Best Funnyvoice Poems
Remote controls are funny things
Then, maybe it’s just me
I wave it around for hours
But, still can’t get channel three
It will always find the menu
For the treble and the bass
If remote controls were human
I would slap them in the face
Remote controls are not my thing
Perhaps its my technique
If they could make one voice controlled
I’d only have to speak
It would follow my instructions
And obey them to the letter
A voice controlled remote control
Things couldn’t get much better
I’d shout out my instructions
“Change the channel, fifty four
The volumes far too low now
Turn the sound up, give me more”
If they made this little gadget
Then there’s something I’d be fearing
That knowing my track record
I’d get one that’s hard of hearing
© John W Fenn 03-07-2009
How I long for the days of yore when telephone communication,
Was with a living, breathing mortal in meaningful conversation!
Nowadays, when conducting business, much too often I hear,
A mechanical voice spewing perplexing babble in my weary ear!
First, I listen to a litany of their days and hours of operation!
A spiel about their products and a history of the organization!
"Your call will be taken in the order in which it was received!"
Already, I've waited twenty minutes - I feel I've been deceived!
I hear that hollow voice again but much to my chagrin,
The dreaded 'Press This Number' game is about to begin!
Having been offered many options, at that vacuous voice I shout!
I become so irate I hardly remember what I was calling about!
"Press One if you are a new customer -Two if you have an account;
Press Three if you need repair service - Four for a bank discount;
Press Five to pay your bill - Press Six to change your address!"
Lord, I'm losing patience! Help me out of this miserable mess!
On and on it goes ad infinitum like some Gregorian chant!
I'd like to talk to a representative but it seems that I can't!
Ah! At last! A person is on the line but I'll need a translator.
Alas, it's some guy talking funny on the other side of the equator!
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved
Tied for No. 7 in Natalie Fllikkema's "Talkin' Technology" Contest - July 2011
The tall girl with skinned knees hair of straw
Shirley ‘the hag’
Her voice cracks when she talks
Skinny torn knees knock when she walks
She will flavor all Shirleys to come
Her face above left or right of any Shirley
When the hag skips rope
She clacks like a bag of bones
Dirty hair flops
Singing a school room tune
“The frog he would a wooing go’
It fits…….ho ho
Just wait for the rope to tangle
Frog voice break
The descent like a tinkertoy tower
Knees all mangled
Feel sorry then
When tears streak her bony face
Shirley ‘the hag’
Poor skinny baby
To the office run with broken stilts
Stumble again
Ripped to the bone maybe
..................................................................................................
For Robert Dufresne, my humor-loving friend
.....continued from The Little Monster, Part 1.
The monster sighed and shook his head
And in his booming voice he said,
“I may be big, I might look scary
Yes, I’m ugly, green and hairy
I know my fangs are rather long,
But can’t please we just get along?"
Toby laughed and did a dance,
“Forget it matey there’s no chance!
Making sure that you are dead
Can only help with my street cred”.
Again the monster shook his head
And once again he sadly said,
“I may be big, I might look scary
Yes, I’m ugly, green and hairy,
I know my fangs are rather long,
But can’t we please just get along?”
The monster gave a plaintive wail
As Toby struck his spiky tail.
By now the beast had had enough.
His tone grew mean, his voice grew gruff,
Yes I’m big and yes I’m scary,
Yes I’m ugly, green and hairy
I’ve tried to be your friend, he said
You should quit while your ahead.
But Toby didn’t heed the warning,
Believing he’d be rich by morning
He struck the creature once again
Laughing at his cries of pain.
The monster grinned and stroked his belly,
Toby’s knees both turned to jelly.
"The reason that I’m big and hairy
The thing that makes me rather scary,
The reason, as a point of fact,
Is ‘cos I gobble little brats."
Toby barely knew what hit him
The speed was such the monster bit him
But Toby thought while he was chewed
“Perhaps I should have been less rude”.
Private Slocum Gets a Scare
By Elton Camp
It was the day of the big parade.
Private Slocum felt he had it made.
He had an easy job that seemed cool.
Answer the phone at the motor pool.
It was most likely nobody would call.
Slocum could miss the pomp and all.
But suddenly the telephone ran out.
So he had to see what it was about.
The voice on the phone did say:
“Send over a limousine right away.
And I will not accept a bit of delay.
It is needed for the parade today.”
The voice seemed a bit familiar to him.
He decided that it must be his pal Jim.
The private his head began to wag.
Smiling, he went along with the gag.
“Is it for some of the top brass?
Maybe a general with a fat ass?”
The caller’s voice became icy cold.
So, Slocum wished he done as told.
“I do not like that worth a damn.
Clearly, you don’t know who I am.
Soldier, this General Jones speaking.”
With outrage the officer was reeking.
“Sir, it’s true I didn’t know your rank.
I thought the call might just be a prank.
But I now will ask you just the same.
To you happen to know my name?”
No, I do not and I do not care.
To insult me how do you dare?
Sir, you have just relieved my woe.
I’ll just say to you, “Goodbye fatso.”