Best Fannie Poems
George W. Towne
1847 – 1899
From Iowa I came by restless wagon train.
From the mid-west I arrived
With satchel and silken scalp still intact.
I read Proverbs and Ecclesiastes to pass the time.
I read the Gospels of John and Luke.
I read Harriet Beecher Stowe and
I read John Greenleaf Whittier.
I saw the icy Rocky Mountains beckon me to the west
Waving their invisible fluid fingers
Like blond ballerinas in silent ever-moving tableaux.
I saw the railroad snake through the endless golden valleys.
And I saw the muddy roads converge
Under a hundred bee-infested pepper trees.
And it was here in this new colony I found a home
For my wife Fannie and our three dubious children.
You could always spot me in the distance,
Walking down Pickering Street.
For I was the dapper one in black derby hat
Taking the cash in the Greenleaf Avenue millinery.
I was the suited one in dusty black,
Winking and bowing to the lovely ladies
Showing my respect but imagining something else
Deep within my empty searching soul.
I was the tall, cleanly shaven erudite
Who had memorized the entire Gospel of John
And walked the northern foothills at sunset
Wearing my ever-present derby hat
And meeting, yes,
Secretly meeting Lucy Swain
Under the tall cedar tree on Rideout Ranch.
Confession is indeed good for the soul.
Confession has always allowed a good but dishonest man to sleep soundly.
To sleep long languorous hours on a cold winter’s night.
To sleep for an eternity without guilt or regrets
Under the hardened forgotten dirt of Clark Cemetery.
For I was the handsome one in derby hat
And only Lucy and I knew,
Only she and I knew intimately
About the patch of soft carpet-like grass,
There under the tall silent cedar tree
On Rideout Ranch.
Categories:
fannie, death,
Form:
Epitaph
Lucy Swain
1861 - 1896
Lies! Lies! All damnable lies!
I know the injustice of malicious gossip.
I know the outrage of a loose evil tongue.
In life, I was Lucy Swain, the maligned!
I was Lucy Swain, the indignant!
In truth, I was Lucy Swain, the law-abiding, god-fearing victim
Who resided over on Milton Avenue
With her bent-over heart-broken mother.
In fact, I was Lucy Swain, the innocent weeping victim
Of a thousand cruel hypocritical stares.
And so, let me shout it out
As loudly as my silent soul can,
From my deep grave here in Clark Cemetery:
I never set foot, not once, on Rideout Ranch!
I never set eyes on the winking blue orbs
Of the devastatingly handsome George Towne,
That philandering cad with the fine derby hat.
I never tasted the warm pulsating kisses from his sweet-tasting, pursed lips.
And I never felt the caressing electric touch
Of his firm groping fingers upon my bosom,
There, under the old cedar tree on Rideout Ranch!
Lies! All lies!
And as God is my witness
I never spent even one gloriously romantic moment
In the embrace of the incredibly strong arms
Of the sexy man married to Fannie Towne!
Amen!
Categories:
fannie, death,
Form:
Epitaph
Fannie Strumpet is a flatulent floozy
With each wiggle her rump lets out a doozy
She blows out so much gas
Foul vapor from her a$$
It's asphyxiating and makes me woozy
Fannie lets 'em rip without hesitation
When I point a finger in accusation
She points hers back at me
and laughs saying, "Phew Wee!"
I'm tempted to enact strangulation
I threatened to have the woman arrested
Indecently walking around bare breasted
She farted in my face
Through her panties of lace
I think I was infected and molested
One night Fannie was with a man she'd just met
When she tooted he left, much to her regret
Rectal fumes exploded
He screamed, "You're corroded!"
Her tail expels toxins like a gas jet
Fannie saw a doctor of proctology
She farted without making an apology
She disgusted him so
He said, "Madame, just go.
You're a noxious threat to world ecology!"
I don't fear being assaulted by her smut
She was sued; the case was open and shut
The streets no longer stink
Cuz Fannie's in the clink
For hiding lethal weapons in her butt
October 1, 2021
May the Gas Be With You-Farts Part 2 Contest
Sponsored by Chantelle Anne Cooke
Categories:
fannie, funny,
Form:
Limerick
Hey Freddie and Fannie
I am not your nanny,
yet I gave you the big pill
made of 800 bil.
Tell your buddies on Wall Street
whose mothers they would cheat,
that we’re throwin’ the law book
at each scumbag crook.
We’ll seize all the brute’s vile loot
and each golden parachute,
when they jump from the rooftop
we’ll hear a kerplop.
Then we’ll open the champaign
and sadness we won’t feign,
we’ll fashion their carpet bags
into closing bell flags.
For its full glory, listen to my YouTube vesion at:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q6UnHANluOw
Categories:
fannie, funny
Form:
Rhyme
Hey Freddie and Fannie
I am not your nanny,
yet I gave you the big pill
made of 800 bil.
Tell your buddies on Wall Street
whose mothers they would cheat,
that we’re throwin’ the law book
at each scumbag crook.
We’ll seize all the brute’s vile loot
and each golden parachute,
when they jump from the rooftop
we’ll hear a kerplop.
Then we’ll open the champaign
and sadness we won’t feign,
we’ll fashion their carpet bags
into closing bell flags.
For its full glory, listen to my YouTube vesion at:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q6UnHANluOw
Categories:
fannie, funny
Form:
Rhyme
She floats into the room -
Miss Fannie Lou Nance,
her long black dress
flowing without movement
as though adorning
a mannequin on wheels,
her small hat perched
on her elegant white hair.
A soft black cape warms
her shoulders, highlighting
the lovely broach at her throat
and matching buckle at her waist.
Her manner and tone
takes us back in time
to a gentle image
of life in a golden era,
of gilded edges and fortunes made,
a one way mirror into the past.
Headmistress of Crescent College,
a school for genteel young ladies
fortunate enough to be
bound by rigid rules,
but educated and encouraged
to go forth in life dauntless,
push the envelope beyond the norm,
break the restraints,
lead the way. . .
into a new dimension
Categories:
fannie, fashion,
Form:
Free verse
What has happened since Donald J. Trump has become and was elected as President of The United States of America by "The Electoral College",and not the majority vote of "American Citizens"? What has happened since Donald J. Trump became "President of The United States of America"?????? ?/. You can answer the question yourself: White,Red,Brown,Yellow,Black.Do we some how feel held back? White with no job. Is that right? Is that great? Is America first?Answer the question yourself: Has there been good or has there been bad "Health"? Has there been any increase in the "Wealth" of poor "White people"?Has there been an increase in "Dying and Death" among all the people of "The U.S? Has there been an increase in violence,racism,hatred,and lack of wealth in the people who are white,red yellow,brown,and black? What has happened since "Donald J. Trump has become "President of The United States of America? Has anything "GOOD" happened? "Bad Luck" is having a ball!!@ .We need to pray to "The Lord God Almighty" who is the only one who can save us all! We have heard of Baseball,Football,Hockey,Ice Skating, "The Theather" Actors,Musical Conserts,Schools,Vollyball,Gymnastics,etc,and all of these things have been put on hold,and thes things have happened since Donald J. Trump became President of The United States of America If it was not for "Bad Luck" we would have no luck at all?When will we be able to go and see football,basketball,hockey,basketball? We will take the blame off of "Fannie and put the blame on "Ann Lee"?We will take the blame off of Donald Trump and put it on Communism that tries to influence any "Democracy"!We will take the blame off of Russia and put it on China. We can put the blame where it belongs,and that is on the ones who elect the wrong leaders!!!
Categories:
fannie, 11th grade, 7th grade,
Form:
Ballad
Jacob Luetweiler
1865-1948
From Highland Illinois I travelled,
Travelled with wife, children and the family bible,
Came with stout brethren and brothers in the faith.
And my far-flung epitaph is this:
My friends, I have seen the rain!
I have held the rain in my cupped calloused hands,
Heard the rain as it descended like a demon!
Assaulting the dry land without mercy,
Annihilating the barren and dead land,
As it washes and whirls,
Whispers, envelops and quietly caresses.
My friends, I have stood in the rain!
Stood in the inundations at Beaumont,
Stood sentry and expectantly there,
In its merciful, cleansing invocations,
Stood watching the approaching rain,
Come to earth like dead children,
Come from heaven,
Come to bring drink to the thirsty valley,
Come to bring hope for the new harvest.
My friends, I have seen the rain!
Felt the rain as it purifies and slakes,
Baptizes and consecrates;
Seen the rain from my gaping window
Many times in old Beaumont,
Inside the white house by the river there,
With Fannie, my brood, and a murder of crows.
My friends, indeed, I have seen the rain!
Come to earth like dead children,
Come from heaven.
Categories:
fannie, death,
Form:
Epitaph
The highest office in our land will soon be decided.
Opponents spar, both tooth and nail; reputations derided.
“Just look at his voting record,” said one brash candidate.
“His radical positions are so quick to desecrate.
Promptly, and viciously, his opponent fired right back,
With a profane, demeaning, and scourging attack.
“His way is misleading; his promises don’t ring true.
Just hollow rhetoric, for which he has no clue.
“Voters can’t believe his empty pledge that sounds cozy.
Our economy is at stake, yet he makes it sound so rosy.
“Unfortunately, to me the media has been most unkind.
Their reporters have attacked and maligned.
“My opponent, with flawed logic, and twisted facts,
Bashes me with unmerciful and lambasting attacks.
While his tax proposals will put us in a hole.
He will likely put our whole nation on the dole.
“And who will pay the bill? Surely we all will pay,
Since he betrothed Freddie Mac to Fannie Mae!”
Categories:
fannie, political, me,
Form:
Rhyme
Once upon a time there lived a frog named Fred
Fred was a Prince, but he was unwed
So he sent word through the kingdom that he needed a bride
Tammy the green gowned lass blushed with pride
As she was chosen to be Fred's wife
But Fannie her jealous sister said "No not on your life"
And so the two sisters began to fight
Barry the blue frog shouted for everyone to be quiet
Then Gus the gecko performed the ceremony on a lily pad
Prince Fred married Tammy, which made Fannie quite sad
The reception was held at club Ribbit and was very nice
Even though Barry got drunk and upchucked on the rice
Alan the alligator happened to be swimming by
When he saw all thos frogs he said "My Oh My"
All the guests were having a jolly good time
So Alan crashed the party and was delighted to dine
Fred and Tammy had slipped away
And spent their honeymoon in the Palace by the bay
There time together was filled with love and laughter
And they lived happily ever after
For Debbie's Fairy Tales contest
Personified objects: the frogs
Categories:
fannie, nature, time,
Form:
Rhyme
So we’re going on a picnic with the pygmy, Pixie Poggly, being the quirky queenly
quaintly quickly person she is and her friend a raunchy rascal reverently named
Andy Bailey. As you remember he was in the Aussie army association, barely
battling the banshee that were bawdy blackly bloody in the boggy boundary briefly
in the outback, and lets not forget pixie’s perky prominent pal that is a bossy,
bluntly, brainy, bookie, breathing brashly, balmy, bits of boogie bookie chatter to
all the cheery, choicely, chunky crowd around his choosey, cheesy, cheaply
choice of chummy spots, and in his coarsely cocky way, he coyly clamors crafty
creepy words that really don’t say what they needs to say, but confuses even the
gentle, ghostly, gaudy, gawky, gabby, gypsy genie down in the gaily, gabby,
ghastly valley town called Gatsby. I hear even Fatty Fannie the fancy, fleecy,
flimsy, flowery, and foxy maiden that has her doggie, “Dotty” watching her dreamy,
dressy, downy, dowry. And to make things easier Pixie’s dumpy daffy deafly, dinky
donkey named Dixie is going to carry all the supplies, and we are going to the
daffy damply dainty little dairy where the daisies grow daily in the deeply densely
droopy grasses next to the hay, and it sounds like it will be a giddy, giggly, goodly,
goofy, goosey, grabby good grammar in all its Grammy award wining grandeur
day.
Parts of this poem were copied from another poem that I cannot display here, but
that I did write, it is called “The Picnic” and I thought this would be some fun
reading for all here.
Categories:
fannie, adventure, animals, confusion, funny,
Form:
Alliteration
Tomatos,medium green
bacon drippings,lean
cornmeal,coated on both sides
Seasoned with pepper
Alabama fried,
Whistle stop
Mean !
Acknowledgements to, in this tribute to novelist Fannie Flagg
Categories:
fannie, food, places,
Form:
Epulaeryu
Mary Yelvington
1876-1910
George Towne, now there was a man;
Handsome as the devil;
Strong as a bougainvillea vine.
And married to the redoubtable Fannie Towne,
Town shill, and occasional teetotaler of the dry brew!
Ol’ Fannie was oblivious to the treasure she owned;
That incredible athlete!
That insufferable charmer!
At least after 3 o’clock, on most afternoons,
She never knew,
Or cared one iota really, where her man was!
Other than the little dramas concerning the Townes,
Life in Whittier, at the turn of the 20th Century,
Was boring, I must say.
Boring as a book with no danger!
Dangerous days never arrived for me,
Nor did I ever make the acquaintance of a dangerous man.
My life’s journey indeed found intended joy,
Ecstatic joy in singing the hymns at church;
And it found surprised sadness as well,
In not surviving pneumonia at age 34.
And now, here I am, buried deep in the dark dirt,
Of shady Mt. Olive Cemetery.
But if only I had tried.
Tried to whistle, and nestle up to the big lug;
The day I saw him at Central Park,
Sitting on a bench with his prim coat and hat,
The incredibly dangerous George Towne!
Categories:
fannie, crush,
Form:
Epitaph
Farmer Phil fancied Fannie.
Fancy Fannie fled from Phil.
Frantic Farmer followed Fannie.
Fannie fell for Farmer Phil.
Categories:
fannie, funny
Form:
Alliteration
Fannie
and Freddie
in a shower-
Mae still find they need a
Mac.
Categories:
fannie, funny, political,
Form:
Cinqku