Best Funnyred Poems
It seems it takes reams of paperwork to get things done nowadays.
You can become so snarled in red tape that it'll leave you in a daze!
I wonder how Noah would've coped with such onerous fiddle-faddle,
Had panels and boards been involved to design for him a simple paddle!
Did he have building codes and hordes of bureaucrats to appease,
Or pesky environmentalists hugging the gopherwood trees?
Was there an OSHA lurking about enforcing inane regulations?
Such balderdash would've added to his heap of frustrations!
Was an ASPCA "watchdog" there fretting about all the creatures,
Insisting that cages and stalls have the latest comfort features?
Was their a labor union hovering nigh demanding a living wage?
Such piffle would've launched Noah into a towering rage!
Had Noah heeded those who showered him with sneer and scorn,
Or had he drowned in seas of red tape to stifle his Godly bourne,
He might've been discouraged and cancelled the whole affair.
That could've spelled doom for humankind right then and there!
But Noah's Boss, that Master Architect superintending from Above,
Gave Noah the specifications and a not too gentle shove!
Noah, Japheth, Ham and Shem hustled and the Ark soon took shape.
'Twas built on schedule, with no cost overruns and no red tape!
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(© All Rights Reserved)
ROCK-PAPER-SCISSORS
•
on scorching sun with scissors of red ray
kids waded paper boats down winding bay
huge rock slammed their course
sails flat, with full force!
so rock/paper/scissors bets winged a tricky play
•
although the rushed pace was like wrestling
and left their fists flushed red and sweating,
best of four rounds caused seizures
playmates hid crazed wrist fissures
hours after, hungry tummies stopped pretending
P.D’s Rock/ Paper/ Scissors
By nette onclaud
I beat her like a
red headed stepchild because
That is what she is...
*JOKE- I don't beat her,
but I do have a red headed
stepchild. :)
Little Red Riding Hood, we'll call her "Red",
Was taking her granny some food
But the wolf had spotted her basket
And thought that he'd be shrewd
He said, "Hey little girl, where you goin?"
The wolf was thinking he's cool
But Red paid him no nevermind
And mumbled,"I'm just passing thru"
"What's in the basket, little girl?"
The wolf asked her with an awful grin
But Red replied, for the second time,
"Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin"
Oh wait, that's a different story
That wolf is this one's brother
I think their daddys were different
But I'm sure, they have the same mother
Anyway, the wolf took him a shortcut
And to granny's house, he went
But, poor granny didn't recognize him
For he spoke with a Brittish accent
She let him in and he gobbled her up
And his stomach began to churn
You shouldn't eat things that's out of date
But that wolf will never learn
Now, Red has finally made it
And the wolf says, "Won't you come in?"
He greets her in granny's bed clothes
While sporting an evil grin
Red says "Granny, what big eyes you have"
And the wolf begins to cry
For that was a touchy subject
And I dare not ask him why
"Granny, what a big nose you have"
As she waits for the wolf's reply
Once again, that's too sensitive
And he gives her the evil eye
Now she'd done it, the wolf was mad
And was planning this little girl's death
When he opened his mouth, a burp came out
And her granny was still on his breath
Red began to run and scream
Looking for a place to hide
The wolf began to chase her
As her granny struggled inside
The wolf tripped over a footstool
As granny came tumbling out
Then Red suddenly remembered
That she was a Brownie Scout
Red was now the hero
And knew what she had to do
The wolf began to cower in fear
For he was sure his terror was thru
But Red showed that old wolf mercy
And granny forgave his transgression
That wolf seen Red in a whole new light
For, she'd certainly made an impression
Instead of trying to eat them now
That wolf just started lickin'
As soon as Red wipe the slobbers away
They shared her basket of chicken
The chicken they ate was delicious
Colonel Sanders would have been proud
His breath smelled of chicken, not granny
And they all started laughing out loud
Into the midst of the hen flock
Brock my brown leghorn flying cock
Mediterranean breading stock
Flew off the roost to dock
When barnbyard dust settled you see
Hens begin cackling with glee
As soon as was able to see
That rooster was handsomely he
As marsupial much alarmed
As brown leghorn spurs fully armed
Being exposed to the great charmed
The hens flapped their wings thus informed
Opossum tucked babes in her pouch
Her most inner juvenile couch
Plain to see that my Brock’s no slouch
Awesome spurs would surely mean ouch!!
Legitimately now has he
A very large harem you see
There are many chick yet to be
As shall many opossums flee
Many red tail hawks on the wind
But my red rooster will defend
His harem band of lady friends
Every day again and again
At danger he will never baulk
`Tis cackle, cackle, cackle, squawk
`Tis the brown leghorn rooster talk
Cock of the squawk barnyard boardwalk
3-3-2010
In a box of color crayons
I would be the color called red
Favorite of child's fairy wands
With a very sharp pencil head
Surely would be very worse dread
If to a stove of fire kid sped
Melting off the red my fine head
As to the fire my head was fed
My very fine texture would glow
The child's parents would surely know
My red blood would begin to flow
Paddle's appease to seat would go
Not yet Leonardo Da Vinci
An artist of portrait display
Child sit in corner on benches
Smell very well would give him away
No effort of the Da Vinci
Broke a smile of the century
Mona the Lisa smile so mild
Would agape at this mischief child
So very sad my red's been bled
And my pencil head has been fed
By mischief of a kid who sped
Fulfilling my very worse dread
Now my box of fairy crayons
I hope has not caused a big yawn
As hope is that you've grown quite fond
Of my tale of fairy's red wand
4-4-10
Superb Moulanic entertainment
Rouge by colour a red the colour of lust
Perhaps vermillion crimson or scarlet
Not quite a Cardinal red - Oh no!
A bawdy well loved old dance
High kicking girls a screaming yelp
Energetic and flying jumping splits
A view quite pleasant of split crotch knickers
Ya'll want to com'fer supper?
Yep we's having greens, fat back,
tators, chitlins, peppa sauce,
pickled peaches and cairn
muffins. I seez ya when ya gets he-a.
Bye now ya he-a.
Tell ya maw Iz said hey.
Chil'in don't gets ya britches durty in the red clay.
Com' a runnin when comp'ny gets hea, chillins
and warsh tha grit of ya, 'fore I dust your britches good.
By Dars Ann
submitted in the dialect contest
dialect of the southern states, USA
I grew up in Georgia and we have red clay,
tall short leaf pines, great oaks and plenty of old knotty pine barns in the landscapes.
I went to the Monsters Ball.
I must have been 7 feet tall.
I was wearing stilettos so steep.
They were really hurting my feet.
You will never guess what I wore.
And not to tell it I always swore.
But I guess I'll have to confess.
Someone saw me and now it's a mess.
I was wearing a red sheer gown.
And the top was halfway down.
Red sheer hose covered my legs.
Held up by red garters like pegs.
It was a monstrous sight.
If you'd been there that night.
Like the person who saw.
Writing poems in the raw.
His name I will not disclose.
But I visited him on tippy toes.
He wore Tag body spray, I could tell.
Writing poetry as funny as............
Well...I guess I'd better end here.
Or I might get beat in the rear.