Best Funnywater Poems
Here's a tale I've told before
From when I was a teen
The subject at the time was sore
For I caused quite a scene!
Had a brand-new bathing suit
My first bikini ever
I figured I looked mighty cute
And that was my endeavor!
Up the high dive I did go
Winking at the guys
Time to give them all a show
Bending legs and thighs
Diving off the board I went
Far as I could take it
One way my body was sent
Bikini didn't make it!
Off it flew into the air
And left a naked me
Falling to the water there
For all the world to see
So embarrassed my face was flushed
Gone was little Miss Sassy
In the water I stayed and blushed
Humiliated lassie!
** for contest "Reconsidering Laughter" sponsored by Desiree Birdseye
Sink or Swim?
I never learned how to swim at all
I was young and fell in as I recall
I was frightened of water after that
And reacted to water just like a cat
I never had chance to swim in the sea
I wish I could but that isn’t me
I go to a pool try to stay afloat
But I am afraid I am not a boat
Lessons at forty and still couldn’t swim
I bobbed about on floats therein
The most I could do is float on my back
I had to face it and take the flack
Children swam by and made me feel daft
I wish I could get myself onto a raft
Sink or swim? I can’t stay on top
I sink to the bottom in one big drop
Have you heard about the two tribesmen who were cannibals?
They're names were "Zee" and "Zoo" and often met in the forest to discuss their meals.
One day, Zee says to Zoo, "Have you caught any missionaries lately like you should?"
Zoo replied, "Yes, but they haven't tasted too good."
Zee said, "My friend, let me give you a clue,
It's all in the preparation, that's what you have to do."
"What do you mean?", asked Zoo quizically,
"I have always prepared and cooked them as my father taught me."
Zee responded, "When you get one, prepare him as before...
but before you cook him, put him in some boiling water for thirty minutes or more.
You will find that it makes them tender and sweet,
From the top of their heads, to the soles of their feet."
They parted as was their custom, each his own separate way to go,
Zoo promising himself that he would try as his friend suggested he do.
A few weeks had passed before they met again,
Zee said to Zoo, "Any missionaries caught since then?"
"Yes", said Zoo, "And I tried what you say...
Boiling them in the water before cooking them all the way."
Zee could see his friend was upset,
"Wasn't it the tenderest missionary you ever et?"
"No", replied Zoo..."He was very tough,
I thought I would break a tooth...that's how rough!"
Zee thought for a moment then slapped himself in the head,
"What did he look like?" was all he said.
Zoo described him..."Plump, with a heavy brown robe to wear,
and on his head only a circle of hair."
Zee looked at him then cast his eyes down,
"I'm sorry, my friend", he said as he looked at the ground.
"That is a special kind of missionary you see,
I forgot to tell you about them...shame on me!"
Zoo wondered what was so special about this missionary,
He asked, "I don't understand, what your telling me."
Zee said to Zoo, "I told you to boil them but because of my whim,
I forgot that that's a FRIAR...You don't parboil him!"
Incident at the Swimming Pool
By Elton Camp
The public pool was crowded that July day
Bruce dove into the water in his usual way
He thought that he’d made quite an impression
Judging by gasps and their facial expression
When girls giggled and pointed right at him
He thought, “They think that I’m very trim.”
Bruce received more attention than other guys
It certainly gave to his manly ego quite a rise
As he looked around the pool with great glee
A thing of his floating in the water he did see
It was then that Bruce knew why they did hoot
At the edge of the pool was his swimming suit
The Water Witch
By Elton Camp
Perhaps “dowser” is a preferable name,
But the two are actually just the same
Men who had this power weren’t weird
They were respected rather than feared
They sincerely believed they could tell
The very best place to dig or drill a well
And the key to the water witching trick
Was to cut a fresh, forked hickory stick
The tip was pointed up toward the sky
On its turning down the man did rely
The dowser held it as he walked about
That he could find water he didn’t doubt
When it went down toward the ground
He said, “This is the best spot around.
Drill your well on this very spot here,
That you won’t find water never fear.”
There is no way dowsing could be true
With a diving rod, the same I could do
Because I very quickly came to learn
Change the tension. The stick would turn
Water is in the ground most everywhere
It matters little if you drill here or there
Well was dry? On dowser ‘twas rough
His ruse: “You didn’t go deep enough.”
To trust dowsing, there is no reason why
Some people seem to need to believe a lie
I expect that some reviewer will come to say
“You are just so wrong. It works that way.”
More Zany Warnings
By Elton Camp
On the metal barrel of a rifle, not to be debated:
“Misuse may cause injury or death,” tis stated
On wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack we see:
“Remove plastic before eating.” My, oh me!
Warning found on a remote control for a TV:
“Not dishwasher safe” are the words we see
“Safe for use around pets” is assurance told
On box of cat litter that we have been sold
Fritos bag says, “No purchase necessary to win”
And then it explains that the details are within
“Cleans and refreshes without water or soap,”
Contains water and soap says the same dope
Instructions on muffin package can’t be beat:
“Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert and eat”
Then this taken from a Swann frozen dinner:
“Serving suggestion: Defrost” is sure a winner
On a Domino’s sandwich box this we are bid:
“For heat-retaining to function, close the lid”
White water, why are you white?
Water running off the rocks in the creeks
and rivers, still calm water like a mirror,
Swift water, white as the fallen snow.
White water, why are you white?
White as the puffy clouds?
Swift streaks of water in motion.
White as an aged head...
Does that mean wisdom is white?
White water, why are you white?