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Damages and Diseases of the Swinging Pendulum Mind: Part Four


The pendulum starts gaining speed again
I can’t sleep
I feel so guilty keeping you around
I shouldn’t
I should not do this to you
If I were truly your friend
I would set you free
I should
I should
So why can’t I
Why can’t I function without you
woosh, woosh
The pendulum speeds
And speeds
I can’t sleep
I can’t sleep
I am sorry
I am sorry
So sorry
So sorry
So sorry
So sorry
So sorry
So sorry
So sorry
So Sorry
So sorry
So sorry
So Sorry
So Sorry
So sorry
The Pendulum swings faster
Faster and faster
I wish it would stop
I wish my mind would stop shifting
Stop
Stop
I’m so scared
I’m so angry
I’m sad
I hate it
All of it
And there goes the pendulum ever faster
Ever changing the splintered fragments of my mind
Why
Why must my mind be so sporadic
Always shifting
Always changing
Like the sands of the ocean floor
Always different
Always
I hate this
I do not like this
And all that happens
Is you get hurt
And I’m sorry for that
So very, very sorry
It’s not fair to you
It’s not fair
And I don’t know what to do
To make it all better
To make everything better
To make all my tortures go away
So that you can be happy
I just want you happy
I should let you go
Set you free
…
You should keep away from me
It would be better
For you
So much better
Less painful
Less heartbreaking
Less damaging
I am damaged beyond repair
But that does not mean you need to be
You could go
Run
Be free
You should
It would be better
Much better for you
Just let the flames consume me
Let the waters choke my cries…my pleads
And let the deadly pendulum slice me in pieces
Grind me down to nothing
Burn me
So that my virus cannot be spread
So no one else will be hurt
So you can live free and happy
Because I can’t keep living with myself
Knowing what I do to you
And again the pendulum swings
Again and again
And again
And again
It will never end
Never end
Until I do
Until I finally rest
In my watery…bloodied grave

angstfearsadsorryhatefree verse

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Laura Breidenthal

August 7, 2013 at 6:35 PM

Okay, I still don't understand why there are not a lot of comments on this one. It is immensely intense. I see some Poe in here as well. The Pit and the Pendulum. One of my favorite short stories. We'll help each other through the darkness. Always, Laura

Jonas L. Rozario

October 15, 2012 at 2:34 AM

*Phew*...alrighty then....well what can I say. INTENSE INTENSE INTENSE & INTENSE. That's the word ringing in my head right now...you're not only like modern day S. Plath but a bit of Poe too...a mixture of both!!! Think Laura said it best...'what a swing'... fabulous write Becca. TWO THUMBS UP!!!