Best Elvira Poems
A true story....
Well I lived in Sioux City for a little while
Another job site, hubby and I have covered some miles
While there, my mother in law came to visit
She drove Elvira, the biggest Buick ever made
No doubt about it!
I drove mom around to see the highlights
If you've been there, you know there's nothing but corn in sight
Suddenly the cars in front of us started to slow
Wondering which way around this pillow they needed to go
Well some went left and some went right
Some straddled over it and seemed alright
Mom said baby, it will be OK
Just drive right over it
Elvira won't notice anything in her way
I lined up perfectly and over we went
Thought I'd made it until visions were sent
Into the rear view mirror of down floating everywhere
And it wasn't pleasant!
I could see people on the sidewalks laughing, I pretended not to care
As millions of feathers floated through the air
Really embarrassed I drove on about one hundred feet
Then Elvira stopped dead right there in the street
Somehow the drive train had caught the cotton cover
Ripping it to shreds, wrapping it round and round so tight
Until it killed the engine dead
Now I know God works in mysterious ways
But He proved it for sure this very day
In a parking lot next to where Elvira had died
Was a complete race car driver's pit crew - no lie!
An 18 wheeler with trailer in tow
Guys dressed in uniforms, patches aglow
With traffic backing up behind us
They came over to see what was all the fuss
I said spitting feathers out of my mouth
I really don't know, I'm from down south
They opened their trailer and out came the jacks
Air hoses and tools, they got down on their backs
From under the car I heard laughter and jokes
They'd seen cars stopped by everything but a pillow!
Well I thanked them and shook each and every hand
They wouldn't accept money, said the entertainment was grand
I often wonder who they were and if they remember Elvira and the pillow in Iowa land....
©Donna Jones
An Almond Tree
Elvira was walking her dog, a poodle, in a landscape
of rounded hills, when she fell into a cylindrical
borehole; her dog waited for her to come up again,
she didn´t, and since it was getting dark it ran home.
In the night an almond tree grew out of the hole
it had had white and pink flowers forever blooming.
In the morning people went looking for Elvira,
the dog led the way, and when they came to the tree
it sat down, wagged its tale and happily barked.
Elvira was never found. When the search was over
everyone walked home, but the dog stayed by the tree
only came at night to be fed; and people reckoned
it was the last place the mute had seen Elvira.
The dog was happy playing around the tree catching
falling petals when not snuggled up sleeping by its
trunk, people smiled and called the tree Elvira.
The faithful cur didn´t come home one evening it
had, just like Elvira, disappeared into the long night.
Beside the almond tree a miniature version grew it
too flowered all year; between them gossamer full
of dawn pearls glittered.
In Praise of Elvira Gulch
By Elton Camp
Just because she was willing to fight
Nobody wants to speak of Elvira right
She was just trying to guard her cat
Now what can be wrong about that
A dog with such a bad disposition
To punish him became her mission
To silly sentiment she didn’t give in
And wouldn’t let some schoolgirl win
Elvira went to the sheriff, had a fit
And she came away holding a writ
Her property Dorothy didn’t avoid
She intended to have Toto destroyed
So after the miscreant she did catch
All she needed was a basket latch
And give Elvira credit for being green
For riding on a bicycle she was seen
It’s mainly because she wasn’t cute
That, about Elvira, few give a hoot
(Note: This assumes knowledge of the movie, “The Wizard of Oz.”)
Trick or treat
Elviras alluring
EEEeeeeeeek the small lad said, heat racing and pounding
Did he get the candy?
Now Elvira looks like Mrs. Munster
Form:
I am dressing as Elvira, the very sexy witch.
I will walk with her arrogant, self-confident twitch.
I will use a sultry voice, and leave admirers in my path.
I will take no prisoners, sashaying a widened swath.
I will tell my children if they call me mommy I will deny them.
I will be too beautiful and fabulous to pay attention to their grim.
Who got the biggest caramel apple. Frankly do I care?
I am ready to do Halloween up right. I will start with my black hair.
If my grandchildren even whisper the word grandma I will take them down.
Grandma is not a word I want to hear when I am wearing my Elvira crown.
And if the dog tries to follow me, begging for attention I will say,
Not today Sophie Helen. I am sexy and sensual and young –not me today.
They will stand back in awe, staring at my beautiful breasts.
I will tweak the imagination of men and women and all the rest.
I will be sensuous and fabulous, and they will stand back and leer.
I will be Elvira, Mistress of the Lark for Halloween this year.
She was a strong woman; everyone said it.
Elvira is so strong! Strong as an ox. Strong as a bull.
She was proud of it too; it was her reputation.
If something needs to be lifted, go get Elvira! Her family bragged.
“She can lift a cow!” her little bother told anyone who listened.
“Elvira has the back of a farmer,” Daddy boasted.
Hank, a traveling salesman needed a strong healthy woman.
He was selling his magic elixir, and he needed a female specimen
To show how potent it was, that it caused super strength.
Her strength would come in mighty handy. He decided to court her.
After their honeymoon they ran into her sister who was married to his main competitor.
“Let me guess,” the competitor said.
“They told you she was as strong as a cow.”
fancy guinea pig Elvira wore a floral cap.
She danced a jig, a waltz and she sang a rap.
We were dizzy when we watched, had to take a nap.
She was a pretty thing who knew how to read a map.
We gave her instructions, and she showed us the way.
Michigan State University is there, and they do not play.
We were grateful to Elvira, whose eyelids were gray.
She led us to victory in sports every other Monday.