Best Damages Poems
Back and Forth
Back and Forth
My cruel mind goes
Like the deadly pendulum
It swings some more
Entrapping those that come around
Back and Forth
Back and Forth
Like the tides of the frozen ocean
Anger
Love
Sadness
Hatred
Back and Forth
Back and Forth
Unable to stop
Continually altering my thoughts
Causing me to cause problems
When there should be none
When I should only hold you up
I drag you down
Then I push you up
I pull you down
And again and again
This deadly pendulum swings
Again and again
I lift you up I pull you down
Again and Again
My mind changes
Over and over
And I drown you in my torturous disease
Capturing you inside the tides of my mania
The fires of my hell
You are trapped
And I only hurt you
Only hurt you
Hurt you
Swinging, swinging
Like the deadly Pendulum
I am nothing but pain for you
Nothing but pain
Nothing but pain
Pain
Pain
Changing like the tides
Like a wave
My mind bounces around
Like a ball
A flying butterfly
It is never still
Never still
Never still
Your strength is amazing
I view you as flawless
You’ve dealt with me
For so long
This deadly swinging pendulum
You take in stride
You’ve learned to float amongst the waves
Live with the gnashing of bloody waters
To hold onto the shred of humanity
That you still believe I have
And I thank you for that
I thank you,
For keeping me in your good graces
Despite my chaotic mind
Despite my disease
My
My what?
What can it really be called?
All are just excuses
Excuses for me to keep that dangerous Pendulum swinging
I can’t control it though
I don’t know how
I am so weak
So worthless
And I cling to you
For sanity
For my life
I shouldn’t
But I do
You are my life line
I am so small
So nothing without you
The tides become rougher
The tides become meaner
I can’t stop it
I can’t control it
The tears roll down my cheeks
I have lost all control
Ha
As if I ever HAD control
I’m so afraid of myself
Afraid of the anger that burns my soul
A vicious poison
Consuming what should be my soul
Corrupting the very breadth of life in me
A false sense of control was all I ever had
But yet…with you
Everything is calmer
Everything is clearer
You are my savior
My savior
My grace
But the pendulum still swings
Still swings
The danger never really gone
Just…eased
My mind
Eased
For awhile
But the poison is still there
Still affecting my mind
Still attacking me
They call it
“Bipolar Disorder”
I call it an excuse
They say it’s mild
I say… It is nothing but-
An excuse
One I shall not use
There is no excuse to the way I treat you
Or anyone else for that matter
But you in particular,
Do not deserve any of this
You’re my guardian angel
The target of my never ending pendulum
I want it to stop
I want it to go away
But it never will
It never will
I can’t stop it
I want too
But I don’t know how
I’m so afraid
I’m so scared
I’m so diseased
I’m so worthless
I have nothing to offer you in return of your undying friendship
Nothing but grief comes your way
Nothing but hardship and torment
And the burning waters of my unchained mind do not help
They only hurt
Only hurt
And I’m so sorry
So sorry
I want it to stop
But I don’t know how
I don’t know how
I’m so sorry
For all the pain
All the torment
The screaming inside me
Bouncing through my head
Through my very being
But unable to escape
Nothing escapes
Until…
The anger explodes
Like a volcanic eruption
It goes everywhere
And you get caught in it
And it’s not fair
Not fair
Not fair
And I feel so guilty
Wanting you around
Keeping you around
When all I do is hurt you
All I do is hurt
I hurt
I hurt
I’m scared
I’m sorry
I’m damaged
I damage
I’m sorry
I’m so afraid of what I’ve become
I want to go back
Go back
Take it all back
Undo it all
Undo everything
Set you free
The pendulum starts gaining speed again
I can’t sleep
I feel so guilty keeping you around
I shouldn’t
I should not do this to you
If I were truly your friend
I would set you free
I should
I should
So why can’t I
Why can’t I function without you
woosh, woosh
The pendulum speeds
And speeds
I can’t sleep
I can’t sleep
I am sorry
I am sorry
So sorry
So sorry
So sorry
So sorry
So sorry
So sorry
So sorry
So Sorry
So sorry
So sorry
So Sorry
So Sorry
So sorry
The Pendulum swings faster
Faster and faster
I wish it would stop
I wish my mind would stop shifting
Stop
Stop
I’m so scared
I’m so angry
I’m sad
I hate it
All of it
And there goes the pendulum ever faster
Ever changing the splintered fragments of my mind
Why
Why must my mind be so sporadic
Always shifting
Always changing
Like the sands of the ocean floor
Always different
Always
I hate this
I do not like this
And all that happens
Is you get hurt
And I’m sorry for that
So very, very sorry
It’s not fair to you
It’s not fair
And I don’t know what to do
To make it all better
To make everything better
To make all my tortures go away
So that you can be happy
I just want you happy
I should let you go
Set you free
…
You should keep away from me
It would be better
For you
So much better
Less painful
Less heartbreaking
Less damaging
I am damaged beyond repair
But that does not mean you need to be
You could go
Run
Be free
You should
It would be better
Much better for you
Just let the flames consume me
Let the waters choke my cries…my pleads
And let the deadly pendulum slice me in pieces
Grind me down to nothing
Burn me
So that my virus cannot be spread
So no one else will be hurt
So you can live free and happy
Because I can’t keep living with myself
Knowing what I do to you
And again the pendulum swings
Again and again
And again
And again
It will never end
Never end
Until I do
Until I finally rest
In my watery…bloodied grave
11 years I felt it,
You both said I was wrong.
There was no love between you
And I knew it all along
We were the collateral,
Caught up in your mess.
I constantly, felt like I was drowning.
So weighed down by the stress.
Promises were never kept,
Just a tool in manipulation.
Like when he promised Disneyland
For the next years summer vacation.
The handful of good memories,
Overshadowed by the bad.
I could never understand,
How you saw him fit to be our dad.
I'd pray that you would leave him,
I begged you to be strong.
I was just a child,
And even I knew it was wrong.
You stayed until I turned 18,
My brother, 21.
You thought freedom would fix everything,
But the damage had been done.
Let you be
I don’t want to hurt you
I don’t want to
I don’t
I don’t
I’m so sorry
I’m so scared
I’m scarred
I’m scared
I’m sorry
You’re always so great to me
Always
Always
I’m nothing but trouble to you
Nothing but impending pain and torture
Grief and Sorrow
Nothing good
Nothing good
I am so very sorry
I’m sorry that I cling to you as a life line
That I can’t be strong on my own
Like a helpless child I look to you
I’m pathetic
Useless
Horrible
I say I’m here for you
Yet…am I really?
Or do I just think I am
Do I just believe that I help you half as much as you do me,
But in reality just make things worse
I can’t decide
I can’t think
The pendulum swings faster
The ocean tides rise once again
I’m drowning in my own doubt
I’m drowning in my own paranoia
And then there you are
Ready to dive in and pull me from the tortures
From the ever changing fragments of my mind
But you still get hit
By a deadly wave
By the pendulum
And you’re brought down
Why do you continuously help me
When I just continuously bring you down
You could easily just let me drown
You could easily leave me be and save your own sanity
But you do not
You are not like them
The people who have left me to be buried
You are different
You are an angel
You save me time and time again
And I just wish I could save you
I wish I could let you go
So you no longer were punished by me
So you could be happy
Because when you are happy
I am happy
I feel you
I feel what you go through
How much I haunt you
How I torment you
And if I could just release you from that
I know you’d be better
So much better without me
Without my damaged mind
But I can’t
I can’t
I am too selfish
I can’t let you go
I’d drown
I’d die
The pendulum swings faster
Faster
The waves grow
The tides get higher
Higher
Crashing
Crashing
And then…
Your hand reaches mine
And everything eases
I can’t let you go
I should
But I can’t
I never will be able to
I’m too scared too
And I’m sorry
So very sorry
I’m too selfish
I’m sorry
I drag it all out into the light.
Opening old wounds.
Trying to make sense of it all.
Trying to cope.
You, are all fine
Leaving it burried.
I can't let go of the past.
You tell me to forget it,
As if you know how I feel.
You still refuse to see the scars.
But your world is perfect now,
Now that he's gone.
And I'm the one,
Still damaged
Face to face
Mirrors cracking between the irony
As the glasses fall
And my breath is lost
My eyes turn red
And my feet
can not seem to find the ground
My hands fighting to hold on
My body has given up
But my soul remains intact
I just don't know about yours.