Best Heimlich Poems

In times like this it’s pertinent to stroke the longest cord
for hummer is impertinent and seldom brings discord.
Each slippery politician who runs yelling, “Come on Board!”
is asking for some hummer from constituents lapboards.

He wants them on their knees paying, for taxing fills his hoard
Just a...

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Limericks VI - Religion

Pell-Mell for Hell Mel
by Michael R. Burch

There once was a Baptist named Mel
who condemned all non-Christians to hell.
When he stood before God
he felt like a clod
to discover His Love couldn’t fail!



Why I Left the Religious Right
by Michael R. Burch

He's got Jesus's name...

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Bumped into a friend
just yesterday
I was driving my car
and she got in the way

She said nothing was broken
the impact was minor
Mostly bruises and cuts
and a pretty good shiner

I took her to breakfast
and told her a joke
She was laughing so hard
she started to choke

I gave her...

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Hiding in the bushes he waits to pounce,
he enjoys Goobers and Gobstoppers, right to the very last ounce.
He might settle for a Snickers or even a Kit Kat,
he’s black, shiny and sneaky this Halloween Cat.

He may cross your path and give you quite a fright,
but...

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He choked and died quick
No one there knew the Heimlich
Physician and friend...

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Twas the night before Christmas, up in the North Pole
The pressure of the season was taking its toll
Deadlines and long hours were causing some stress
“Some” might be an understatement. They were a mess

The elves were on strike, marching angrily outside
Chanting, “Save elves on shelves” and...

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It was work week in boot camp. I had a bad cold.
I was working with two sailors, preparing desserts.
I ate a cherry off one dessert. 

CHERRY CHOKEHOLD

the cherry chokehold
acute asphyxiation
black curtain climax
i’m fascinated
unexpectedly unafraid

heimlich births
a hapless cough

i return to my barracks
my life saved
my hero unnamed
unappreciated...

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Im stillen Kornfeld dort,
wo sie verborgen lag,
des Schnitters Sense,
da liegt jetzt sein Grab.
Und nur der Wind
verweht das letzte Wort,
das niemand mehr vernehmen mag.

Bezwinge deine Seele
und stiehl dich heimlich fort.
Damit nicht Angst dich quäle 
an jenem stillen Ort.

Die Hoffnung gibt dir Flügel
und leiht dir auch ihr...

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Death tried to snatch my young life several years ago.
He came uninvited, and gave an ominous hello.
My husband and I were having dinner on a warm summer night,
Then something happened to give us both quite a fright.

Steak became lodged in my throat in the blink...

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I’m a-starting to *pavo tremble
this time of year
From all of the oven symbols
rack-et I hear

I’m a seasoned Mestizo pheasant,
best strutting actress
in the whole Oaxaca alfalfa field

But I’m beginning to feel a bite unpleasant,
putting on my best plumage dress
Nervously a-wait the cleaver applause build

Henpeck been the...

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Limericks
by Michael R. Burch



Clyde Lied!
by Michael R. Burch

There once was a mockingbird, Clyde,
who bragged of his prowess, but lied.
To his new wife he sighed,
"When again, gentle bride?"
"Nevermore!" bright-eyed Raven replied.



The Platypus
by Michael R. Burch

The platypus, myopic,
is ungainly, not erotic.
His feet for bed
are over-webbed,
and what of...

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Limericks III - Grab Bag

Being a peace activist, I once wrote a limerick in an attempt to stop needless wars:

Of Tetley’s and V-2's
(or "Why Not to Bomb the Brits")
by Michael R. Burch

The English are very hospitable,
but tea-less, alas, they grow pitiable ...
or pitiless, rather,
and quite...

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'Twas the night before Christmas and I was waiting for a blind date
He never showed, I decided to leave as it was getting very late
I downed my wine and quickly ate the burger left cold on my plate
I started choking on the burger, now feeling...

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Limericks I - Relatives and Relativity

The Cosmological Constant
by Michael R. Burch

Einstein, the frizzy-haired,
said E equals MC squared.
Thus all mass decreases
as activity ceases?
Not my mass, my a$$ declared!


A$$-tronomical
by Michael R. Burch

Relativity, the theorists’ creed,
says mass increases with speed.
My (m)a$$ grows when I sit it.
Mr. Einstein, get...

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Poems about Poems (I)



What the Poet Sees
by Michael R. Burch

What the poet sees,
he sees as a swimmer
~~~underwater~~~
watching the shoreline blur
sees through his breath’s weightless bubbles...
Both worlds grow obscure.



Muse/Goddess
by Michael R. Burch

“What will you conceive in me?”
I asked her. But she
only smiled.

“Naked, I bore your child
when...

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