Best Guano Poems
Farewell, then, AUKN boss,
The next this year makes three.
By the time they find a substitute,
Slovenes will be at sea.
He tried to cover his behind;
AUKN boss of bosses,
As every week, balances grew bleak:
He weighed merits and losses.
With all this he'd no time to eat,
And round and round he flew.
And now he's split in a hissy-fit;
So helmsman, too-de-loo!
Day after day, day after day,
He drifted on the ocean;
Guano-vernment rained on his ship
Their suggestions for promotion.
Cousins, cousins, everywhere,
Corporate boards crosslink;
Cousins, cousins, everywhere,
Let's take you for a drink.
Accountants talking rot: O Christ!
Missions, visions - oh please!
Yea, slimy characters need legs
And slimy policies.
So has he done an hellish thing?
Not hired who? We dunno:
Was it absurd, to have a separate curd
From the whey Slovenia owes?
This wretch won't play, after 60 days;
Pissflaps, he'll have to go!
God help ya, gospod Bencina
From the fiends, that plague us thus! -
It's time to go — shot like cross-bow,
The AUKN boss.
Ah! walk-out day! what evil looks
Had I from Ernst and Young!
Who's at a loss? AUKN's boss
Wouldn't take a bung?
"You'll be" quoth one, "abolished - no
Stigma to double-cross."
He chose to go - why? We don't know:
Harmless AUKN boss.
Re-reading the original gave me a great idea for dinner until I realised all the storks have all flapped off to Africa for the winter. Pity, as I have some ancient marinade from Tuš. Like the subject of the poem, I didn't have the stamina for a Coleridge-length effort.
Story: http://www.sloveniatimes.com/total-mess-in-state-owned-capital-asset-management
The National Poet Of Slovenia In A Language People Understand interprets important Slovenian affairs for the non-Slovene speaking world. www.maria.si
Categories:
guano, absence, allegory, analogy, animal,
Form:
Ballad
***Crazy Menagerie***
I definitely bit off more than I could chew,
when I came a-running to my friend's rescue
He said it was no big deal, a real snooze actually
to just please, please look after his cutie menagerie
He said everything was pretty much self-explanatory
just feel at home, and relax...he sure was being sneaky!
I thought the word "menagerie" was just an exaggeration,
but goodness me, I almost fainted when I was greeted by a python!
He just lay there by the foyer, quite snug as a bug on the rug
So I carefully stepped over it, and planned to make tea for my mug
I headed to the kitchen, when I heard something go squeak! squeak!
What was that? I wondered, then I let out a bloodcurdling shriek!
It flew right over my head, yikes, another one got me all panicky
My eyes bugged out as I realized that he had a couple of paniki*!!
I went rushing out the kitchen and ran straight into an aquarium
No cool fishies here, just mousies out of equilibrium
They were jumping up and down now, trying to escape
when I heard a suspicious grunt, it sounded like an ape!!
I was so scared to search for it, but curiosity won out
So I opened doors and cabinets, when I ran smack into a snout!
Ewwwww, I just realized that I just kissed an ugly pig!
I then remembered he kept one to go on truffle digs!
He said he had a cat though? Where were the common pets?
Ah, there it is; here, kitty, kitty, when I saw it was a ferret!
It was doing this weird dance, it hopped then bumped into me
I wigged out, then stepped right on the tail of that poor kitty!!
It lunged at me and I fell back onto aquarium glass
of course it had to teeter totter and I was too late, alas!!
It just hit the marble floor, then I heard that sickening crash
Mousies all over me!!! Shook my head till I got whiplash
The cat was now scratching me, I was screaming 'till my throat was sore,
This was a total nightmare, that snake was blocking that damn door!!
My eyes were like leaking faucets, I had thick tears, I didn't know?
When I wiped off my cheeks, I found out it was icky guano!!
Boohoo, sniffle, snuffle--am I never getting out of here?!?
Dang Chris says he'll be back in a week, will just drown myself in beer.
* paniki=bats
** for Sharon's Pet-sit Panics contest
Categories:
guano, adventure, animals, funnycat, me,
Form:
Rhyme
The Flies and the Bees
The sun has risen and set; another season has been resolved
and many acts of aggression that might never be absolved
No podium will be awarded for the deletion of kick the can
Unfortunately, we all now see, the true measure of that man
There are bees and there are flies, both buzz around the skirt
The bees work hard for honey, but the flies just love the dirt
Bees help pollinate, they make our world thrive and grow
Flies are filthy creatures that crave and lust for guano
Bees are essential for life, without them we all would die
Unfortunately, that’s not the case for the nasty little fly
The bee is well respected and works to save our land
The fly is just a nuisance, so keep your swatter close at hand.
Categories:
guano, analogy,
Form:
Rhyme
A penguin said to a grey seal
“ Trumps tariffs they cannot be real,
Cos there’s nowt here but poo
Turds pooped by me by you
He’s welcome to give THAT a feel”
Seal pondered then said, “That Trump guy
Is trouble, I’m not gonna lie
He may be the POTUS
But he’s hoodwinked all voters
To thinking that penguins can fly”
“Trumps tariffs are a real disgrace
Perhaps you should blast into space
Fly down to the White House
When you spot Trump the louse
Poop guano on his orange face”
Categories:
guano, america, animal, conflict, humorous,
Form:
Limerick
Go on break its heart, don't be shy, ask it why
was it said in that way and not another?
Or maybe why the hell you even said that anyway?
A poem enters a boxing ring
gets beaten up, yet in the end
the loser is a winner,
the pummeling has changed its shape.
A seagull poops on your head,
kind of funny, everyone grins.
An eighteen-wheeler jackknives,
no one is hurt, poop does not kill,
but you're a poet, some kind of genius,
so you write about slippery bird guano
on a wet road,
a truck hydroplaning,
cars bursting into flames,
a trucker dying of colon cancer
long after that fatal accident.
Misery and joy must be manipulated
then handcuffed together.
You publish the deranged thing -
your mistake,
it's just another aberration of your nervous system.
Then you wait for some wiseass
to tear it apart,
and it serves you right.
Categories:
guano, poetry,
Form:
Free verse
Lurking amongst shabby, impenetrable, undergrowth,
cloistered effigy is sheltered from casual view,
languishing, neglected, forgotten... but content.
No longer possessing a name; no longer serving a purpose;
whatever inscription once etched thereupon is
long-since faded, lost to the whimsical wisps of time.
In bygone years, its bronze cheeks would be flushed;
embarrassed, apologetic even, for its very existence.
Wriggled under the weight of myriad strangers' eyes,
recoiled from attempts to elicit illicit secrets,
perennial trepidation of exposure to ridicule.
But that was in the past... before the truth was embraced.
It can no more alter who it is than it can deter
the sun from setting, dissuade the tides from rising
or discourage the Earth from spinning on its axis.
And it has no wish to do so.
Feathered vermin perched atop its head defecate,
careless and carefree, contributing to the
guano collage caked on its carved countenance;
the similitude is not lost on it.
So it sits... silent and unobtrusive; stoic but stalwart:
the epitome of art imitating life imitating art.
Languishing, neglected, forgotten... but content.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Written 1 September 2017
Entered in "A Poem I Wrote and Sent Drifting" Contest, sponsored by Broken Wings (judged 11 October 2017).
(7th Place)
Originally for "Artwork" Contest (judged 6 September 2017)
Categories:
guano, analogy, art, character, growth,
Form:
Personification
being number one
wiggles underneath the rock
a spade descends
being number two
hides behind the rock
a foot falls
being number three
lays on top of the flat rock
skin to stone
being number four
perches atop the rock
shells crack
being number six
flies over the rock
guano falls
*who are the beings [do you see them in your head? I didn't tell you!]
**how big is the rock [did you see it in your head? I didn't tell you.]
*** how did what happen, happen? in line 3 did you see it in your head?
**** haiku and senryu are in the moment verses which require
showing not telling and the bulk of the poem is always in the readers mind
not the poets pen.
Categories:
guano, life, perspective,
Form:
Senryu
Points Above and Below the Line
(Enea Canonises Catherine of Siena)
It's not a thing we go for any more,
that hierarchy malarkey, but in fact
the medieval mind set mega store
by stairs and ladders. All things interact,
and therefore can be neatly classified.
(There's endless fun in drawing up these lists!)
The lowest rung is "is", all pride aside:
a rock is "est", because it just exists.
Your jellyfish can breathe and reproduce,
so up we go: it wins a badge named "vivit".
An antelope can feel, get scared, hang loose,
so "sentit" is the title we can give it.
So living, then, is better than existing,
and feeling better still. Take Esther Blodgett.
She's capable of pouting, outing, twisting --
so humans come out tops again, with "cogit".
So all these so's, I hear you say: so what?
Well, what if humans almost reach "divine"?
Suppose there's something Esther Blodgett's got
that takes her over life's Dividing Line?
"Sublunary" means "underneath the moon".
"Diurnal" means "divided, night and day".
(Now, please don't chafe: the point is coming soon.)
Below the line means "subject to decay".
The moon was key for medieval man,
because it marked the mortal azimuth --
Above, eternal, there since time began:
below, corrupt, unwholesome, marked for death.
And now we come to Pius, making saints.
There's Catherine of Siena, looking flirty:
They must have used an awesome box of paints -
The chick had been a corpse since thirteen-thirty.
Above, the Pope, the Cardinals and Kate.
Below, the groundlings watching it go down.
Above, all spirit, high, inviolate:
below, all bulging groin and earthy brown.
If Kate was Sienese, that's nepotism?
Why ain't he canonizing Capistrano?
It's all to do with black and brown and schism.
Dominicans are gold, the others guano.
Franciscans are Heart,
Dominicans are Brain.
Franciscans use Love,
Dominicans use Pain.
Franciscans are Italy,
Dominicans are Spain.
Categories:
guano,
Form:
Quatrain
Adventures in the underground
did that grow up or down
Light on my head starring into the dark
what a funny word to be called as I imbark
Could it be because I tread water and guano up to my knees
or the sound I would make if I took a wrong step aiiee
Like an aztec two steps which way do I go
looking across the vast pothole
As I am pitching and squeezing back to the top
I am know speleologist but has any one seen the cave cop
I can see the light of day from this cavern
maybe next time let's just talk about it at the tavern
For I am filthy and dirty but not the word
maybe only to a caver if you have not heard
Categories:
guano, adventure, funny, nature, places,
Form:
Couplet
11/22/16
Got to get that cheese pronto
Those that talked guano
Got hit with an uppercut combo
mano a mano
I had a dog named Bronco
And landlords named Helga and Poncho
Knew this lady that lived in a condo
And worked at Costco
Cargo
Being shipped worldwide, even garbanzo
Jane and John Doe
Still trying to win the lotto
Roads smooth or full of potholes
Article after article on Monsanto
Business and vacation trips to Cabo
Valuable art pieces done by Picasso
He wanted a Gallardo and she wanted a Murcielago
Beauty can be seen from Lake Tahoe to way beyond Morocco
Regardless of it is or is not in a grotto
I like a lot of music from the DMV and Chicago
Songs made with many instruments such as the bongo
On any fish, beef or chicken taco
I'll stack toppings like cheese, tomato, sour cream and avocado
Girl didn't know how to cook anything including nachos
She called me el diablo
But never el chapo
At the end of this they're going to hate, or congratulate and say bravo
By: Dalton Ogletree
Categories:
guano, poetry, rap, word play,
Form:
Rhyme
Antibacchic Meter
Deep cave, stalactites, stalagmites adorn thy black hollows where
flowstone with cave made gems lie like pearls placed by far sea oysters.
White colored calcite runs grace thy walls, limestone tubes yea show here.
You seem sphere alone having wetsome ever present old moistures.
See thy huge chambers lie draped in a velvet lined darkness.
Bright lights are wired high to show way down steep climbs, stairs made by man.
Daylight has no place in thy cold depths' seen utter bleak darkness.
I try to paint awesome sight; neither nice speech nor fine lines can.
Freetail bats use cave as home hanging most high from domes' ceilings.
Seen by all they leave their lone sanctum late seeking live insects.
Aye, piles of guano sell, so many make wise astute dealings.
These sage men make countless guano treks; they mine, not one objects.
Strange twisted shapes made of calcite, helicite reflect thy will.
A quiet deep darkness, guano and Freetail bats show eyes still.
Categories:
guano, nature,
Form:
Sonnet
OLIVE LOVED THE BUTTER CREAM SAUCE
Olive loved the butter cream sauce but she was very slim
Once-over from her doctor Dicey “You should only dream”
Olive dreamt a honey lake
Shake’s frozen custard, and cake
But they tasted guano shake doctor was a fatty scream
OLIVE LOVED THE BUTTER CREAM SAUCE ©rajat kanti chakrabarty November 2014
Categories:
guano, fun, nonsense,
Form:
Limerick
THE LEAF HAS FALLEN
From its highest beauty place,
The sunrise and the sunset, nothing was missing,
Light rains, warm airs, indeed there was no gales,
How did you fall?
From being cured,
The love and the joy, fighting not,
Time, space, certainly there was no ignorance,
Why did you fall?
The season came, immediately strong wind blows you away,
Burning sun forays, in due cause you shrank,
Heavy rain parted us, instantly you were on the ground,
Don’t you think the soil will erode?
Be there for a while, sooner or later you’ll be my guano,
Deep down, through my roots you’ll become my leaf again.
Categories:
guano, heartbroken, lost love,
Form:
Sonnet
"Give Me Your Tired" posted 7 Jun 2021
i'd join the morning person's club except their meetings start before noon
early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and beat
they make clocks to tell me when to get up i need one to tell me why
a bicycle cannot stand up by itself because it is two-tired
my wife got tired of hearing my zodiak puns it taurus apart
teen's concept of an early bird: one who wakes up at the break of noon
[humor attribution - all humor found online, sources unknown]
"Just Asking (part III)" posted 14 Jun 2021
wow, is that an optical illusion or am I just seeing things?
why does the sun on the raisin bran cereal box wear sunglasses?
why are wise men and wise guys considered opposites of each other?
when styrofoam companies ship their product what do they pack it in?
if swimming is so great for the figure then how do you explain whales?
how does the person who drives the snowplow get to work in the morning?
[humor attribution - all humor found online, sources unknown]
"It's All In A Name" posted 21 Jun 2021
i visited a new dating website in Prague they call it ~ Czech Mate ~
there's a new contraceptive on the market it's called ~ i kid you not ~
my vote for the best beauty parlor name of all time ~ curl up and dye ~
good name for an ultra-conservative fashion boutique ~ clothes minded ~
maybe you shouldn't name your brand new restaurant ~ eater's digest ~
perhaps this plumbing company is worth a gamble ~flush or full house~
[humor attribution: #2 and #5 Edmo Snord, #3 and #6 are actual company names I've seen, others found online of unknown origin]
"Random Brain Guano (part III)" posted 28 Jun 2021
children are hereditary if your folks had none, neither will you
the best remedy for your bad memory is milk of amnesia
buy your valentine a bikini it's the least you can do for her
i tried making a belt out of watches it was a big waist of time
my toddler kept chewing on electrical cords so I grounded him
sometimes Bigfoot is confused with Sasquatch Yeti doesn't seem to mind
Categories:
guano, humor,
Form:
Monoku
nocturnal clicking
flying spirited and free
tiny guano drops
Categories:
guano, animal,
Form:
Haiku