedicated To:
Marion Shaver
You've been thrown quite a curve ball
blindsided by your terminal size amount of pain.
You have already lost so much, what is left,
just the many questions is all that remains.
Life is one big lesson,
everyday we have something new we must have to learn.
Your life lesson today is strength,
as a favor, here's a little extra to you in return.
You are a much stronger woman than you realize,
close your eyes and dig deep down inside.
Remember the Lord is always there for you,
standing strong at your side.
Life is extremely precious,
live it one day at a time.
The Lord will be there if you need him to carry you,
up the highest mountian you could climb.
Categories:
shaver, confusion, depression, family,
Form:
Bio
A Little Boy’s World
By Curtis Johnson
When I was a little boy, I was always well behaved. Well, most of the time.
Being honest and respectful is the way I was raised; not to be mean, but nice and kind. I don’t know why, but I was withdrawn a lot, very quiet, emotions in a cave; but mostly, I stayed in line. I had lots of family and friends that God freely gave, and all kinds of food on which to dine.
In my home town, some roads and streets were paved, but most were dusty and gravel ones, with no street sign. There were lots of little things so treasured and divine; like loving to watch my father when he shaved. Perhaps I was looking forward to the day when the boy would become a man, and daddy’s shaver would become my own. Whether I was right or wrong, grandma always came to my aid.
There have always been wonderful grandmas, but I think none as great as mine.
The love I experienced, I could never trade; But there was another world beyond my family and friend; A dark world with enough hate to blow your mind. But that's a story of a different kind.
But God and my folks put love in us; and out of hate, we were never made
My two-faced world was still among the best worlds one could ever find.
There were things of which to be afraid , and I was not that brave. But it always paid to be aware of what was out there, and fear was not a crime.
There was never much money to spend and none to save, but we didn’t whine, and somehow we managed just fine
Categories:
shaver, america, beauty, blessing, childhood,
Form:
Prose